The older gentleman seen above running around like an idiot after Ed Orgeron somehow managed to hammer the last nail into his own coffin while INSIDE the coffin, is the great NFL-career assistant and former Mississippi State head coach Sylvester Croom. Last seen headed back to the NFL to resume coaching running backs, Croom has incredibly emerged as a candidate for an opening on Nick Saban's staff at Alabama. Saban has refused to comment, citing his focus on recruiting and having his memory chip erase all memories of Croom's time at Mississippi State.
Because anytime you can hire a coach who has a career record of 21-38 (10-30 in SEC) and spent 227 years anonymously coaching running backs in the NFC North, you have to do it. However, odds are that if Croom is hired (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE), he will be given the least amount of responsibility possible. Perhaps something along the lines of calling roll or putting one of Alabama's golf carts to use, but the point is, by just being there, he will start the crack in the Nick Saban-will-destroy-all-of-us foundation. You don't bring on coaches of Croom's caliber and get away with the giant crater of suck he will create.
Of course, there's also the possibility someone just floated his name out there to see the public reaction and he has no chance of being hired. If that is the case, then I say you go straight to hell, name-floater person. How dare you extract my girlish giggle/scream/shriek with fake news.
Thanks to the people at Forbes Magazine (via ESPN), who took the time to do research I would never do, we've been allowed to peer into the 2009-2010 (June to July) books of SEC football programs (not learnin' books or, in Auburn's case, coloring books, but financial ledgers). As expected in the revenue department, the bigger schools lead the way, with Alabama in front claiming just shy of $72 million, and the smaller schools piled up at the bottom, led by Vanderbilt's $14 million.
But what I'm interested in is the money spent. Like how is it possible Ole Miss spent $12 million on football? After coaches' salaries, I would have said we spent not a penny over $31.59. These numbers suggest that instead of busing five hours to Auburn in 2009, we, GASP, flew. Just kidding, we would never do that. I think it means players were allowed to order off the menu at Golden Corral instead of being told to get in the buffet line, which, if you've never been to a Golden Corral, is a terrible mistake. Always get the buffet. It's much easier to throw up when you're done.
Starting with the big spenders, let's examine where all these dollar bills are going.
Alabama $31,115,134
-Feasibility study of constructing a Walmart INSIDE of Bryant-Denny Stadium
-Initial construction of a Walmart inside Bryant-Denny Stadium
-Cancellation fee to construction firm to cease construction of Walmart inside Bryant-Denny Stadium
-Payment to sculptor to use unused Walmart construction supplies to create a statue of commemorating Bear Bryant's favorite pastime: Throwing whiskey bottles at student managers to increase their character
-Purchase of all of the art from the J. Paul Getty Museum to display in Nick Saban's office (he's had his eye on it since last year's trip to California)
-11 metric tons of Little Debbie cakes
Auburn $27,911,713
(To easy, yes? Fine. I'll do a few more.)
-Four dozen leather jackets
-Two crates of Bright Crawlers and Gummy Worms (Ted Roof)
-Deposits to 2010-11's recruiting fund
-Towel-waving classes
LSU $25,566,520
-Raise for Gary Crowton. No, seriously, it happened. Just over halfway down the page.
-Family of squirrels to live under Les Miles' hat (the previous family had grown too large and were released in a Baton Rouge park)
-Anti-offense pamphlets
-Family Matters seasons one through four (Miles felt the show went to crap when Stefan Urquelle showed up in season five)
Florida $24,457,557
-Removal of all of these:
(FAILED.)
-Machines that make you run faster than everyone else
-Machines that run faster than everyone else
-Christmas cards for the Herbstreits, Lundquists and Danielsons
South Carolina $22,794,211
-Planned kidnapping of Garcia (after failure, were refunded, minus the deposit)
-Bottle of stress for Garcia (another failure)
-Bottle of anger for Garcia (again, failure)
-Serenity Now CDs for Spurrier
-60-degree wedge
Arkansas $22,005,104
-Friend for Bobby Petrino
-Crazy pills
-Scooter for Ryan Mallett
-Constant state of being thoroughly pleased with oneself (this was an expensive one!)
