Wednesday, January 26, 2011

There's Nothing Else Going On, So We're Doing This

We're not even out of January (note to self:  sleep through February) and the standard dog and pony show around here is about to add a couple dozen more dogs and ponies.  I could attempt to address the state of basketball in the SEC, but I could also punch holes in windows with my face.  Instead of draining the existence out of anyone who would happen to read that, let's try something else.

And by something else, I do mean a conference alignment of movies that are so incredibly bad that they're 10,000% AWESOMELY FANTASTIC.  Even though the following are terrible, I could not love them more.  And when I see them on TV, no matter how far along the movie is, I'm in for the rest of the movie (there is one that I truly hate with a passion, but cannot look away when it's on TV).  Doesn't matter if Road House just started and I have stuff I need to do, I'm watching the entirety of Patrick Swayze's efforts to destroy Brad Wesley's world and turn the Double Deuce into a respectable establishment.

As you might expect, the Western Division is packed with powerhouses to accommodate the three teams that have won four national championships since 2003 (Why, dammit, WHY is Ole Miss in this division?).


Once you get over Travolta's head being the size of a watermelon and Cage's merely the size of a grapefruit, you can fully embrace the science behind face-transplant surgery. Well, there's also the whole body type thing. Plus, any sort of birthmarks or scars. And probably the height difference. But other than that, face-transplants can totally fool your wife, family, close friends and co-workers.

I especially enjoy the scene where Travolta, who now looks like Cage, is slipped into the secret oil rig-looking prison in the middle of the ocean where prisoners wear magnetic boots. And, of course, he escapes. Oh, what's that? You've never seen the movie? Yes, I did say secret oil rig-looking prison in the middle of the ocean where prisoners wear magnetic boots.

The Patriot
I could not possibly hate this movie more than I do. Yet, I cannot stop myself from watching. It's like the Seinfeld episode where Jerry's masseuse girlfriend hates George so much that she becomes irresistible to him. I can't stop watching. However, my favorite part of this movie comes at the 10 to 11-second mark:

Let that be a lesson to all you kids. Don't upset British men riding horses who also happen to have 18th century pistols.

Days of Thunder
Am I teetering on the edge of blasphemy here? Of course not. This movie is awful. But give me surround sound, a volume level of 57 and some country cheap ass beer and we're good to go. Though, I've never bought into the idea that NASCAR fans would like Cole Trickle since he was Jeff Gordon before Jeff Gordon.

Over the Top
Look at what Stallone is wearing. LOOK AT IT! I still can't believe someone, somewhere gave the green light to a movie about a widowed dad, who is a truck driver and semi-professional arm wrestler, and who also figured out a revolutionary way to win arm wrestling matches, not including flipping the switch in which he turns his hat around.

For years I've wanted to get that pulley system Stallone had in the cab of his truck that he would use to strengthen his arm while driving the big rig. Alas, I have failed probably because it's the type of equipment one cannot buy, but a trucker like Stallone can create from a blueprint only found in his mind.

Gone in 60 Seconds
"Hey, look, they're about to start stealing the cars. Sure, I've got the next two hours free."

Top Gun
One of the greatest of our time. It may be a bad movie, but I will physically end your life if you don't like it.  How can you not love this:

No, really, this actually happens. And this:


And never forget:

/spends rest of day humming Top Gun theme music


I was so pleased when FX decided that Armageddon should be added to its roster of movies that includes Man on Fire, a Martin Lawrence movie, all of the X-Men movies and a Jet Li movie. Because there's no better way to watch Billy Bob Thornton direct a rag-tag group of off-shore oil rig workers in the trivial tasks of space travel and landing on asteroids than to watch six minutes of movie followed by eight minutes of commercials. TNT, stop showing the same movie for six consecutive nights and save us from FX.

Independence Day
You want to know how dumb teenagers are? When I saw this movie in the theater I LOVED IT. As in, wow, this is a great movie. I finally saw it a few years later and realized that, one, I am a fool, and, two, the question of whether or not we are alone in the universe has been answered in the most unintentionally comedic way possible. I can always entertain myself by shouting parts of the President-turned-fighter-jet pilot's speech right before the closing battle.


I have no proof, but I think we can all safely assume that this was the beginning of Will Smith's interest in scientology, a cult formed by people who write things like Independence Day.

Seagal Movie (All of Them)
Doesn't matter which one, I'm in.

Con Air
The Alabama, LSU and 2010 Auburn of the division rolled into one. There aren't enough hours in the day to fully discuss this masterpiece, so I'll get right to the point:

My apologies to the stealing the motorcycle scene, the "I'm gonna show you God does exist" scene, and the getting off an industrial fishing boat onto the docks in Mobile Bay to surprise the pregnant wife who works in a bar about 20 feet from the docks and eventually killing a drunk in the rain with bare hands scene.

Point Break
When I lived in another far away land, I was on one of those bar trivia teams and every other month the team was in charge of hosting the trivia night. This involved collecting the prize money for the winners and coming up with all the questions. No matter what my category (sports, movies, etc.), I always found a way to work in a question about Point Break. Shockingly, no knew that Johnny Utah quarterbacked Ohio State in the Rose Bowl against USC.

"Vaya con Dios."

Road House
I've written about this before, but how did the FBI never get called in to investigate Brad Wesley's vice-like grip on the town. The man destroyed a car dealership in broad daylight, blew up an old man's auto parts store (though it could have been Walmart) and made sure the town's only decent bar was the constant scene of brawls and stabbings. And that's not even counting all the other stuff he did that we never saw. City Council meetings? Ruined. Parades? Canceled. Town Heritage Day? A celebrate Brad Wesley's wealth and power day. The man operated like a 19th century railroad tycoon in the western United States.

/dreams of being a baron of some sort, preferably of the bingo parlor and dog track variety

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