Get to Know Your SEC Football Players: Christian Holmes Edition

It's June, it's hot, and other than Ohio State committing one NCAA violation after another (welcome to the NCAA party, North Carolina!), not very much is going on right now.  However, to prevent your brain from entering a complete state of mush, we begin our annual offseason educational process of learning about the players who we both curse and praise during football season.  

Through this weekly, perhaps more if things get REALLY boring this summer, get-to-know-you format, it is my hope that you learn a little something about the player in this spot so that you may properly identify him as he destroys your team's chances to win a game with either a great or WHATTHEHELLAREYOUDOING play, is arrested, or is simply milling around in the background of shots of the sidelines.

Selection of players and teams is done through a super-secret formula that consists of I'm in charge, will do as I please, and mind your own business.  At the very least, I will not choose a team twice until all teams have been represented.


#44 Christian Holmes, LB, Mississippi State

Some background information
Well, well, well. I go and run my mouth about getting starters and contributors so far for this thing and here we are with a true freshman linebacker who's not going to play this year. However, we did catch somewhat of a break here as Christian is all over the Twitter scene, specializing in Tweets that are less than 10 words:



Sound advice and dedication from a player who looks to have his head on straight.

Greatest on-field accomplishment
Yet to occur, minus high school moments, which I'm sure were lovely.  I've only been looking through his Twitter pictures for about 10 minutes, but this is the best one so far:


Strengths
Recognizing Alabama rednecks at the beach:


Weaknesses
Taste in movies:

Seriously, you can't watch this one and not watch Tokyo Drift as well.

Based on 10 seconds of me looking at his picture, what is his favorite song, movie, TV show, or piece of literature
The yet-to-be made summer blockbuster, Seven Fast, Seven Furious.

Where to look for him in 2011
Twitter. Barring injuries in front of him, it doesn't seem likely Christian will see significant playing time. I'd keep an eye out for him in the background of shots of the sidelines and maybe even during special team plays.

Coach Mullen, any final thoughts?

"Christian's a great kid. He's gonna help us keep the Egg Bowl trophy in Starkville for a long time."

Tale of the Tape: SEC Quarterback Back Tats

In the red corner:

AJ McCarron's back tat

And in the blue corner:

Tyler Bray's back tat

Let's do this thing!

Looks Like It Has Something to Say
I do not have a tattoo, nor am I particularly interested in getting one.  This is mainly due to me wanting to avoid the pain of a needle stabbing me hundreds, if not thousands, of times in an hour or two.  Plus, if it didn't occur to me that my idea for a tattoo sucked until a month or so after getting inked, and/or the tattoo artist sucked, well, that would all suck.

However, I've always believed that if one were to get a tattoo, there has to be some meaning behind it.  Getting a sun or any sort of tribal band is a badge that lets the world know you went to Ohio State, made a bad mistake that one time in Panama City Beach, or are an idiot (God have mercy on the person that is all three of those).  A tattoo that honors someone close to you, alive or dead, or marks some time period in your life you consider special for one reason or another, those make sense to me.

And that finally brings us to the breakdown of this category.  McCarron's tattoo has a lot going on.  There's the redneck title "Bama Boy," Jesus with a crown of thorns (and perhaps tears of blood), a shield, names that could be important to him, and it's all in the shape of a crest, which keeps things nice and tidy.  Bray's tattoo spans a good chunk of his upper back, while indicating nothing more than how to spell his last name, complete with tilted letters and stars to give it some depth.

I know what I'm getting with Bray's tat.  I'm not sure of the story behind McCarron's tat, but color me intrigued.

ADVANTAGE:  McCarron

Quality of Design
While not particularly crisp, McCarron's tattoo (this thing needs a name so I can stop typing that over and over again...we'll call it "The Crest") does incorporate shadows, different shades of ink and typefaces, it has an area of focus in the face of Jesus, and it tells an unknown story.  Bray's tattoo ("Jazz Stars") looks like someone found some Microsoft clip art from the late '90s and said, "Done."  Or the tattoo artist was a 14-year old girl.

ADVANTAGE:  McCarron

Fratty Bro's Initial Reaction to the Tattoo
The Crest:  "Dude, bad ass, man.  What's up with Jesus and all the names?  Whoa, is that dove too?  Hey, do you know Trent Richardson?"
Jazz Stars:  "Dude, you know what, as long as you win us nine games, I don't give a shit how gay it looks."

ADVANTAGE:  McCarron

Head Coach's Reaction When Asked by the Media About the Tattoo
Nick Saban (on The Crest):  "Who?"
Derek Dooley (on Jazz Stars):  "I don't have any myself, but as long as he uses proper shower technique and prevents infection, I don't have a problem with it."

ADVANTAGE:  Bray

Street Cred
The Crest:  While it doesn't scream "I'm ready for life inside Angola state prison," it has enough of an edge to it.
Jazz Stars:  If that street was the street on which one of Panama City Beach's junior high schools was located, it would be strong to quite strong.

ADVANTAGE:  McCarron

What My Mom Would Say
The Crest:  "Ugh.  Gross."
Jazz Stars:  "Ugh.  Gross."

