South Carolina 17, Georgia 6
Wait, you're telling me a redshirt freshman quarterback with zero career starts in the SEC, a defense that was seventh in the conference in total defense in 2009 and a defense that is completely changing its scheme is a serious candidate to win the SEC East? I'm sorry, I thought this was America, a place where LOGIC AND INTOLERANCE FOR CRAP PREVAILS. In case you didn't see it, Aaron Murray wasn't awful, but he essentially brought nothing to the table, or what I like to call a "non-producer." However, what was awful was Georgia's ability to tackle South Carolina running back Marcus Lattimore. Steve Spurrier, temporarily possessed by bizarro-Steve Spurrier, elected to stop throwing and run the ball without mercy because of the Georgia defense's tendency to bounce off of Lattimore.
While this no doubt resulted in several millimeters being ground off of Spurrier's teeth, it did dramatically reduce the chance that Stephen Garcia would shake off this new responsible version of himself and do his best to give the game away. Once again, Garcia played above average but did nothing spectacular, which, given the South Carolina defense's performance, he did not need to do. As I've said before, under control Garcia is very disappointing and makes South Carolina games more boring than normal. And that's a shame. Because if all of us need more of something in life, it's Stephen Garcia operating as he was born to do: WITHOUT STRUCTURE. Also, if I owned a visor, I would give a tip of it to Spurrier who proved he still can win a big game he should win.
Florida 38, South Florida 14
Question for Skip Holtz: Actually, this is more of a statement: The rules of college football do not require you to throw a certain number of passes. Observe: The Bulls averaged 6.3 yards per carry on 39 rushing attempts. Quarterback B.J. Daniels attempted 20 passes, FIVE were completed, FOUR were intercepted and ONE was caught for a touchdown. Just a thought, but as you watched Florida's offense sputter its way into another punt attempt, why was it necessary to allow B.J. Daniels the opportunity to give the ball right back to them? That crap might fly in C-USA, but this is the Big East, buddy. TIGHTEN UP.
LSU 27, Vanderbilt 3
8-20, 96 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT
8-15, 70 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
Other than losing their hysterical blindness sometime Sunday morning, which they contracted from watching something so horrifying (or from consuming large quantities of grain alcohol), the good news for LSU fans was that they did outgain Vandy 392-135, which should secure LSU 11th place in the conference in total offense.
Alabama 24, Penn State 3
As expected, Alabama dominated from start to finish. Not as expected, a sign at GameDay that made me snort-laugh out loud: "Joe Pa fathered each cast member of the Jersey Shore." If only Paterno had brought in The Situation to inspire and offer career, relationship and woman-juggling tips, perhaps Penn State could have made things interesting.
Arkansas 31, Former Directional School 7
Oregon 48, Tennessee 13
If only the Vols could have stopped playing at the 14:21-mark in the second quarter, they would have won 13-3. Unfortunately, the remaining 44:21 had to be played and during that time Oregon scored 45 points while Tennessee scored none. Although, I suppose you could argue the Vols actually did stop playing at the 14:21-mark. It would almost be better to admit you quit because trying and getting outscored 45-0 has to be a most soul-numbing experience. There is good news, Vol fans. You, America and Derek Dooley now have visual confirmation that Matt Simms stinks, which means Tauren Poole should get 75 rushing attempts a game.
Kentucky 63, Western Kentucky 28
Mike Hartline, sir, who do you think you are? How dare you put up stats that are such a far departure from 2009. This, sir, is two straight games without an interception. You disgust me.
Ole Miss 27, Tulane 13
/discovers there are 10 more games in the 2010 season
/contacts local hospital to inquire about whiskey IV solutions
Same story as last week, only Jeremiah Masoli decided to dominate when things got tight. Pass defense is still terrible, interior offensive line is now worse (guard Rishaw Johnson kicked off the team and the back-up gets hurt) and the third quarter has turned into the third quarter in the David Cutcliffe era (How in the holy hell do you, as a major college football program, not gain a SINGLE YARD OF OFFENSE in the third quarter? SONOFABITCHWEARETERRIBLE.). Unless Houston Nutt is playing an ultimate version of possum before SEC games, this team is a 2-6 SEC team. Maybe. Okay, 1-7. (Note: We are not playing possum.)
And to further stoke my fires of rage, I had to deal with Time Warner Cable's giant sack of suck and bullshit. Because Time Warner is horrible and hates its customers, they do not offer man's greatest invention, ESPN3.com. So I was forced to try to purchase ESPNClassic, which was showing the first part of the game before it switched over to ESPN2 (upon the conclusion of the Orgeon/Tennessee game). I wanted to give Time Warner money and they REFUSED TO TAKE IT. They claimed they did not recognize the account number and therefore could not provide me with whatever horseshit sports package of which ESPNClassic is a part. Instead, I was forced to listen to the Tulane radio broadcast over the Internet until the Oregon game, which took half a damn century to play the third quarter, ended. And of course that crap didn't end until about 10 minutes to go in the Ole Miss game. So the lesson here is, as always, never subscribe to Time Warner.
However, I did get to see Houston Nutt and Tyrone Nix's celebration when we ended Tulane's last series with a sack. Since when does an ugly win over a horrid team warrant a celebration like we've just locked up a spot in Atlanta? Apparently, AFTER YOU LOSE TO JACKSONVILLE STATE. But, again, NO LOSSES IN THE SEC.
/finds splotches of wool on back
GAME I DIDN'T PICK BUT DESERVES MENTION HERE
James Madison 21, Virginia Tech 16
Taste my pain, Virginia Tech! And what type of an act would it take to ban writers and coaches from placing Virginia Tech, Miami and Florida State in the preseason Top 25? Free Golden Corral? Personalized stationary? Whatever it is, let's, as a collective college football body, make this happen.
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches
Marcus Lattimore, RB, South Carolina
37 carries, 182 yards, 2 TD
And 29 broken tackles.
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play
Chris Relf, QB, Mississippi State
12-25, 110 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
14 carries, 26 yards
Perhaps a little unfair because his coaches put him in situations that clearly did not suit what he does well, but as a starting quarterback, he should have made some of the throws he had open. Plus, even though Jordan Jefferson was probably worse, his team did win.
JOHN VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
Steve Spurrier, South Carolina
The Ball Coach had a game he should win and in typical un-South Carolina fashion, he won. Perhaps this is a sign of things to come, or it's just setting up for another South Carolina collapse, complete with more false start penalties ever recorded by a team.
2010 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the season
1. Jordan Jefferson 2
Ryan Mallett 2
Jeremiah Masoli 2
4. Aaron Murray 1
Chris Relf 1
Matt Simms 1
Larry Smith 1
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Arkansas at Georgia
If Arkansas is serious about winning 10 games, this is a game they have to win. If Georgia wants to not crank up a preliminary coaching search, they need to win this game. And then there's the Ryan Mallett Heisman campaign. SOMETHING MUST GIVE.
Mississippi State at LSU
Another chance for Dan Mullen to get a win against one of the big teams in the SEC, which I think is possible against this LSU team. Unfortunately, it's in Baton Rouge and that place is to Mississippi State what Tuscaloosa is to Ole Miss. That, to you uninformed masses, means a State win has about as much chance of happening as a bone in Ed Orgeron's foot does withstanding the intensity that resides in his body. Not to worry, he was still able to fulfill his duty of meating out and jumping around like a dumbass, like this: