Wednesday, September 01, 2010

One Day

First and foremost, a hearty BURN IN A FIRE to the NCAA for whatever shit that was they pulled on Tuesday.  I haven't seen rule interpretation that creative since they brought back the old Prop 48 rule (which they abolished) when Jerrell Powe tried to enroll at...OLE MISS.  You know, one time and I don't expect much.  But a second screwing and I'd at least like some breakfast out of the deal.  Something along the lines of Denny's would be perfectly acceptable.

But enough!  I could use some music straight out of Sweden right about now...

After that, how can you not think we have a chance in hell to win the appeal!  Oh, and just one more thing, the NCAA has reviewed a case similar to Masoli's.  In the 2008-2009 basketball season, Kenneth Cooper played in 15 games for Louisiana Tech before being kicked off the team.  He chose to stay in school, finish his degree and look for a graduate program at another school where he could finish his basketball career.  He found UAB.  Kenenth Cooper was cleared by the NCAA and played during the 2009-2010 basketball season for the Blazers.  The only difference between the cases is that no one has ever heard of Kenneth Cooper and no one gives damn about UAB.

As customary on our final day of the countdown, it's time to pick the winners of each division and the winner of the SEC Championship Game.  However, this year, instead of me doing boatloads (think Greg Norman yacht size loads) of research and yammering on for two or three paragraphs, I managed to find some help breaking down each team.  Helping me this year are former coaches of all 12 teams.  I'm sure they'll find insights us laypeople would never discover.  But in keeping with the theme of one day, I'll start things off with a single sentence preview.

EAST
1.  Florida
As long as Urban Meyer's nemeses of "scumbags" and "Internet people" don't slip over the fences during practice or into players' rooms, the Gators should have no trouble dismissing the rest of the East.

Florida Breakdown by Steve Spurrier
"Well, you know, they've got some players down there.  So good all those agents want them.  We don't seem to have that problem here at South Carolina.  But with that new quarterback, they might throw the ball around a little bit more.  Maybe run it a little less.  I'm sure Urban's got a plan, but right now Nick's got a better one."

2.  Georgia
Surely Aaron Murray won't be allowed to out-suck Joe Cox, right?

Georgia Breakdown by Ray Goff
"When I was coaching at Georgia....

(Steve Spurrier cuts him off)
"Lemme jump in there, Ray.  I don't think anyone can take you seriously.  Why, just yesterday I thought about the time we put up half a hundred on you in Athens.  Hell, we even ran a reverse to do it.  Hasn't been done since.  You keep up with Donnan?"

3.  South Carolina
I CAN.  NOT.  WAIT.  for Spurrier/Garcia 2010.

South Carolina Breakdown by Brad Scott
"Hey guys, Brad Scott here.  Don't be distracted by that flash.  I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes.  Yes that is a 1995 Carquest Bowl ring.  No, you may not touch it.  Wait a minute, I thought you said there would be food."

4.  Tennessee
Let me take this time to remind you that Derek Dooley was 17-20 at Louisiana Tech.

Tennessee Breakdown by Lane Kiffin
"Well, let's see here.  Matt Simms?  Sucks.  Tyler Bray?  Sucks.  David Oku?  Come ON.  This is why we couldn't win there last year.  No talent.  But the new guy is certainly benefiting from what we did there.  He couldn't do what he's going to do this year without us.  Hey, look, a hundred bucks! (finds $100 under his shoe)"

5.  Kentucky
I have no basis for this, but I think Kentucky fans will enjoy Rich Brooks' Twitter account more than the Joker Phillips era.

Kentucky Breakdown by Rich Brooks


6.  Vanderbilt
The Eastern Michigan game could be the difference between 1-11 and 0-12.

Vanderbilt Breakdown by Woody Widenhofer
"I haven't seen too much of them since I started work here in the Panhandle.  My toll booth keeps me pretty busy.  Damn drivers never stop driving.  It's not too bad though, get to be out with the people.  However, I will NEVER, EVER hitch my wagon to Hal Mumme's sparkler again.  That'll be 75 cents."

WEST
1.  Alabama
Can Nick Saban coach up a defense that lost nine starters or will the Tide stumble to a 7-1 season on their way to Atlanta?

Alabama Breakdown by Pappy Price
"Greetings from El Paso, the gateway to all that crazy shit going on in Mexico.  Seriously, that shit is in my BACKYARD.  It's not so bad here, big city, decent bar scene, pretty good strip clubs.  Even saw Tracy Morgan in one of them one night.

That night was CRAZY."

2.  LSU
That's right, no faith in Arkansas and that defense.  And everyone else is TERRIBLE.  Yes, even you, Auburn.

LSU Breakdown by Gerry DiNardo
"Why does Nick Saban get credit for Les Miles' national championship, but I get none for Saban's?  I mastered the I-Bone!"
/remembers DiNardo's time at Vanderbilt
/recalls no mastery of I-Bone

3.  Arkansas
Never trust a team that finished 12th in total defense in 2008 and 2009.

Arkansas Breakdown by Danny Ford
"Did I ever tell you about the time I won a national championship at Clemson?  Greatest.."
/mind blown by the idea of Clemson winning more than eight games

4.  Auburn
Does Trooper Taylor have one towel he waves all season or does he have an entire dresser dedicated to towels and chooses his game towel based on his mood?

Auburn Breakdown by Terry Bowden
"Is there somewhere I can send my resume?  Like a fax or something like that?  Do you email?"

5.  Ole Miss
For the record, I was considering placing Ole Miss second or third before today's news (which also includes Kentrell Lockett's trip to Cleveland to see doctors for a problem with his heart that will keep him out of at least the season opener).  DAMMIT.

Ole Miss Breakdown by Ed Orgeron


6.  Mississippi State
Minus Anthony Dixon, plus more Chris Relf, and I do not like.

Mississippi State Breakdown by Jackie Sherrill
"Dan's done a great job with the kids, really made some great strides.  I think he's going to take them places.  My one complaint is that he's not producing in the recruiting department, which kind of surprises me.  He's still got Melvin on staff, and he learned everything from me.  It's all about Hampton Inns and churches."

3 comments:

  1. Gray.. When I read your blog I can always count on you being objective in your points..Damn you've lost it on this one...What planet are you on that you think LSU and Ark will be better than Auburn and that Ole Miss will be better that State?..uh..uh..okie dokie..You do realize this is the same State team that beat the piss out of Ole Miss last year because of the play of Anthon...wait...I mean Chris Relf. The same State team that lost 3 starters total. Ole Miss lost everyone except a few Dline, couple linebackers, and Bradley by god Sowell. Seriously Gray? Last time I checked, your offensive play-makers are Brandon Bolden and Markeith Summers. Enjoy the season.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Brian Sorgenfrei9:28 PM

    Gray,
    please make sure Toast's comment is saved...for further review at the end of the season

    ReplyDelete
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