Wednesday, June 15, 2011

This Man Will Make $425,000 Next Season

This shows all you kids out there that if you're hungry, aggressive, never rise above the level of running backs or receivers coach (minus two years where you were a co-offensive coordinator with your head coach, in which your duties included saying "Yes, sir!" and chest bumping), master taking care of people and working in the shadows from December to February, and are really, really good at waving a towel, you too can make just shy of half a million dollars in a calendar year.

But, if you're really lucky, you can be completely overmatched, compile a 6-45 record as a head coach with a former employer, have your defense rank 68th and 60th in the country in total defense and 79th and 53rd in scoring defense in your first two years of employment in your current job, fall ass-backwards into an All-American defensive tackle who is now gone, and you can make $500,000 in one year.

/drives to gas station
/impatiently waits for a pump to open
/FINALLY gets access to a pump
/accidentally opens the hood
/closes hood and opens gas tank
/swipes debit card
/enters pin
/selects 87 octane from pump
/places nozzle in mouth
/begins fueling
/drinks pump dry
/spends last breath refusing car wash and receipt

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