Thursday, June 09, 2011

Handicapping the Field of Tennessee Athletic Director Candidates

In the wake of men's AD Mike Hamilton resignation (I would love to resign from something one day and be paid $1.3 million, rather than have everyone celebrate saying, "FINALLY, he's gone!"), Tennessee has named women's AD Joan Cronan as interim AD for the entire athletics program.  Cronan has been in charge of women's athletics since 1983 and will only hold onto this position until a replacement for Hamilton is hired.  As a school with a great deal of money, success, and power, there will be no shortage of candidates from which to choose.

Through my highly accurate deductive reasoning skills, which are made up of 1% logic and 99% "this would be totally awesome if it happened," I've managed to narrow the field into those most likely to be hired.

Older Corporate Suit, AD at another school
Odds: 2:3
Pros: Looks like an athletic director, has experience hiring and firing (not as much as Hamilton, but, then again, not many do)
Cons: Dinosaur alert, not a member of the Tennessee family

Young Corporate Suit, assistant AD at another school
Odds: 3:1
Cons: Lack of experience, not a member of the Tennessee family

Phil Fulmer, former Vol player and coach
Odds: 7:1
Pros: Loves Tennessee, would most certainly bring back David Cutcliffe, who is universally loved by Tennessee fans
Cons: David Cutcliffe would return, baseball and basketball would become intramural sports

Bill Dance, professional bass fisherman and UT fan
Odds: 15:1
Pros: The man knows how to fish, which has to count for something among the Tennessee faithful

Sterling Marlin, former NASCAR driver, Tennessee native
Odds: 25:1
Cons: Would most certainly put lesser and slower-footed athletic employees into the wall with his school-issued golf cart

Peyton Manning, NFL quarterback
Odds: 50:1
Pros: Would cause certain sportswriters across America to spontaneously combust (and never be heard from again) at the thought of writing their greatest slobber piece ever on the NFL hero coming home
Cons: Would also want to call plays, school would never beat Florida in his tenure

Davey Crockett, folk hero, frontiersman, volunteer
Odds: 150:1
Pros: East Tennessee native, man of the people
Cons: Dead

Colossal Fireworks Warehouse
Odds: 200:1
Pros: Readily available throughout the state
Cons: Potentially deadly when in the hands of the wrong rednecks

Chattanooga, TN, city
Odds: 210:1
Pros: According to the people who live there, "CHATTANOOGA IS THE GREATEST CITY IN AMERICA."
Cons: Relocation might be an issue, top 20 crime rate, industrial decay, I DON'T WANT ANY ROCK CLIMBING GEAR, PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE


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