Tennessee $17,357,345
-Derek Dooley
-Removal of this:
-Study to determine if they should make the seats even smaller in order to squeeze in another 42 fans for some attendance record only Tennessee cares about
Vanderbilt $14,152,061
-Turkeys
-New nets for student rec center
-Used mesh jerseys to distinguish Straight Outta Goodlettsville from Richard Marxism in the intramural flag football championship
Kentucky $13,905,724
-Joker Phillips identification card
-"Hey, America, my name is Joker Phillips" campaign
-Can't forget these:
Ole Miss $11,920,510
-MORE MONEY FOR TYRONE NIX
-Like, enough that we couldn't immediately kick him to the curb when he trotted out whatever the hell that was he trotted out this year
-Callahan Charters' stock (we'd be lost without our bus rides to LSU and Auburn; hell, probably Arkansas too)
-Anything sold by any other Good Ol' Boy enterprise in the state of Mississippi
-Mascot bullshit
-Additional mascot bullshit
Mississippi State $9,951,097*
-Manny Diaz
-Another Sylvester Croom vacation (valid through 2014)
-Billboards concerning the only important game of the season
We're not even out of January (note to self: sleep through February) and the standard dog and pony show around here is about to add a couple dozen more dogs and ponies. I could attempt to address the state of basketball in the SEC, but I could also punch holes in windows with my face. Instead of draining the existence out of anyone who would happen to read that, let's try something else.
And by something else, I do mean a conference alignment of movies that are so incredibly bad that they're 10,000% AWESOMELY FANTASTIC. Even though the following are terrible, I could not love them more. And when I see them on TV, no matter how far along the movie is, I'm in for the rest of the movie (there is one that I truly hate with a passion, but cannot look away when it's on TV). Doesn't matter if Road House just started and I have stuff I need to do, I'm watching the entirety of Patrick Swayze's efforts to destroy Brad Wesley's world and turn the Double Deuce into a respectable establishment.
As you might expect, the Western Division is packed with powerhouses to accommodate the three teams that have won four national championships since 2003 (Why, dammit, WHY is Ole Miss in this division?).
EAST Face/Off
Once you get over Travolta's head being the size of a watermelon and Cage's merely the size of a grapefruit, you can fully embrace the science behind face-transplant surgery. Well, there's also the whole body type thing. Plus, any sort of birthmarks or scars. And probably the height difference. But other than that, face-transplants can totally fool your wife, family, close friends and co-workers.
I especially enjoy the scene where Travolta, who now looks like Cage, is slipped into the secret oil rig-looking prison in the middle of the ocean where prisoners wear magnetic boots. And, of course, he escapes. Oh, what's that? You've never seen the movie? Yes, I did say secret oil rig-looking prison in the middle of the ocean where prisoners wear magnetic boots.
The Patriot
I could not possibly hate this movie more than I do. Yet, I cannot stop myself from watching. It's like the Seinfeld episode where Jerry's masseuse girlfriend hates George so much that she becomes irresistible to him. I can't stop watching. However, my favorite part of this movie comes at the 10 to 11-second mark:
Let that be a lesson to all you kids. Don't upset British men riding horses who also happen to have 18th century pistols.
Days of Thunder
Am I teetering on the edge of blasphemy here? Of course not. This movie is awful. But give me surround sound, a volume level of 57 and some country cheap ass beer and we're good to go. Though, I've never bought into the idea that NASCAR fans would like Cole Trickle since he was Jeff Gordon before Jeff Gordon.
Over the Top
Look at what Stallone is wearing. LOOK AT IT! I still can't believe someone, somewhere gave the green light to a movie about a widowed dad, who is a truck driver and semi-professional arm wrestler, and who also figured out a revolutionary way to win arm wrestling matches, not including flipping the switch in which he turns his hat around.
For years I've wanted to get that pulley system Stallone had in the cab of his truck that he would use to strengthen his arm while driving the big rig. Alas, I have failed probably because it's the type of equipment one cannot buy, but a trucker like Stallone can create from a blueprint only found in his mind.
Gone in 60 Seconds
"Hey, look, they're about to start stealing the cars. Sure, I've got the next two hours free."
Top Gun
One of the greatest of our time. It may be a bad movie, but I will physically end your life if you don't like it. How can you not love this:
No, really, this actually happens. And this:
AND THIS:
And never forget:
/spends rest of day humming Top Gun theme music
WEST Armageddon
I was so pleased when FX decided that Armageddon should be added to its roster of movies that includes Man on Fire, a Martin Lawrence movie, all of the X-Men movies and a Jet Li movie. Because there's no better way to watch Billy Bob Thornton direct a rag-tag group of off-shore oil rig workers in the trivial tasks of space travel and landing on asteroids than to watch six minutes of movie followed by eight minutes of commercials. TNT, stop showing the same movie for six consecutive nights and save us from FX.
Independence Day
You want to know how dumb teenagers are? When I saw this movie in the theater I LOVED IT. As in, wow, this is a great movie. I finally saw it a few years later and realized that, one, I am a fool, and, two, the question of whether or not we are alone in the universe has been answered in the most unintentionally comedic way possible. I can always entertain myself by shouting parts of the President-turned-fighter-jet pilot's speech right before the closing battle.
"WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT. TODAY IS OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!"
