Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Tale Of The Tape: Mike Hamilton vs. Abraham Lincoln

Tennessee has announced that men's athletic director Mike Hamilton has resigned and will not be in charge of firing and hiring more coaches (yes, that's right, men's athletic director; there's also a women's athletic director, which let's you know just how much stinking money they have laying around at Tennessee).  Interestingly enough, this announcement comes just days before Tennessee is to appear before the NCAA's Committee on Infractions for the fine work of Lane Kiffin and Bruce Pearl in the cheating department.  Although, according to the Twitters, Hamilton will stay at his current job until June 30th, which means he'll be making the trip to Indianapolis to deal with the business end of an NCAA punishment.

During his time at Tennessee, Hamilton did his best to burn everything to the ground and give as many people money as time would allow.  He managed to fire the head coaches of all three major men's sports, while racking up a $10 million tab in buyout money.  And given Lane Kiffin's good fortune, had he not left, I assume he would have been fired and immediately paid $12 million a year for the next 75 years.  So, it could have been much worse.

A man with similar experience in firing so many leaders in such a short period of time (Hamilton took over at UT in 2003) is former President Abraham Lincoln.  During the Civil War, Lincoln rolled through eight different commanders in major operations in the fighting in Virginia, Maryland, and Pennsylvania.  But, I doubt he paid any buyout money to them, given his tendency to ignore major laws while trying to preserve the Union.

However, in terms of firings, how do these two men stack up against one another?  One, a genius, and the other, hirer of Lane Kiffin.  Behold!  The tale of the tape:

Hamilton
Phil Fulmer
Buzz Peterson
Bruce Pearl
Unkown baseball coach 1
Uknown baseball coach 2

Lincoln
Irvin McDowell
George McClellan (twice)
John Pope
Ambrose Burnside
Joe Hooker
George Meade
Ulysses Grant

What does all of this mean?  Only that Abraham Lincoln, from an entertainment standpoint, would have been the greatest athletic director in the history of college sports.

EDIT:  In a delicious bit of irony, Hamilton will be bought out at the discount price of $1.3 million over the next three years.  So, if you're in the Knoxville area, I suggest swinging by the athletic department offices, extending your hand, and wait for someone to hand a you a stack of bills.

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