Monday, February 07, 2011

Just When I Thought You Couldn't Possibly Be Any Dumber, You Go and Do Something Like This...

...and totally redeem yourself, Desmond Howard!

Though the story attempted to get lost in the weekend mix, it's impossible to hide an enraged Phil Simms because no one has never heard Simms' voice above a moderately concerned level. "Whay-el, Gee-yum, I don't think Tom Brady me-yent to throw that ball they-ure" is about as critical and upset as you'll ever hear Simms. It has to do with a blood oath signed by all major network announcers and analysts of professional sports in which they agree to never say anything critical or of value and sustenance in exchange for never being replaced, ever (So if you were to have kid tomorrow, that child would know nothing but Joe Buck and Troy Aikman until he or she reached the age of 25 or 30).

As reported on Saturday, Phil Simms ran into ESPN's Desmond Howard at a Super Bowl function, and wanted to do to him what every Ohio State fan and person who has seen Howard speak into a camera have always wanted to do: pummel him with fists of rage. Unlike the rest of America, who doesn't like Howard because he is bad at his job, Simms was upset over comments Howard made about Matt Simms, one-time starting quarterback for Tennessee and son of Simms.

While previewing the Tennessee/LSU game in the fall, Howard said that viewers would be watching three of the worst quarterbacks in the SEC in Jordan Jefferson, Jarrett Lee and Matt Simms (How correct he was!). According to some tweets by Howard, here's how the confrontation went down:
At NFL-Xperience and Phil Simms just threatened 2 hit me b/c I said his son was 1 of the worse [sic] QBs in the SEC. I told him "LET'S GO!" … I am DEAD serious about the Phil Simms thing. We all thought he was joking, but he kept going and said he wanted 2 take a swing at me!! … During the season we talked about the Tenn v LSU game and I said "u will see 3 of the worse [sic] QBs in the SEC" That's what Phil did not like. … It ended w/ police stepping in between so I could continue my appearance w/ fans.
Simms' version of the events was slightly different, most notably the part about him wanting to throw down fisticuffs:
"Desmond and I were having a private conversation that became heated. But at no time was there ever a chance of any physical confrontation, or that I felt the police officer assigned to me by the event planners for my appearance needed to separate the two of us."
I'm certainly no fan of Desmond Howard, but anytime someone can offer basic, critical commentary totally rooted in fact and statistical evidence, and cause a trained, professional NFL analyst to, for lack of more perfect descriptor, flip his shit, consider me impressed and delighted.  However, the really upsetting part of this story is Chris Simms' unheard cries of WHERE WERE YOU, DAD, WHEN I WAS GETTING NATIONALLY SKEWERED AND FILLETED FOR FALLING TO PIECES IN EVERY IMPORTANT GAME I PLAYED IN WHILE AT TEXAS?

So sad indeed.

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