I have no proof, but I think we can all safely assume that this was the beginning of Will Smith's interest in scientology, a cult formed by people who write things like Independence Day.
Seagal Movie (All of Them)
Doesn't matter which one, I'm in.
Con Air
The Alabama, LSU and 2010 Auburn of the division rolled into one. There aren't enough hours in the day to fully discuss this masterpiece, so I'll get right to the point:
My apologies to the stealing the motorcycle scene, the "I'm gonna show you God does exist" scene, and the getting off an industrial fishing boat onto the docks in Mobile Bay to surprise the pregnant wife who works in a bar about 20 feet from the docks and eventually killing a drunk in the rain with bare hands scene.
Point Break
When I lived in another far away land, I was on one of those bar trivia teams and every other month the team was in charge of hosting the trivia night. This involved collecting the prize money for the winners and coming up with all the questions. No matter what my category (sports, movies, etc.), I always found a way to work in a question about Point Break. Shockingly, no knew that Johnny Utah quarterbacked Ohio State in the Rose Bowl against USC.
"Vaya con Dios."
Road House
I've written about this before, but how did the FBI never get called in to investigate Brad Wesley's vice-like grip on the town. The man destroyed a car dealership in broad daylight, blew up an old man's auto parts store (though it could have been Walmart) and made sure the town's only decent bar was the constant scene of brawls and stabbings. And that's not even counting all the other stuff he did that we never saw. City Council meetings? Ruined. Parades? Canceled. Town Heritage Day? A celebrate Brad Wesley's wealth and power day. The man operated like a 19th century railroad tycoon in the western United States.
/dreams of being a baron of some sort, preferably of the bingo parlor and dog track variety
About a week ago, the first pictures of Auburn fans appearing with the BCS trophy in Walmarts across the state of Alabama found their way to public light. You may remember a similar story from last year when Alabama fans did the exact same thing at Walmarts across Alabama. Both documented accounts were as glorious as you might imagine. Walmart, which has a non-affiliated website dedicated to the customers who aren't afraid to show up in public wearing one flip-flop, short shorts, three days of body odor and an "I farted" t-shirt, and a large chunk of Alabama and Auburn fans, who also have looked shame in the eye and tried to whip it with an unwound coat hanger. It's the perfect storm if the perfect storm included every hurricane, typhoon, cyclone, tornado and serious springtime thunderstorm in the South, ever.
Now, of course, every school in the SEC could showcase its trophy in a Walmart and have similarly awesome pictures as the ones from Auburn and Alabama. After all, WE'RE ALL IN THE SOUTH and all the same (except for Florida, those guys are weird). However, Alabama and Auburn, more than any others schools seem to have the market on Walmart well-covered. So, if other schools in the SEC wanted to allow its fans to get their pictures taken with the BCS trophy and elected not to go the Walmart route, where would they set up shop? I'm so glad I thought to ask.
ARKANSAS Houston Nutt's living room
In addition to getting their slack-jawed stares recorded, they can wave the trophy in Nutt's face and scream something at him about text messages and news reporters, while filing additional freedom of information requests to examine the contents of his garbage. And if that doesn't work out, they'll just use Walmart headquarters. Suck on that, Alabama and Auburn! YOU TOO, HOUSTON NUTT!!!!!!
FLORIDA Wherever sleeveless t-shirts and massive quantities of hair product are sold
Also, earrings.
GEORGIA In the various bars in downtown Athens (there are like 10,000 of them)
Because those are the only things Georgia fans seem to care about. Mark Richt, after losing to Central Florida in a game in which his offense scored no touchdowns, was not forced to make any staff changes. So there's your new standard at Georgia. You can lose to Central Florida, as long as its not too bad of a loss, and everyone keeps their jobs. Can't wait for the next blackout when they lose by three touchdowns.
KENTUCKY The foyer of Rupp Arena and the foyers of other SEC basketball arenas
Those will be the only places you'll find Kentucky fans.
LSU Wherever alcoholic beverages and dishes equaling the fat content of a typical meal at Beef O'Brady's (but surpassing in taste) are served
It's also possible James Carville could steal the trophy and keep it at his house.
MISSISSIPPI STATE The Mossy Oak outlet store in West Point, Mississippi
Rest assured, Bulldogs, it WILL NOT stray far from the Golden Triangle.
OLE MISS Wherever clothes not worn by poor people are sold
Brooks Brothers will have first right of refusal.
SOUTH CAROLINA Steve Spurrier's house
If Spurrier gave himself the game ball, you can bet your ass that trophy is staying at his house. But, for those of you near Augusta, he'll leave it at the guard house while he's out on the course.
TENNESSEE Ruby Falls? Rock City? Where orange is sold? Construction zones? Deer stands? Bill Dance's TV show?
