Monday, January 24, 2011

Where Your School Would Publicly Display Its BCS Trophy

About a week ago, the first pictures of Auburn fans appearing with the BCS trophy in Walmarts across the state of Alabama found their way to public light.  You may remember a similar story from last year when Alabama fans did the exact same thing at Walmarts across Alabama.  Both documented accounts were as glorious as you might imagine.  Walmart, which has a non-affiliated website dedicated to the customers who aren't afraid to show up in public wearing one flip-flop, short shorts, three days of body odor and an "I farted" t-shirt, and a large chunk of Alabama and Auburn fans, who also have looked shame in the eye and tried to whip it with an unwound coat hanger.  It's the perfect storm if the perfect storm included every hurricane, typhoon, cyclone, tornado and serious springtime thunderstorm in the South, ever.

Now, of course, every school in the SEC could showcase its trophy in a Walmart and have similarly awesome pictures as the ones from Auburn and Alabama.  After all, WE'RE ALL IN THE SOUTH and all the same (except for Florida, those guys are weird).  However, Alabama and Auburn, more than any others schools seem to have the market on Walmart well-covered.  So, if other schools in the SEC wanted to allow its fans to get their pictures taken with the BCS trophy and elected not to go the Walmart route, where would they set up shop?  I'm so glad I thought to ask.

Houston Nutt's living room
In addition to getting their slack-jawed stares recorded, they can wave the trophy in Nutt's face and scream something at him about text messages and news reporters, while filing additional freedom of information requests to examine the contents of his garbage.  And if that doesn't work out, they'll just use Walmart headquarters.  Suck on that, Alabama and Auburn!  YOU TOO, HOUSTON NUTT!!!!!!

Wherever sleeveless t-shirts and massive quantities of hair product are sold
Also, earrings.

In the various bars in downtown Athens (there are like 10,000 of them)
Because those are the only things Georgia fans seem to care about.  Mark Richt, after losing to Central Florida in a game in which his offense scored no touchdowns, was not forced to make any staff changes.  So there's your new standard at Georgia.  You can lose to Central Florida, as long as its not too bad of a loss, and everyone keeps their jobs.  Can't wait for the next blackout when they lose by three touchdowns.

The foyer of Rupp Arena and the foyers of other SEC basketball arenas
Those will be the only places you'll find Kentucky fans.

Wherever alcoholic beverages and dishes equaling the fat content of a typical meal at Beef O'Brady's (but surpassing in taste) are served
It's also possible James Carville could steal the trophy and keep it at his house.

The Mossy Oak outlet store in West Point, Mississippi
Rest assured, Bulldogs, it WILL NOT stray far from the Golden Triangle.

Wherever clothes not worn by poor people are sold
Brooks Brothers will have first right of refusal.

Steve Spurrier's house
If Spurrier gave himself the game ball, you can bet your ass that trophy is staying at his house.  But, for those of you near Augusta, he'll leave it at the guard house while he's out on the course.

Ruby Falls?  Rock City?  Where orange is sold?  Construction zones?  Deer stands?  Bill Dance's TV show?
I have no idea.  Ever since Phil Fulmer and Lane Kiffin went away, I have lost my hate of and, thus, my interest in Tennessee.

I was going to make some sort of asshole comment that, even in this make-believe scenario, Vanderbilt will never win a BCS title, but realized that this team beat the hell out of Ole Miss this year


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