ADVANTAGE:  Push

Will There Be Regret at Some Point in Their Lives
The Crest:  Possibly, but unlikely.
Jazz Stars:  Happened about five seconds after it was shown to the first person not in the tattoo parlor at the time of the Jazz Star's creation.

ADVANTAGE:  McCarron

So there you have it.  By a dominating score of 5-1, AJ McCarron's "The Crest" has defeated Tyler Bray's "Jazz Stars" in the first ever battle of SEC quarterback back tattoos.  Let us hope, nay, get down on our knees and pray that this will not be the last.

(Intensely staring at you, Stephen Garcia.  MAKE THAT MISTAKE.)

Channing Crowder May Have Sold His Florida Game Jerseys; Wait, Channing Crowder Has a Radio Show?

The current Miami Dolphins linebacker and former Florida standout mentioned with a nudge-nudge-wink-wink-say-no-more that he "hypothetically" sold his jerseys while playing at Florida.  His exact words:

"I'll say hypothetically I don't have any more of my Florida jerseys.  There were some Jacksonville businessmen that really hypothetically liked my play."

Well, something had to help cover those non-hypothetical court fees from a pair of arrests while in Gainesville.  But what does this mean in the grand scheme of things?  That radio stations have WAY WAY WAY too much time to fill, resulting in literally anyone getting a radio show.

Russell Wilson Will Attempt to Choose Wisely

Wilson, formerly of the NC State Wolfpack, will allegedly make his decision this afternoon on where he will attend school in the fall, but mostly play college football ("THAT DANGED JEREMIAH MASOLI NEVER WENT TO A DAY OF CLASS" -No one, because Ole Miss was 4-8 last year). The final two schools on his list are Auburn and Wisconsin, but the possibility remains that he'll choose to continue playing minor league baseball. To help put his options in perspective, I give you pictures that represent words I was too lazy to write.

Auburn

"My dawg!!!"






Sometimes, they don't even wait until you're out of your uniform.

Wisconsin



Only when supplies of Natty Light run out.






Will not be at Wisconsin.

EDIT BEFORE I COULD EVEN FINISH THIS:
Wilson chose Wisconsin over Auburn and baseball. 

Les Miles Sweeps the Leg of His Own Child

I know this is at least two or three days old, but no one has ever said, "You know, I could really use a little less Les Miles in my life." So drink of it deeply. If you've been hiking with James Franco or trapped in his invisible art museum, here's the full video.

Get to Know Your SEC Football Players: D.L. Moore Edition

It's June, it's hot, and other than Ohio State committing one NCAA violation after another (welcome to the NCAA party, North Carolina!), not very much is going on right now.  However, to prevent your brain from entering a complete state of mush, we begin our annual offseason educational process of learning about the players who we both curse and praise during football season.  Through this weekly, perhaps more if things get REALLY boring this summer, get-to-know-you format, it is my hope that you learn a little something about the player in this spot so that you may properly identify him as he destroys your team's chances to win a game with either a great or WHATTHEHELLAREYOUDOING play, is arrested, or is simply milling around in the background of shots of the sidelines.

Selection of players and teams is done through a super-secret formula that consists of I'm in charge, will do as I please, and mind your own business.  At the very least, I will not choose a team twice until all teams have been represented.


#82 D.L. Moore, WR, South Carolina

Some background information
Last summer when I did this, I'm not sure we got two starters (or major contributors) the entire time I did this thing, but we'll ride this hot streak until we crash face first into Kentucky's redshirt freshman punter. Speaking of Kentucky (THIS IS HOW YOU TRANSITION, PEOPLE), D.L. Moore, the redshirt junior, arrived in Columbia via Bowling Green, Kentucky, where he played high school football. One of the more interesting tidbits about Moore is that he caught the lone touchdown in the Papa John's Bowl disaster in Birmingham, a bowl game in which South Carolina lost to UConn and caused Steve Spurrier to hate his life and Stephen Garcia with the fire of a thousand suns.

Out of high school, D.L. turned down an opportunity to play for Nebraska and become the first player to be strangled to death by Bo Pelini with a piece of Trident gum. It hasn't happened yet, but it will, it most certainly will.

Greatest on-field accomplishment
For the second straight week, a special teams player gets obliterated by our featured player, albeit, this time, cheaply:



Strengths
Like every South Carolina wide receiver since Spurrier's arrival, he's 6'4" and over 210 pounds. With a half dozen wide receivers that size, including Alshon Jeffery (would certainly get an apartment with him), it blows the mind into thousands of little tiny pieces that Stephen Garcia has not once thrown 30+ touchdowns in a season (pre-Marcus Lattimore).

Weaknesses
Stephen Garica is in charge of getting him the ball, and if he fails, Connor Shaw answers the bell.

Based on 10 seconds of me looking at his picture, what is his favorite song, movie, TV show, or piece of literature


Where to look for him in 2011
Projected as a starter again, D.L. should see his numbers from last year (17 rec., 164 yards, 2 TDs) go up. But then again, Stephen Garcia is involved so who knows. Regardless, you'll see him on the field, most likely blocking for Marcus Lattimore, or chasing down a defender after an errant Garcia throw.