I have no idea. Ever since Phil Fulmer and Lane Kiffin went away, I have lost my hate of and, thus, my interest in Tennessee.
VANDERBILT I was going to make some sort of asshole comment that, even in this make-believe scenario, Vanderbilt will never win a BCS title, but realized that this team beat the hell out of Ole Miss this year
Thursday brought the rest of the Southeastern Conference some highly enjoyable news when LSU announced that it was indeed hiring the razer of Louisville, Steve Kragthorpe, as its new offensive coordinator. Kragthorpe made a name for himself when he took over at Louisville for Bobby Petrino and promptly burned it all to the ground, then salted the charred earth on which it once stood.
Luckily for LSU, Kragthorpe shares many of the same offensive philosophies as recently departed offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, so the transition should be a relatively smooth one. And let's not overlook that Kragthorpe will not need to waste two years destroying the machine Crowton built because a machine is not a machine if it's composed of a basket of sticks, some chicken wire and a note requesting the return of the chickens that escaped.
Crowton believed in a rushing attack that, with enough attempts, might just smash through that cement barrier:
Kragthorpe:
Crowton's passing concepts could be slightly confusing, but once you applied it to the right field, you knew you just needed to throw it deep every four plays:
Kragthorpe:
Overall, Crowton was looking for, well, no one really knows. Let's just see what Google images turns up when I search for "how are they ever going to win a game?"
(I swear I didn't look for that intentionally. It was the second image on the search.)
Kragthorpe:
Interestingly enough, both men share the same passion for two elements of football, which require zero installation for the new offense:
As of 24 hours ago, I wasn't aware that someone named Mark DuVall existed, just as he has no idea that I, or any of you, do. Then, he decided it was time for a no-name legislator in the Mississippi House of Representatives to thrust himself onto my ever-growing list of people that need to burn in a fire. DuVall, representing the great 19th district (I have no idea where that is and neither do the people within the 19th district because they are most likely unaware they are, in fact, in the 19th district. Does anyone, other than zealous social studies and government teachers, know the state district in which they live? Absolutely not.), has introduced a bill to the Mississippi House of Representatives that reads as follows:
AN ACT TO AMEND SECTION 37-115-1, MISSISSIPPI CODE OF 1972,
1 TO PROVIDE THAT THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSISSIPPI SHALL BEAR THE
2 NICKNAME "OLE MISS REBELS"; TO PROVIDE THAT THE UNIVERSITY'S
3 MASCOT SHALL BE "COLONEL REBEL"; TO REQUIRE THAT THE UNIVERSITY'S
4 BAND SHALL PLAY "DIXIE" AND "FROM DIXIE WITH LOVE" AT HOME AND
5 AWAY FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL GAMES AT WHICH THE BAND, OR SOME
6 PORTION OF THE BAND, IS PRESENT; AND FOR RELATED PURPOSES.
Yes, this is a real, actual bill that currently sits in the House in a state that has more problems that can be fixed in 100,000 legislative sessions. DuVall took time out of his days to ignore, you know, the important stuff that is within the borders of the gaping shithole that is the 19th district (parts of Lee, Itawamba and Tishomingo counties; yes, I looked it up and yes, I've been there, so I know it sucks, just like every place that everyone is from) and presented a bill that, at the very most, something less than the quarter of the state gives a damn about. Oddly enough, DuVall is a graduate of the people's university, Mississippi State, which opens the door for all sorts of awesome conspiracy theories for the message board crowd ("HE'S BEING BANKROLLED BY DAN MULLEN, WHO HAS A PLAN YOU WOULD NOT AND COULD NOT BELIEVE THAT IS AIMED AT THE DESTRUCTION OF OLE MISS!!1!1!!!").
Politicians, for the most part, outrage and disgust me more than just about anything else in this world. And, yes, that includes Tyrone Nix still being employed by the University of Mississippi as its defensive coordinator. Our politicians have one goal and one goal only: To get reelected. Everything they do between elections is to ensure they get to have the same position for another few years. They kiss all the right babies, pretend to be upset over the right things and say whatever it is their constituents want to hear. That's just how it works.
Unless these people make things worse or do something truly horrible, like, well, murder someone, we'll let them hang around (though, thanks to Ted Kennedy, that's debatable). It's part of an understood agreement we have with politicians. We'll ignore the fact that their job isn't really a job, very few could get a real job if they had to, they waste millions of dollars on personal bullcrap and that they have immunity from just about every major crime, as long as they don't waste our time with dumb shit like a bill that demands Ole Miss be called the "Rebels" and that the band plays two songs. We're not opposed to swallowing oceans of their steaming piles of elephant crap, but when total stupidity and time-wasting come into the picture, that's a violation of our agreement.
