Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Things You Should Keep an Eye on if You Are of the Wagering-on-Sport Ilk

It's only Tuesday, but it's never too early to begin your meticulous preparation for wagering so that you can properly waffle over various point spreads from Wednesday night to Friday afternoon.  And we all know it's not a real bet unless you interpret defensive passing efficiency statistics combined with the tides schedule in the Gulf and that one Tennessee fan who annoyed the hell out of you five years ago in Knoxville to mean that, YES, the road underdog will cover.  So to add to the information most certainly necessary to making a successful bet, The Belly of the Beast is here to help.

But first, a free exercise in wagering to get the competitive juices flowing.  In the following video, Big Boi of Outkast spends a few minutes with penguins.  And how dare you require an explanation as to why.  Will he:  Reel in terror when the penguin waddles up to him or share a Swisher Sweet with the penguin?  MAKE YOUR WAGERS.

If you had "I can't wait to see the polar bears," then you correctly anticipated the late touchdown for a cover and your pockets are now full of imaginary money.

Florida WR Chris Rainey seems like a lucid, got-his-head-on-straight kind of guy
Actually, whatever the direct opposite of that is, that's what Chris Rainey is.  Rainey was arrested (DIRTY COACH ALERT, Stewart Mandel; I expect 1500 words STAT) last night on a charge of aggravated stalking.  Just what constitutes aggravated stalking?  Apparently, sending a text to your sort of girlfriend that says "Time to die" and following that up with "Wait and see what happens when they leave" when told the police have been contacted.  One would assume this will keep Rainey out of Saturday's game against Tennessee, but it's possible Urban Meyer will find a way to pin this on a reporter, call him a "bad guy" and give him the Meyer death stare, which lost its effectiveness when Tim Tebow graduated.
INFLUENCE ON BET:  None.  A car made out of milk crates, duct tape and old mops is still not a functioning car even when it loses one of those mops, no?

Les Miles considers tinkering with his offense (does not understand tinkering is supposed to make things better)
After Jordan Jefferson's display of incompletions against Vanderbilt, Miles has opened the door for the possible return of the pick-six machine that was Jarrett Lee.  Somehow, Miles has managed to block out the seven touchdowns Lee gave to other teams in 2008 and is considering giving Lee a shot at taking over for Jefferson.  "Jarrett Lee is practicing better, and he deserves to compete in this process," he said.  Though Jefferson remains the starter, it is likely Lee will see some action if Jefferson struggles, which means that Lee will see some action.  Possibly this weekend.
INFLUENCE ON BET:  When you have visual confirmation of Lee entering the game, buy a new house, take out no less than eight mortgages and confidently place them on the team LSU is playing.  And if LSU is favored, scrape up any spare cash you have and add that to the bet.

Arkansas RB Dennis Johnson has....yikes...you may want to enter a full-body flex before reading this
Johnson has what head coach Bobby Petrino described as a "bowel injury" that required surgery after Saturday's game.  Petrino said that his strength coach told him that Johnson talked about falling on the ball during a play.  Initially, the team thought it was a rib injury until Johnson starting throwing up, then they took him to the hospital for surgery.  According to Petrino, Johnson is "very, very sore" from surgery, but is up and walking and seems to be doing well.

I read that last night and still haven't relaxed my abdominal muscles (what few functioning ones there are).  Let's hope Johnson makes a full recovery and this injury NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN to anyone because I can't read something like that again.  Plus, if my abs don't relax soon, I won't be able to properly stuff my face at lunch.
INFLUENCE ON BET:  Ryan Mallett on the road in the SEC is all the influence I need.
SEC home games:  86-137 (62.8%), 331.8 yds/gm, 12 TDs, 3 INTs
SEC road games:  53-135 (39.3%), 216.3 yds/gm, 4 TDs, 2 INTs

Alabama RB Mark Ingram returns to practice with 1.5 good knees
Ingram practiced wearing a brace yesterday, a sign that he might see some playing time against Duke this weekend.  However, it is Duke and he probably won't be needed.  But if he were pressed into playing duty, I would think Mark Ingram with no knees could probably still grind out 80 yards and a touchdown against the Blue Devils.
INFLUENCE ON BET:  None.  But this highlight involving Duke is pretty awesome.

Houston Nutt wants to see more out of his defense this weekend and not the team in general
I'd like to see both units play for extended periods of time like they are not completely and totally as bad as I think they are.  Though I suppose the first steps to admitting you have a problem is some type of public admission, so we're taking steps to correct this.  By 2011.
/checks line
/sees Ole Miss (-14)
/purchases new home
/takes out eight mortgages
/places all eight firmly and confidently on Vanderbilt

A.J. Green's weekend eligibility to be determined Wednesday
The NCAA is expected to hear Georgia's appeal tomorrow and possibly issue a ruling on the same day.  Or maybe Friday.  Or next week.  Or in 2049.  There are no rules or accountability for the NCAA, so my best guess is that he gets an additional three game suspension, has to enroll in a graduate program while still an undergraduate and intern next summer in Indianapolis to take the workload off the four full-time employees.  Fair?  It's debatable.  But things like this happen when the spirit of a rule is compromised.
INFLUENCE ON BET:  How about a prop bet that says Aaron Murray will not throw a touchdown until A.J. Green returns?

No comments:

Post a Comment