In order to show the people that The Belly of the Beast is just like them, I'm not above composing a list of resolutions for 2011. And, just like the people, there is a zero percent chance I will not crash this list directly into a cement piling before January 8th. But it's always fun to pretend like you're dedicated to getting your business in order, right? As long as people think you're trying, they won't give you a bag of shit. And on that high note, let's roll this thing out.
-Limit myself to one rambling, incoherent, rage-filled rant against Tyrone Nix in a 24-hour period (-2,000% chance of lasting until Wednesday)
-Wait until February before becoming held hostage by these 18-year old assholes known as college football recruits. There is nothing worse than making an 18-year old feel like he's very important or, gulp, in charge of anything. I remember being 18 and can only imagine what a raging jackass I would have been had I been blessed with legitimate athletic ability.
-I pledge my disdain and general spite for baseball will be taken to greater heights. However, I will still play fantasy baseball because I'm a loser and I LOVE FANTASY SPORTS.
-If odds are available, make a wager on whether Mark Richt or Houston Nutt will be fired first. Ahem, (insert hacking cough) houstonnutt.
-Watch Extraordinary Measures
As well as no fewer than five Nic Cage movies. The SEASON OF THE WITCH IS UPON US.
-Demand that Ron Franklin announce EVERYTHING
-Accuse more quarterbacks of loving the purple drank when they channel their inner Jamarcus Russell with a 9 of 23, 107 yards, 0 TD, 3 INT performance
-Hold a candlelight vigil for Stephen Garcia (and America) when Steve Spurrier announces Connor Shaw has won the starting quarterback job at South Carolina
-Fall asleep every night thinking about Mike Leach running the show in Oxford in mid-December
-Practice my chortle for Charlie Weis' "schematic advantage" being unleashed on college football again
-Say the phrase "THIS GUY" more than Jon Gruden (can probably only be accomplished by referring to myself, that guy, those guys, these, those, them and everyone as THIS GUY all the time)
-Change my Facebook status to read "So excited to spend early January at Legion Field!!!!"
-Write 25,000 word essay on new Pitt coach-in-waiting Dana Holgorsen's choice to model his hair after ESPN's Chris Berman:
However, just so we're clear, if Holgorsen was involved with Ole Miss in almost any capacity, I'd shave my hair to emulate whatever the hell he's got going on. But, Dana, lose the battle of hair loss with some dignity, please.
-Resolve that every time I call Dan Mullen a schmuck, which he is, remember to include a statement that he certainly knows how to whip Ole Miss' ass
-Seek explanation as to why Auburn, a school with money and enough power to gain the services of just about any coach it wanted, would hire a coach with a career record of 5-19 ("Yes sir, Mr. Lowder, I think that is a great idea!")
-Embrace the existence of Les Miles. Though it makes no sense, and often results in bitter rage spewing forth from my body, it remains fascinating and I can't imagine life without it.
/can't wait for the bill for all of the good fortune to come due
/PAIN AND SUFFERING SURELY TO ENSUE FOR SIX YEARS OF RAMPANT BULLSHIT
/remembers it's LSU and it will never end
-Do less fist shaking at the sky
-Cry tears of joy when Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone is eventually fired over a tweet on Twitter
-Stockpile canned goods for the head coach search that will take place in Oxford in December