When violations of said agreement come into play, it usually means a new representative from the 19th district will soon be on his way to Jackson. And that is my great wish for 2011. To never read about or see Mark DuVall's name mentioned again, unless it is in the context of "Mark DuVall was CRUSHED by his challenger in the 19th district and lost his seat in the Mississippi House of Representatives." Or the whole burn in a fire thing I mentioned earlier. Either one works for me. So, I urge you, good people who stupidly elected this guy, write him letters (even if it is SO 1992), emails and call his home, work, office or whatever. Let him know that he broke the agreement and we, as an abused general public, won't stand for such an egregious violation of our standards. And be sure to tell him that come next election time, you'll be voting for the other guy, even if that guy is wanted for stealing money from orphanages, stomping puppies to death and has ENCOURAGED BEER SALES ON SUNDAY.
I hate recruiting. Hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it. Every single thing about it. The act of 17 and 18-year old drama queens holding thousands of adults hostage, the obsession over how many stars a recruit has, perfectly sane people turning into irrational dipshits across all forms of media and the mess that is National Signing Day. It's all a horrible monster that dumbasses like you and me have created and, as much as it needs to be taken out back and shot, it doesn't seem like that's possible.
Every year I say I'm not going to get sucked in and put up with the crapfest surrounding recruiting, yet around this time every year I find myself obsessing over the whims of moronic high school seniors. However, this year, mostly thanks to a disastrous 4-8 season, I finally made a commitment (RECRUITING BUZZ WORD ALERT) to avoid it as best I could. For the most part, I have succeeded, as I do know the five or six big names Ole Miss is after right now, but after that, you could tell me Donny Sabertooth is locked in on the Rebels and I would believe you, but not before asking if he knew how to coach defense because we also really need that too.
What's so awful about the recruiting process is that successful recruiting is completely necessary to keep a program from going 4-8 and giving up a quarter of a million points. You screw up a couple of recruiting classes and the next thing you know you're three Kentucky turnovers away from going 0-8 in the SEC for the second time in four years. That kind of pressure makes it an absolute must to kiss ass, give a high school senior an even more inflated opinion of himself and let him run the recruiting process. And it's completely insane.
In what organized, functioning society are 17 and 18-year olds ever allowed to be in charge of anything other than worthless, resume-building student government positions? The answer of course is: Not a damn one. And there's a reason for that. High school seniors are idiots. All of them. Their mood and ideas of what is important to them changes every 17 minutes. Their sense of the world is confined to the bubble, whether good or bad, in which they live and have lived for the last 17 or 18 years. THEY KNOW NOTHING.
Do you remember what you were like in high school? If I met my high school self right now, within ten minutes I'd want to pummel him to death with my fists and a bag full of rocks. I was, you were and these kids are INSUFFERABLE JACKASSES. So, to stroke their ego, tell them what they want to hear and promise them great things creates a human being that is capable of becoming more awful than they're already programmed to be.
Now, I said high school seniors are idiots, and they are, but by recruiting time, which starts for good players in their junior year, they have developed the ability to understand that they're very valuable to someone outside their family and circle of friends. That recognition comes once they are aware that they're very good at football and are revered in their high school and community for their football-playing talents. As more and more outsiders continue to lift them up and praise them, the ego and sense of self-worth explodes. Soon, they begin testing the waters to see who will do what for them. People around at their school, around town and eventually college coaches. They turn into people I want to beat with a bag full of rocks.
But, because recruiting is so insanely important, we are forced to tolerate these creations. We have to endure the terms "committed," "lean," soft-commitment" and the dreaded "DECOMMITTED." We watch ON TELEVISION as one of these assholes pretends to grab the hat of one school, then selecting another to wear as a sign of his official commitment, which, of course, is not binding at all. And we voluntarily put up with all of this because if we don't show enough concern or care about one of these little shits, we watch in horror as our team loses to a Jacksonville State.
So how do we remind high school seniors that, while a few years away from being a contributing member of society, they're only slightly more important than kid in junior high? Blow up the way the entire recruiting process works, starting with any appearance by a high school player on television other than local television. ESPNU games? GONE. Televised hat-selection commitments? DESTROYED. Recruiting rankings and player interviews and profiles on recruiting websites, where grown men ask them things like, "So, did you like school X? Also, me and half my subscribers would like to have a baby with you."? SENT PACKING THE WAY OF AOL SCREEN NAMES (this would also bring about the end of recruiting websites, which is the ultimate goal). And absolutely, positively zero part of anything related to signing day is to be on TV.
