Thursday, January 13, 2011

What Say You, Les Miles?

Fresh off agreeing to a seven-year contract extension and not pursuing the job at Michigan (it's his alma mater, you know, maybe you heard about it), Les Miles met with members of the media to discuss his decision to stay at LSU until at least 2017, he's fired or disappears when a chariot of fire from the sky takes him away, whichever comes first (I can neither confirm nor deny I've got a c-note on the chariot of fire).

From his opening statement...
"Certainly, it was important that I visited with my alma mater.  I certainly wish Michigan the best.  I will forever be and want to be, a supporter of that institution that invested so greatly in myself.  But, I am an LSU Tiger and I look forward to being an LSU Tiger for quite some time."
As a fan of a school not named LSU, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that I am delighted at his decision to stay while mildly terrified at the looming soul-piercing way I am sure my team will lose to LSU in one of the next few seasons.  In all seriousness, if Ole Miss loses to them in a similar fashion as Tennessee did, you will not hear from me for at least four days.  I won't be writing on here, answering phone calls or texts, nor will I answer emails because my computer will have been destroyed in the typhoon of rage immediately following that loss.

On if he thought he might leave for Michigan...
"I think any time that you vision a decision there is a potential for another outcome.  You look at it and judge it effectively.  I could not have met with Michigan without the potential of a different outcome."
"...I enjoy this community.  I have distant friends or acquaintances that I enjoy representing.  The reason I put it that way is because my car goes most comfortably from the office and back, but in between there are some wonderful people in this community and this state that I enjoy very much."
My brain temporarily lost functioning power after trying to decipher the first sentence in the first paragraph.  And the sentence after that.  And the one after that.  But when I got to the line about the car, I realized that Les Miles' car has an autopilot feature or has the car from Knight Rider, and, in between driving from the office and wherever back is, he comes across some nice people.  So, if you're curious, Baton Rouge is flooded with people standing along the side of the road that Les enjoys.

While talking about the factors in his decision process...
"There are other opportunities that never made the paper.  There are other jobs that were run by me that I declined."
Those jobs?  Unicorn wrangler, barker for the Yak Woman at the state fair, Santa's elf at the mall and trainer of seals.

On the new contract...
"For me, the tenure has always been more important to me than the actual annual salary."
"Because I do NOT want to wrangle unicorns. That is some hard work!"

On Michigan...
"Michigan will rise again.  They will have great success.  That is a wonderful place to go to school, and the people there are committed to helping their athletes.  Frankly, the credential of the Michigan education will hold you in great stead, and I'm living proof of that..."
"It's also where I met my buddy, Lucifer!"

On LSU being his last coaching job...
"I'm one of those guys who believes that where you are at is where you live your life."
"Six years ago when I got here, my eyes are wide, and I didn't understand what I was about to run into.  I was told, but it's kind of like the first time you ride in a plane.  They tell you this is how it's going to feel like, and your eyes get big and however old I was, it was the first experience.  I want you to know that I went through a couple of plane rides here and taking the field at Tiger Stadium, the people that are so passionate, that was a word that was descriptive to me of what I was going to feel."
"The women drinking as much liquor as the men, then throwing the liquor bottles with such pace and velocity.  That was a moment of interesting emotion and interest I was unaware that was within myself in my car that drives itself to the office and across the great state of Louisiana with people out there offering us their great passion.  Also, I don't think they were ready for someone who eats the grass of the field.  So we'll call it even."


  1. I have had it! I have had enough of this degradation and contumacy You can make fun of our head coach and the way he speaks. You can make fun of all of us drinking too much, not working very hard, drooling more than is socially acceptable. But I will not just sit idly by while you make this claim:

    "The women drinking as much liquor as the men, then throwing the liquor bottles with such pace and velocity..."

    I want to see your proof that the women throw their empty bottles of bourbon as hard as the men of Louisiana do. If you don't provide your proof you can expect a strongly worded letter from James D. "Buddy" Caldwell...our Attorney General.

  2. I should amend that to read "women living below I-10..."

  3. Amendment accepted, approved, acknowledged and appreciated. Stand down Buddy...Stand down.