Auburn vs. Oregon: Breakdown That Screams INTENSE

With the last of the 34 exhibition games swept aside, we have finally arrived at the only post-season game that actually matters in the only sport in the entire world in which a team can go undefeated and not win a championship.  And what better way to have both teams fully prepared to play in the most important game of the season than have them wait a month and a half from their final regular season games.  THE NFL KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT AWESOME POST-SEASONS.  HAVE SOME MORE BBVA COMPASS HUNGER LAS VEGAS HELICOPTER CREDIT UNION PIZZA BOWL.

As you know, I've been conducting an experiment of the exact opposite of the scientific variety during this exhibition season to determine whether or not it would be a good idea for me to wager mildly significant monies on college football games.  The answer:  What a horrible idea that would be, fool.  Currently, I sit at 11-15-1 and $80 Confederate in the hole (I should also note that in The Belly of the Beast College Bowl Pick'em League, I am 24th out of 25 competitors), so take what you're about to read with an entire salt mine, as clearly I have no idea what I'm talking about.

What follows is a highly sophisticated, data-rich analysis of what I consider to be the key points of tonight's game*. 

*No sophistication or data takes place in what follows.

SCHOOL LOCATION
I've never been to Eugene, but I hear it's a great place to be. When it's not 45 degrees and raining, which it is 265 days a year. Or so I assume. I have been to Auburn, and, while nothing spectacular, the sun does shine there the majority of the year. Although it loses points for resembling an oven during September (the 2001 Ole Miss game remains one of the hottest games I've ever attended), it makes those points right back up due to its proximity to the great Redneck Riviera (I do love that place; I believe it's been nearly three years since I've darkened the door of the Flora-Bama, which is 100% inexcusable).

Oregon can argue about the merits of being located close to the Pacific Ocean, but we all know the Pacific is not so much of a recreational body of water as it is a dark, swirling, icy cold discovery that not all oceans are 80 degrees and some in fact require articles of wear to prevent you from freezing death should you be dumb enough to enter.

GULF OF MEXICO!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

/fires pistol into the air
/shoots off eight grosses of bottle rockets in the middle of the afternoon

ADVANTAGE:


MOST INTERESTING WIKIPEDIA PAGE FACT ABOUT SCHOOL
Auburn:
Established in 1856 as East Alabama Male College.
Ron Franklin frowns on your directional moniker, but applauds your choice of keeping the weaker sex away.

Oregon:
"The residents of Eugene struggled to help finance the institution, holding numerous fundraising events such as strawberry festivals, church socials, and produce sales."
Minus the church socials, I think this is the first documented record of hippies selling products of the land in order to keep, you know, bro, hangin' out and playing an early form of hacky sack.

ADVANTAGE:

TOWEL WAVING
ADVANTAGE:


SUPERSONIC CAPABILITIES
Though Auburn's offense is run by a big ass deer that can throw fairly accurate missiles when unable to scamper away from you and is also surrounded by other smaller deer who are exceptionally quick, they have yet to do this:

And though I only saw five or six Oregon games, I seem to recall that happening two or three times a game.

ADVANTAGE:

BOOSTERS
As far as I'm aware, Phil Knight of Nike kabillions of dollars owns and operates the University of Oregon athletic department (he's a minority owner for the entire University; suck on that academics!). And while he gets Oregon all of the awesome Nike stuff that no one else even knows exists and builds athletic complexes with the spare change he finds in his couch made of softened Buffalo nickels, he's no match for this man:

Milton McGregor, BINGO PARLOR AND DOG TRACK BARON.

ADVANTAGE:


NONSENSICALNESS
It's well-documented, but this is how Oregon knows to run really fast and in what direction they should do so:

WATCH OUT FOR THE TOM PLAY, AUBURN.

While Auburn's nonsensicalness is generally related to its wins over Clemson, South Carolina (regular season version) and Alabama, as those never should have happened, but it goes to show what a briefcase full of bingo parlor and dog track money delivered to the bishop of the sports gods' church will get you.

ADVANTAGE:


PAYROLL
Auburn:


Oregon:


ADVANTAGE:


So there it is, as usual, money tends to tip the scale in the direction of those holding all of the money. Based on my calculations, Auburn wins this breakdown 4-3, which, oddly enough, will also be the final score of the game.