Mega, Lightly Detailed Signing Day Recap

Another signing day, whoops, hold on, Signing Day (need to give it its proper respect) has come and gone.  As always, there was much rejoicing, wailing and gnashing of teeth and teenagers doing dumbass teenager things.  Although, to be fair, there were plenty of adults out there doing dumbass teenager things via the interwebs or within the confines of a home or office, perhaps even a home office for those lucky few.  Anyway, if you missed anything, I submit to you a brief summary so you don't have to plow through 57 tweets of each school's beat writer like I did earlier today when I had to go into a 10-minute meeting during the height of the madness (in fact, it may have been more like eight minutes).

ALABAMA
While I can't name a single player Alabama signed, I can tell you that Nick Saban seemed as pleased as Nick Saban will allow the public to think he is pleased.  In fact, a direct quote from Saban when he said, "Pleased with this year's recruiting class, filled a lot of needs. Doesn't every coach say that?"

So, if you're scoring at home, he was pleased, but still managed to get in a dusting of disgust.  However, the one player I can name involved in Alabama's signing day (dammit, I'm not going to waste the energy hitting the shift key each time I have to type that phrase) was offensive tackle Cyrus Kouandjio, and he didn't even sign with Alabama.  Or his other two choices:  Auburn and New Mexico.  To answer your questions, yes, they do play football at New Mexico, and, no, they are not good.  In fact, they are horrible.  You may remember their body of work in the form of a 1-11 season in 2010 and head coach Mike Locksley punching an assistant coach during the 2009 season.   Amazingly, Locksley is still there and coaching away, which should be a red flag to Kouandjio that New Mexico does not, in fact, give a damn about football.

ARKANSAS
In scanning the signees, I see nothing that indicates the Hogs recruited a personality without the abrasive asshole trait for Bobby Petrino.  However, Arkansas did manage to sign some offensive linemen that were important or something. 

AUBURN
I can tell you that Cyrus Kouandjio's family will take a vote on where he will sign to play football.  And if history is any teacher, when the decision is out of the player's hands, he's going to Auburn.  Sorry, New Mexico, looks like you'll be playing a cactus at left tackle next year.  Don't feel sorry for Alabama, as one of their other 12-star recruits will step right into Kouandjio's void.

From an Ole Miss perspective, Auburn did beat out Ole Miss for the services of running back Trey Mason and cornerback Jermaine Whitehead.  Mason, from Florida, I don't really have an opinion on, but Whitehead, from Greenwood, MS, is a big loss for Ole Miss.  Obviously, you never know about guys until they get on campus and start going against college players, but the main reason I was excited about Whitehead is that he was not any of the cornerbacks currently on Ole Miss' roster.

FLORIDA
For the first time I can remember, Florida got thoroughly thumped within its own state.  A coaching change is probably the major contributing factor, but it also helps that Florida State no longer has a confused old man in a straw hat staring off into the distance as its head coach. 

GEORGIA
Isaiah Crowell, a running back of great importance according to most recruiting rankings, appeared to be the biggest Georgia signee, but was certainly king of new ideas on signing day.  Crowell, when revealing his choice of Georgia, ignored the standard practice of selecting a hat and instead produced a LIVE ENGLISH BULLDOG:

Well played, sir, well played.  I also enjoy this screen shot because the guy next to him, while finding the use of the bulldog highly amusing, has just realized that his selection has to follow that.  Should have gone first there, boss, should have gone first.

KENTUCKY
I read that Kentucky lost some important instate players to Lane Kiffin at USC and Ron Zook at Illinois.  We all collectively weep for you, Wildcat fans.

LSU
Was he an outstanding player in the state of Louisiana?  Then he went to LSU.  And that is your LSU recruiting class summary.

MISSISSIPPI STATE
After defensive coordinator Manny Diaz and wide receivers coach Mark Hudspeth left Starkville for positions up the coaching ladder, State's recruiting class fell apart faster than a David Cutcliffe class that made it to campus.  The biggest blow was all-dominatingly awesome linebacker C.J. Johnson, who switched to Ole Miss.  It was a highly publicized switching of schools, mainly due to the attention attracted by the bombardment of postings by psychotic adults on Johnson's Facebook wall. 

Despite the collapse, Dan Mullen found his schmuck gear and, when asked about the success of Ole Miss' class, said, "Good. I thought we did pretty well, too. I guess we’ll find out next Thanksgiving. Just like the last two Thanksgivings.”

OLE MISS
It was one of the better classes Ole Miss has ever put together, which, given the shitstorm we saw in the fall, is pretty impressive.  Houston Nutt managed to convince five of the state's best players to stay home, including the aforementioned C.J. Johnson, as well as Nick Brassell and Tobias Singleton.  In his press conference, Nutt praised the mothers of the state, thanking them for listening and buying in to what Ole Miss is doing.  It was a standard pulpit performance from Nutt, with lots of short, choppy sentences arranged in no form whatsoever.  And thanks to Clarion-Ledger beat writer Kyle Veazey, we can Nutt's favorite words from the press conference in this word cloud.  Good to see "awesome" and "excited" have not escaped him.

Of course, no signing day at Ole Miss is complete without some inexplicable disaster/nonsense. Defensive back Floyd Raven had committed to Ole Miss, then switched to Texas A&M, then went back to Ole Miss before he finished a sandwich. Today, Ole Miss received a letter of intent from Raven, but it was illegible, so Ole Miss asked him to send another. And, of course, he never did.

Turns out Raven's mom sent the illegible one in without Floyd knowing and even forged his signature. His mom wanted him to go to Ole Miss and assumed that's where he was going to sign. She was wrong. So some hours later, Raven faxed his LOI to Texas A&M. GOOD TIMES.

SOUTH CAROLINA
Oversigning and Houston Nutt rule be damned. The Gamecocks signed 30 players and are still waiting for the decision of defensive end Jadeveon Clowney, who is one of these assholes who's going to wait another two weeks to decide. And as the number one player in the country, perhaps he should be allowed to do what he wants. Or maybe he's just waiting for the checks to clear. Whatever happens, if South Carolina didn't sign another Stephen Garcia, I'm going to be quite upset with you, Steve Spurrier.

TENNESSEE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Ahem.  HA!

VANDERBILT
You know what isn't awesome?  This signing class.  You know what is awesome?  THUNDERSNOW AND THE GREAT JIM CANTORE OF THE WEATHER CHANNEL.