Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Tale of the Tape: SEC Quarterback Back Tats

In the red corner:

AJ McCarron's back tat

And in the blue corner:

Tyler Bray's back tat

Let's do this thing!

Looks Like It Has Something to Say
I do not have a tattoo, nor am I particularly interested in getting one.  This is mainly due to me wanting to avoid the pain of a needle stabbing me hundreds, if not thousands, of times in an hour or two.  Plus, if it didn't occur to me that my idea for a tattoo sucked until a month or so after getting inked, and/or the tattoo artist sucked, well, that would all suck.

However, I've always believed that if one were to get a tattoo, there has to be some meaning behind it.  Getting a sun or any sort of tribal band is a badge that lets the world know you went to Ohio State, made a bad mistake that one time in Panama City Beach, or are an idiot (God have mercy on the person that is all three of those).  A tattoo that honors someone close to you, alive or dead, or marks some time period in your life you consider special for one reason or another, those make sense to me.

And that finally brings us to the breakdown of this category.  McCarron's tattoo has a lot going on.  There's the redneck title "Bama Boy," Jesus with a crown of thorns (and perhaps tears of blood), a shield, names that could be important to him, and it's all in the shape of a crest, which keeps things nice and tidy.  Bray's tattoo spans a good chunk of his upper back, while indicating nothing more than how to spell his last name, complete with tilted letters and stars to give it some depth.

I know what I'm getting with Bray's tat.  I'm not sure of the story behind McCarron's tat, but color me intrigued.


Quality of Design
While not particularly crisp, McCarron's tattoo (this thing needs a name so I can stop typing that over and over again...we'll call it "The Crest") does incorporate shadows, different shades of ink and typefaces, it has an area of focus in the face of Jesus, and it tells an unknown story.  Bray's tattoo ("Jazz Stars") looks like someone found some Microsoft clip art from the late '90s and said, "Done."  Or the tattoo artist was a 14-year old girl.


Fratty Bro's Initial Reaction to the Tattoo
The Crest:  "Dude, bad ass, man.  What's up with Jesus and all the names?  Whoa, is that dove too?  Hey, do you know Trent Richardson?"
Jazz Stars:  "Dude, you know what, as long as you win us nine games, I don't give a shit how gay it looks."


Head Coach's Reaction When Asked by the Media About the Tattoo
Nick Saban (on The Crest):  "Who?"
Derek Dooley (on Jazz Stars):  "I don't have any myself, but as long as he uses proper shower technique and prevents infection, I don't have a problem with it."


Street Cred
The Crest:  While it doesn't scream "I'm ready for life inside Angola state prison," it has enough of an edge to it.
Jazz Stars:  If that street was the street on which one of Panama City Beach's junior high schools was located, it would be strong to quite strong.


What My Mom Would Say
The Crest:  "Ugh.  Gross."
Jazz Stars:  "Ugh.  Gross."


Will There Be Regret at Some Point in Their Lives
The Crest:  Possibly, but unlikely.
Jazz Stars:  Happened about five seconds after it was shown to the first person not in the tattoo parlor at the time of the Jazz Star's creation.


So there you have it.  By a dominating score of 5-1, AJ McCarron's "The Crest" has defeated Tyler Bray's "Jazz Stars" in the first ever battle of SEC quarterback back tattoos.  Let us hope, nay, get down on our knees and pray that this will not be the last.

(Intensely staring at you, Stephen Garcia.  MAKE THAT MISTAKE.)

1 comment:

  1. Brian9:43 PM

    brilliant...gotta be honest....almost snorted while laughing at the fratty boys reactions