Thursday, January 27, 2011

Lots of Dollar Bills, But Where Do They Go?

Thanks to the people at Forbes Magazine (via ESPN), who took the time to do research I would never do, we've been allowed to peer into the 2009-2010 (June to July) books of SEC football programs (not learnin' books or, in Auburn's case, coloring books, but financial ledgers).  As expected in the revenue department, the bigger schools lead the way, with Alabama in front claiming just shy of $72 million, and the smaller schools piled up at the bottom, led by Vanderbilt's $14 million.

But what I'm interested in is the money spent.  Like how is it possible Ole Miss spent $12 million on football?  After coaches' salaries, I would have said we spent not a penny over $31.59.  These numbers suggest that instead of busing five hours to Auburn in 2009, we, GASP, flew.  Just kidding, we would never do that.  I think it means players were allowed to order off the menu at Golden Corral instead of being told to get in the buffet line, which, if you've never been to a Golden Corral, is a terrible mistake.  Always get the buffet.  It's much easier to throw up when you're done.

Starting with the big spenders, let's examine where all these dollar bills are going.

-Feasibility study of constructing a Walmart INSIDE of Bryant-Denny Stadium
-Initial construction of a Walmart inside Bryant-Denny Stadium
-Cancellation fee to construction firm to cease construction of Walmart inside Bryant-Denny Stadium
-Payment to sculptor to use unused Walmart construction supplies to create a statue of commemorating Bear Bryant's favorite pastime:  Throwing whiskey bottles at student managers to increase their character
-Purchase of all of the art from the J. Paul Getty Museum to display in Nick Saban's office (he's had his eye on it since last year's trip to California)
-11 metric tons of Little Debbie cakes


(To easy, yes? Fine. I'll do a few more.)

-Four dozen leather jackets
-Two crates of Bright Crawlers and Gummy Worms (Ted Roof)
-Deposits to 2010-11's recruiting fund
-Towel-waving classes

-Raise for Gary Crowton. No, seriously, it happened. Just over halfway down the page.
-Family of squirrels to live under Les Miles' hat (the previous family had grown too large and were released in a Baton Rouge park)
-Anti-offense pamphlets
-Family Matters seasons one through four (Miles felt the show went to crap when Stefan Urquelle showed up in season five)

-Removal of all of these:

-Machines that make you run faster than everyone else
-Machines that run faster than everyone else
-Christmas cards for the Herbstreits, Lundquists and Danielsons

South Carolina
-Planned kidnapping of Garcia (after failure, were refunded, minus the deposit)
-Bottle of stress for Garcia (another failure)
-Bottle of anger for Garcia (again, failure)
-Serenity Now CDs for Spurrier
-60-degree wedge

-Friend for Bobby Petrino
-Crazy pills
-Scooter for Ryan Mallett
-Constant state of being thoroughly pleased with oneself (this was an expensive one!)

-Gold stars
-"Nice job" stickers
-Dum Dum suckers
-Glue sticks
-Poster board
-Construction paper
-Crafts teacher salary
-Report cards

-Derek Dooley
-Removal of this:

-Study to determine if they should make the seats even smaller in order to squeeze in another 42 fans for some attendance record only Tennessee cares about

-New nets for student rec center
-Used mesh jerseys to distinguish Straight Outta Goodlettsville from Richard Marxism in the intramural flag football championship

-Joker Phillips identification card
-"Hey, America, my name is Joker Phillips" campaign
-Can't forget these:

Ole Miss
-Like, enough that we couldn't immediately kick him to the curb when he trotted out whatever the hell that was he trotted out this year
-Callahan Charters' stock (we'd be lost without our bus rides to LSU and Auburn; hell, probably Arkansas too)
-Anything sold by any other Good Ol' Boy enterprise in the state of Mississippi
-Mascot bullshit
-Additional mascot bullshit

Mississippi State
-Manny Diaz
-Another Sylvester Croom vacation (valid through 2014)
-Billboards concerning the only important game of the season

*Less than $10 million? What are you, poor?

1 comment:

  1. Sam L5:43 PM

    Mississippi truly does love to divide, try to conquer, fail, and then complain. We have done it with higher education, lower education, race, medical facilities, etc. etc.