The less important and individualistic we make recruits feel, the less crap from them we have to endure. These are stupid, immature kids suddenly thrust into a spotlight created by all of us and behave just how your or my high school senior self would act. They're not equipped to handle it (just as we were not), yet we continue to put them there. It's time to throw that spotlight, and perhaps some of ourselves, off a bridge and remind them that, while they may be talented individuals, it is grown-ass people who run things and you'll get back in line and wait your turn.
With the departure of offensive coordinator Gary Crowton, who, last week, chose to take his Chevrolet Corsica offense to Maryland (who, in turn, is committed to never winning more than eight games), LSU coach Les Miles is in the market for a new offensive coordinator. One could argue he's simply looking for AN offensive coordinator because it's fairly debatable whether he's had one since 2007, but whatever your position is in that argument, LES MILES IS IN CHARGE OF A COACHING SEARCH. Now, while the possibilities for a hire similar or worse than Crowton are extremely high, he does deserve credit for the John Chavis hire last season. No doubt Chavis essentially fell into his lap, but Miles still had to back off his desire to bring Greg Robinson to Baton Rouge*.
*No proof that this was true, but IT WAS.
After scouring the internets and hounding sources (total number of sources: zero!), here's a list of candidates on which Miles is focusing.
Justin Fuente, Co-offensive coordinator, TCU
Fresh off a Rose Bowl win, Fuente has been in charge of calling the plays for the Horned Frog offense the last two years at TCU. In 2010, TCU was 12th in the nation in total offense and 4th in scoring offense, which would indicate he may know what he is doing, thus making this hire way too difficult for Miles, a man who abhors offenses that work.
Steve Kragthorpe, Unemployed
You know all those parties celebrating the end of the Crowton era that are still going on across Louisiana? They're about to turn into riots and anarchy if Kragthorpe is dusted off and brought to Baton Rouge. Kragthorpe is most well-known for taking over a strong Louisville program abandoned by Bobby Petrino and smashing that thing straight into the ground, crumbling what was one of the NCAA's best offenses and going 15-21 in three seasons before being fired. PLEASE LET THIS HAPPEN.
Cookie Monster, ?
Les Miles is a man of simple pleasures and interests. And what better way to keep him entertained during games than a children's character mumbling incoherent nonsense about cookies as the Tigers' offense falls ass-backwards into another touchdown.
An assistant coach at Southern Miss no one has ever heard of
Because, you know, the last time LSU hired someone from Southern Miss, it worked out really, really well:
The great Curley Hallman, career record at LSU: 16-28
The Devil, shadowy figure and major LSU booster
He's essentially been in charge since the never-will-happen-again-in-10,000-years two-loss national championship season for LSU in 2007, so the transition would be pretty smooth. Plus, it would be nice to officially recognize how Les Miles has won those games he was won. Or all of them.
By now, you've certainly heard the news that Auburn quarterback Cam Newton is leaving his semi-to-full professional career at Auburn to move on to the NFL, the only place that can outbid Auburn (ZING! I fully retract the ZING if that joke has been beaten to death with a claw hammer; busy day today and contact with the internets has been limited). To help him make that decision, Newton consulted family members, Auburn's version of Kenny Rogers and every corporation's best friend, the decision tree. Click to enormosize
Fresh off agreeing to a seven-year contract extension and not pursuing the job at Michigan (it's his alma mater, you know, maybe you heard about it), Les Miles met with members of the media to discuss his decision to stay at LSU until at least 2017, he's fired or disappears when a chariot of fire from the sky takes him away, whichever comes first (I can neither confirm nor deny I've got a c-note on the chariot of fire).
From his opening statement...
"Certainly, it was important that I visited with my alma mater. I certainly wish Michigan the best. I will forever be and want to be, a supporter of that institution that invested so greatly in myself. But, I am an LSU Tiger and I look forward to being an LSU Tiger for quite some time."
As a fan of a school not named LSU, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that I am delighted at his decision to stay while mildly terrified at the looming soul-piercing way I am sure my team will lose to LSU in one of the next few seasons. In all seriousness, if Ole Miss loses to them in a similar fashion as Tennessee did, you will not hear from me for at least four days. I won't be writing on here, answering phone calls or texts, nor will I answer emails because my computer will have been destroyed in the typhoon of rage immediately following that loss.
On if he thought he might leave for Michigan...
"I think any time that you vision a decision there is a potential for another outcome. You look at it and judge it effectively. I could not have met with Michigan without the potential of a different outcome."
"...I enjoy this community. I have distant friends or acquaintances that I enjoy representing. The reason I put it that way is because my car goes most comfortably from the office and back, but in between there are some wonderful people in this community and this state that I enjoy very much."
My brain temporarily lost functioning power after trying to decipher the first sentence in the first paragraph. And the sentence after that. And the one after that. But when I got to the line about the car, I realized that Les Miles' car has an autopilot feature or has the car from Knight Rider, and, in between driving from the office and wherever back is, he comes across some nice people. So, if you're curious, Baton Rouge is flooded with people standing along the side of the road that Les enjoys.