Coach Spurrier, any final thoughts?

No? Alright then. D.L. Moore, everyone!

ESPN Could Have Saved Themselves Some Time

Earlier today, Edward Aschoff, one of ESPN's two SEC bloggers, posted his team rankings of defensive backs in the conference.  At the top of that list, the usuals, Alabama and LSU.  At the bottom of that list, and whatever the exact opposite of shockingly is, raise that to the six billionth power and that's the word I'm looking for, is Ole Miss.  Even giving them the number 12 is probably a little too generous.

12. Ole Miss: This group had to hear about how it was the goat of last season’s 4-8 campaign after allowing 246 passing yards a game. It was a motivational tool this spring, but there’s a lot of work to do. New defensive backs coach Keith Burns was pleased with the spring progress and really liked how JUCO transfer Wesley Pendleton played at corner. He’s competing to take one of those spots from either Marcus Temple, who missed spring with injury, or Charles Sawyer, who had to be pushed at times this spring. The reliable Damien Jackson is back at safety and could line up next to Brishen Mathews, who got good playing time last season, but is still unproven. JUCO transfer Ivan Nicholas and freshman Cliff Coleman will compete for time at safety and corner, respectively.

Instead of spending 134 words saying, well, they were terrible last year, but now they have some new guys who we know nothing about, and they may not be as terrible, but there's only four cornerbacks on scholarship and two of those have never played in a college football game, this picture would have offered a much more succinct and accurate summary of the Ole Miss secondary:

Auburn Hands Out Championship Rings and More

Yesterday, on the information superhighway (is that terms still relevant?), pictures appeared of Auburn's championship rings from last football season's triumphs came into the light.  There were three rings total because, as Auburn's recruiting strategy says, three is always better than one.



Not pictured were other various gifts and rewards for a job well done, mainly because the NCAA frowns upon such a thing, but, again, as Auburn's recruiting strategy says, what they don't know can't hurt them (or us). Some of the additional gifts are pictured here:


Scepter
No king can rule without a shiny, valuable stick to point at someone to show how much better they are than them.


Golden crown
And no king is complete without a crown. This is just how it works. I've seen the movies.


A pair of mules
While always pretending to be a sophisticated lot, Auburn is an agricultural school. These will come in handy when the school eventually loses its SACS accreditation, which should happen right around the time someone gets to the bottom of the Cam Newton scandal in 2046.


Dodge Charger
Wait...hold on. I'm terribly sorry, I've mixed up my Ohio State files with the Auburn ones. Moving on...


Briefcase full of cash money
Now that's more like it. A much more familiar feeling for Auburn.


Bingo cards


Bingo markers


Greyhound
All to be used during a trip to prominent Auburn booster, and bingo parlor and dog track baron, Milton McGregor's places of business. Assuming he doesn't get sent to federal prison.


An evening with Pat Dye
Players must supply booze, fishing gear, and possibly pants for Pat.


Towels with flakes of gold
Sorry, players. These are for Trooper Taylor only.

Matthew McConaughey Reviews Mike Leach's Book

As you may have heard, former Texas Tech coach, and forever nemesis of Craig James, Mike Leach has a book coming out next month. Titled Swing Your Sword, because there is no other name for a Mike Leach book, it promises to be Leach's views on everything from coaching to leadership to barometric pressure to the best item to get on McDonald's breakfast menu. Plus, the part where he mentions how much Craig James REALLY REALLY sucks will be awesome.

Who better to review such important tales of pirating, scoreboard lighting up, and dating advice than America's favorite movie star who became one of his characters in real life, Matthew McConaughey. .

Take it away, Matthew*...


"He’s one of the most unique people I’ve ever met. He’s infinitely curious about everything. He doesn’t come in there and meet new situations with an agenda. He likes to walk straight up and ask the tough questions. He loves it when someone is real as can be. He wants to learn something new. He wants to hear another point of view on something.

Mike Leach is an infinitely interesting guy. His free association is epic. Nobody has the ability to free associate like this guy. He starts going and you’re thinking, ‘O.K., where are you going with this?’ I love his re-set. His re-set line is always, ‘well, the thing is.’ Whenever he switches gears to another subject, that his comma, it’s ‘Well, the thing is. . . ‘"

Real?


"As can be."

Free association?


"Epic."

If you called Mike Leach "Melba Toast," which it's highly possible you do, what would he be packing?





*Did not make the quote up. That's his actual review on the Amazon page.

Jordan George Thomas Jefferson

Like his completion percentage, Jordan Jefferson gets half of the answer right:




I'LL BET WE ALL LOOK ALIKE TO YOU, JORDAN.

Things That Go Faster Than They Probably Should

Supersonic jets


Sonic the Hedgehog


College football season


Usain Bolt


Dexter McCluster


John Avery
(I'll stop with the Ole Miss; I have so little to hold on to now)


The General Lee


Time while playing Modern Warfare 2


Days with temperatures that don't immediately create back and ass sweat


2011 Nissan Altima*

*Only when driven by Oregon defensive back Cliff Harris. 118 in a 65? SIX CYLINDERS OF RAW AMERICAN MUSCLE CAR.