Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Two Days

This is how they do The Final Countdown in Japan:

Not much different than the rest of the world.  Still AWESOME.

Today's theme is that of pairs or, as they call it in the TV business, partners.  So let's take a look at the announcer pairings that you will most certainly find yourself cursing at when they mispronounce the names of player on your team, say something like "Urban Meyer said he wants to have the fastest team in America" or attempt to oversell the old "when was the last time you picked up the check for dinner, partner!" joke.  I'LL GIVE YOU THE $22.78 IT TAKES TO EAT YOUR DAMN ENDLESS BOWLS OF PASTA AT OLIVE GARDEN IF YOU STOP USING THIS JOKE.  In no particular order, except that I should note Mike Patrick and Craig James are spectacularly worse than anyone else.

Verne Lundquist, Gary Danielson, CBS 2:30 game
Uncle Verne boasted the best pipes in the business until the return of Ron Franklin this year from whatever exile island to which ESPN sent him for essentially telling Holly Rowe what the rest of us know:  she's an idiot.  But our dear uncle has started to slip in the past few years, mispronouncing more names than usual and often in a state of confusion.  We'd all like to give him one more victory lap, but at the same time maybe Verne has earned the right to stay as long as he wishes.  Or until he finally confuses the Georgia/Florida game with the 16th green at Augusta.  Gary Danielson, however, is still as sharp, smug and slightly assholish as ever.

Craig Bolerjack, Steve Beuerlein, CBS 11:00 AM-Ruin-your-day-game
Every play is exciting, every player is a PLAYER.  Get ready for a third and five that could define the next 25 years of SEC football.  I personally recommend the mute feature on your remote.

Brad Nessler, Todd Blackledge, ESPN primetime game
I'm not sure you can accurately measure Todd Blackledge's relief when ESPN informed him he would no longer be paired with Mike Patrick (I believe this was after the 2008 season).  Watch the exact moment Blackledge realized he should have stayed at CBS:

Mike Patrick, you suck.

Mark Jones, Bob Davie, ESPN2 primetime game
Bob Davie wasn't qualified to coach college football and amazingly, he's even more underqualified to speak in a live format about college football games.  If ESPN wanted an organized march on Bristol which resulted in the sacking and looting of its campus, they should pair Davie with Mike Patrick and bring in Kenny Chesney to discuss "Boys of Fall" and his love of the Boston Red Sox that started in 2004.  The lesson as always:  ESPN exists to create new degrees of rage within your body.

Clay Matvick, Herm Edwards, ESPNU primetime game

Rece Davis, Craig James, Jesse Palmer, ESPN Thursday night primetime game
What has America done to ESPN that we have to suffer the plague of Craig James?  His ass is on Thursday nights and on Saturdays with Mike Patrick.  I'm sorry, I thought the idea was to put your most talented people on the air as much as possible.  Apparently, that is not how things work on TV.  Or at ESPN.  Which might explain Stuart Scott.

The one interesting part of this team was the introduction of Jenn Brown to the world of college football.  That is no longer interesting because of this.  Seriously, BURN IN A FIRE, KENNY CHESNEY.

Sean McDonough, Matt Millen, ABC Saturday afternoon game
McDonough is awesome.  Matt Millen is a master of destroying franchises, yet strangely competent while talking about football.  Sean McDonough, don't let him choose the restaurant.  No matter how hard he sells it, Golden Corral is a poor choice.

Mike Patrick, Craig James, ABC Saturday afternoon game
/overcome with rage
/whips computer across room
/needs new computer
/begins letter writing campaign to insist upon the removal of these two
/realizes no one uses the mail anymore
/goes to liquor store

Ron Franklin, Ed Cunningham, ESPN or ABC Saturday afternoon game
"With Notre Dame blowing out Purdue, Holly Rowe praised the defensive coordinator of Purdue for using the team's timeouts towards the end of a blowout loss.  Holly Rowe added to her praise this comment: "If the coaches are giving up, what does that say to the players?"  Mr. Franklin responded with, "Holly, it's not giving up. It's 49-21, sweetheart."
Idiot.   Instead of Rowe going away for being worthless, ESPN chose to bury Franklin by having him call some crappy Big 12 games or even a West Coast game.  It's good to have him back calling some games that might actually mean something.  Holly Rowe, however, will still be on television offering nothing.

Dave Neal, Andre Ware, SEC Network Jefferson Pilot/Lincoln Financial game
To keep us connected with our past, Dave Neal still has a job.  There is no other explanation.  Either that or no one else wants to get up that early.  I kid.  I like Dave Neal.  His voice lets me know the Ole Miss/Vanderbilt game is about to start.


  1. When can we expect a Pam Ward appearance? Do we have to wait until bowl season?

  2. I don't think Pam is allowed south of Kentucky.