While talking about the factors in his decision process...
"There are other opportunities that never made the paper. There are other jobs that were run by me that I declined."
Those jobs? Unicorn wrangler, barker for the Yak Woman at the state fair, Santa's elf at the mall and trainer of seals. On the new contract...
"For me, the tenure has always been more important to me than the actual annual salary."
"Because I do NOT want to wrangle unicorns. That is some hard work!"
On Michigan...
"Michigan will rise again. They will have great success. That is a wonderful place to go to school, and the people there are committed to helping their athletes. Frankly, the credential of the Michigan education will hold you in great stead, and I'm living proof of that..."
"It's also where I met my buddy, Lucifer!"
On LSU being his last coaching job...
"I'm one of those guys who believes that where you are at is where you live your life."
MIND. BLOWN.
"Six years ago when I got here, my eyes are wide, and I didn't understand what I was about to run into. I was told, but it's kind of like the first time you ride in a plane. They tell you this is how it's going to feel like, and your eyes get big and however old I was, it was the first experience. I want you to know that I went through a couple of plane rides here and taking the field at Tiger Stadium, the people that are so passionate, that was a word that was descriptive to me of what I was going to feel."
"The women drinking as much liquor as the men, then throwing the liquor bottles with such pace and velocity. That was a moment of interesting emotion and interest I was unaware that was within myself in my car that drives itself to the office and across the great state of Louisiana with people out there offering us their great passion. Also, I don't think they were ready for someone who eats the grass of the field. So we'll call it even."
Starting next season, quarterbacks of the SEC who so generously give the ball away to opposing teams will have something more than a sentence and listing of interceptions to note their general failure. The Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure has now become something much bigger and better than that. In fact, if I were so motivated (I am not), I could make it become something tangible, given the abilities of the fine craftsmen at trophy stores across the country. But until that day arrives, we'll just have to settle for this flat image.
BEHOLD! The reborn Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure: Click to enormosize. Thanks to Andrew for turning my three-wheeled jalopy of an effort in Photoshop into something that makes me both angry and happy.
So,
Randall Mackey
Barry Brunetti
Nathan Stanley
Chris Relf
Tyler Russell
Tyler Wilson
Neil Caudle
Barrett Trotter
AJ McCarron
Jordan Jefferson
Jarrett Lee (he's never out of it!)
Tyler Bray
Larry Smith
Jared Funk
John Brantley
John Brantley's eventual replacement
Aaron Murray
Stephen Garcia
Connor Shaw
Morgan Newton,
if you suck, this is your great prize. And if you define new levels of quarterbacking failure, not only will you be sent this prestigious award, but it will be you with which the award will become associated. Therefore, I urge all of you to make your decisions on the field in 2011 soundly, except you, Stephen Garcia, except you. Always, always, always, keep riding that snake.
For those of you brave enough to sign up for the Fourth/Fifth-ish Annual Belly of the Beast College Bowl Pick'em Quest for Marginal Greatness, I thank you for your entry. Not counting myself, 24 people chose to come out of Internet anonymity and attempt to prove their worth at selecting bowl game winners. For those of us in the contest, we already know who won, but it is now time to recognize one of life's winners.
Reader Drew and his powerhouse picks, Favre Dollar Footlong, plowed through his top point values, correctly guessing 14 of the 15 games he had listed between the 21 and 35-point marks, while going 24-11 overall. A tip of the cap to you, good sir.
As promised, your prize package awaits. You have earned the satisfaction of being one of life's winners, a $50 gift from yourself and a PDF that has been sitting on my desktop for who knows how long. The contents of that PDF? After opening it a few minutes ago, I am pleased to announce you now have access to 19 pages of the 2009 Ole Miss media guide (the gift that keeps on giving!). You'll be able to quickly recall every score from every Ole Miss game ever (WHAT A TREAT!), as well as review the steady stream of mediocre to bad coaches and players who have spent time in Oxford. I cannot imagine why more people were not enticed by such rewards.
One final note, if you look at the very bottom of the standings, as predicted, I did battle valiantly for last place and won.
Congratulations to Auburn, king of all the land of college football. Drink of it deeply, Tigers, because it could all come crashing down next week, the week after that, the week after that, or.....oh, you get the point. But, even if the NCAA does strap C4 to everyone and everything associated with Auburn and presses "detonate," they can never take away the joy, rage, a little more rage, happiness, a sprinkling of additional rage and finally, the total elation you experienced. And I hate you for it. For I am an Ole Miss fan and will never see that mountaintop.
