Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Ryan Mallett Becomes the Latest Victim of NFL Draft People Not Employed by the NFL

Despite not having played a single game or participated in any sort of pro day since the end of Arkansas' season, NFL Draft experts, which is as loose of an interpretation of a word since Wayne Gretzky's wife called herself an actress, have determined that Ryan Mallett's draft stock is falling as we near the upcoming draft.  Citing the mystical and dark world of "baggage," these gentlemen have predicted that Mallett will not be drafted in the first round and could fall as far as the third round.

Surely the "baggage" to which they are referring is not just his arrest for public intoxication nearly two years ago, but something that is yet to become public knowledge, like he once beat a hobo senseless with a rusty oil drum lid, then threw the unconscious hobo's handkerchief full of possessions 55 yards on a rope for the perfect pass on a deep post route.  Because I'd hate to see someone lose millions based on one arrest for being a stupid college student and not based on the idea that the Drew Bledsoe type of quarterback may not work in the NFL anymore.

Or could this predicted plummet be related to Mallett's look he displayed last spring?  Was his La Tigre not La Tigre enough?

His Ferrari too Ferrari?

His Blue Steel neither properly Blue nor Steel?

Was his Magnum incapable of stopping an errant throw from clipping Mike Slive's forehead?

Could this all be yet another giant conspiracy to destroy Arkansas in which people in and around the NFL are now involved?  Does Roger Goodell secretly hate Bobby Petrino (of course, not; he publicly hates him like everyone else)?  HOW MUCH DID HOUSTON NUTT PAY THESE PEOPLE TO DESTROY THE GOOD NAME OF RYAN MALLETT BECAUSE YOU KNOW HE DID*.

*The sound you just heard was the noise of 27,293 Freedom of Information Acts being simultaneously filed to review Houston Nutt's phone calls and text messages to anyone with a number outside the state of Mississippi.

1 comment:

  1. I love that even after all football has ended I can come to "the beast" and get my fix...