For those of you paying attention around here for the past week or so, you know that I've embarked on a quest to find out just how much money I would lose if I spent real dollars wagering on bowl games. After Stanford's mincing of Virginia Tech Monday night, I currently stand at -$20 and one game below .500 against the spread. In order to make a push into lots more dollar bills before the bowls wrap up, I've had to bring in two of the worst to help break down the Ohio State/Arkansas game.
Fresh off the Orange Bowl telecast and fresh off the early shift at his local McDonald's where he picks up and cleans trays, it's Jon Gruden and Dave Rowe.
"Whew, a little tired this morning. Those stories about Tirico changing his ways. I don't know about that. THAT GUY still has it."
"HEY HEY. Uh, yeah, hello. Am I on? Can you hear me? Hello? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh. Hello? Anyone? Yes? No? RANCH TURKEY DRESSING."
"Dave, you're coming in loud and clear. Loud and clear. Whaddya say we talk some FOOTBALL here? I'm ready. And I know THIS GUY, Dave Rowe, is ready to talk some football. THIS GUY."
"Haha, gotcha Jon. Right there with you. Can't be more excited about this game. You've got two teams. They're playing a game. And, and, one of them is going to win. But they both want to win the game! Haha!"
"You're exactly right, Dave. Two great football teams. Two great coaches. Two great quarterbacks. Two great groups of fans. I can't wait for this one."
"Haha, you know it, partner. Both teams really want to win this one. Ryan Mallett. Terrelle Pryor. Great players. Great quarterbacks. Lots of talent in this one!"
"Glad you brought them up, Dave. You wanna talk about talented. You wanna talk about big arms. Ryan Mallett. Terrelle Pryor. THOSE GUYS can play some football."
"And let's not forget about the coaches. Bobby Petrino, great offensive mind. Louisville. Arkansas. His teams can score lots of points in a hurry. If you're Ohio State, you don't want them to score all those points. Because if you do, you may not win the game. And you're here to win the game."
"Outstanding coaches. But I wanna talk about Jim Tressel. THIS GUY is a football coach. He can coach some football. 11 wins. Another Big Ten title. THIS GUY is a winner. I'm really excited to see what he's gonna do against Arkansas."
"Jon, you're all over that one. Jim Tressel knows how to win football games. He wants to win them and then goes out and does it. I know he'll be ready to win this one, the Sugar Bowl."
"Is it game time yet? Because THIS GUY is ready to go. I can't wait. Great teams, coaches, fans and atmosphere. Should be a great night for us, Dave."
"Partner, I'm ready for it now. Another great night for football."
Wait, what? They're done? That was it? So, you're saying I could have asked any of these...
...and gotten as much information?
"I like THIS GUY, this San Diego Chicken. He's a funny guy. Remember him in the '80s. Great family entertainment."
"Haha, right again, partner! I remember him well. The kids loved him."
Damn both of you.