(To put it in "God thing" terms for Auburn fans, we will never cross the river into Canaan. We're going to die in that desert, not even making the climb up Mt. Tabor to catch a glimpse of the Promised Land.)
So, on that uplifting note, another season of college football comes to a close. The show will still go on around here, mostly with the help of duct tape and the old Merv Griffin Show set that I found in the dumpster out back. I advise you to get your emotional and physical rest over the next eight months before we have to do it all again. The next few months are especially critical because come May or June, this is directly in our path:
As the great Bodhi from Point Break said before riding off into the Mexican desert, "Yo, Johnny! I see you in the next life!"
With the last of the 34 exhibition games swept aside, we have finally arrived at the only post-season game that actually matters in the only sport in the entire world in which a team can go undefeated and not win a championship. And what better way to have both teams fully prepared to play in the most important game of the season than have them wait a month and a half from their final regular season games. THE NFL KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT AWESOME POST-SEASONS. HAVE SOME MORE BBVA COMPASS HUNGER LAS VEGAS HELICOPTER CREDIT UNION PIZZA BOWL.
As you know, I've been conducting an experiment of the exact opposite of the scientific variety during this exhibition season to determine whether or not it would be a good idea for me to wager mildly significant monies on college football games. The answer: What a horrible idea that would be, fool. Currently, I sit at 11-15-1 and $80 Confederate in the hole (I should also note that in The Belly of the Beast College Bowl Pick'em League, I am 24th out of 25 competitors), so take what you're about to read with an entire salt mine, as clearly I have no idea what I'm talking about.
What follows is a highly sophisticated, data-rich analysis of what I consider to be the key points of tonight's game*.
*No sophistication or data takes place in what follows.
SCHOOL LOCATION
I've never been to Eugene, but I hear it's a great place to be. When it's not 45 degrees and raining, which it is 265 days a year. Or so I assume. I have been to Auburn, and, while nothing spectacular, the sun does shine there the majority of the year. Although it loses points for resembling an oven during September (the 2001 Ole Miss game remains one of the hottest games I've ever attended), it makes those points right back up due to its proximity to the great Redneck Riviera (I do love that place; I believe it's been nearly three years since I've darkened the door of the Flora-Bama, which is 100% inexcusable).
Oregon can argue about the merits of being located close to the Pacific Ocean, but we all know the Pacific is not so much of a recreational body of water as it is a dark, swirling, icy cold discovery that not all oceans are 80 degrees and some in fact require articles of wear to prevent you from freezing death should you be dumb enough to enter.
GULF OF MEXICO!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
/fires pistol into the air
/shoots off eight grosses of bottle rockets in the middle of the afternoon
ADVANTAGE:
MOST INTERESTING WIKIPEDIA PAGE FACT ABOUT SCHOOL
Auburn:
Established in 1856 as East Alabama Male College.
Ron Franklin frowns on your directional moniker, but applauds your choice of keeping the weaker sex away.
Oregon: "The residents of Eugene struggled to help finance the institution, holding numerous fundraising events such as strawberry festivals, church socials, and produce sales."
Minus the church socials, I think this is the first documented record of hippies selling products of the land in order to keep, you know, bro, hangin' out and playing an early form of hacky sack.
ADVANTAGE: TOWEL WAVING ADVANTAGE:
SUPERSONIC CAPABILITIES
Though Auburn's offense is run by a big ass deer that can throw fairly accurate missiles when unable to scamper away from you and is also surrounded by other smaller deer who are exceptionally quick, they have yet to do this:
And though I only saw five or six Oregon games, I seem to recall that happening two or three times a game.
ADVANTAGE: BOOSTERS
As far as I'm aware, Phil Knight of Nike kabillions of dollars owns and operates the University of Oregon athletic department (he's a minority owner for the entire University; suck on that academics!). And while he gets Oregon all of the awesome Nike stuff that no one else even knows exists and builds athletic complexes with the spare change he finds in his couch made of softened Buffalo nickels, he's no match for this man:
Milton McGregor, BINGO PARLOR AND DOG TRACK BARON.
ADVANTAGE:
NONSENSICALNESS
It's well-documented, but this is how Oregon knows to run really fast and in what direction they should do so:
WATCH OUT FOR THE TOM PLAY, AUBURN.
While Auburn's nonsensicalness is generally related to its wins over Clemson, South Carolina (regular season version) and Alabama, as those never should have happened, but it goes to show what a briefcase full of bingo parlor and dog track money delivered to the bishop of the sports gods' church will get you.
ADVANTAGE:
PAYROLL
Auburn:
Oregon:
ADVANTAGE:
So there it is, as usual, money tends to tip the scale in the direction of those holding all of the money. Based on my calculations, Auburn wins this breakdown 4-3, which, oddly enough, will also be the final score of the game.
