My apologies to the numbers five and four, as they will not be a part of this countdown. And if you're scoring at home, that makes two straight years they did not make the countdown. Either they need to not fall on a Saturday and Sunday or I need to spend time here on a Saturday and Sunday. So they need to not fall on a Saturday and Sunday. Let's get to the melodic, glam metal...
Just three days away now and, like Red from Shawshank, I can barely sit still or hold a though in my head. So before I become distracted and wander away from the computer, let's get this thing done. Every year ESPN/ABC decides from the comfort of their offices in Bristol and New York that televised college football games need a song that embodies the experience of the game while striking an emotional connection with fans. This song is usually played during the introduction to games and any sort of studio show. This song is also usually a steaming pile of elephant shit. In recent years, we've been subjected to some crappy Dave Matthews song (because nothing says college football like a musician who's popularity peaked around 2001 and who's songs get exactly zero people excited about the blood lust that's about to take place) and, because ESPN truly hates its viewers, Kenny Chesney (Note: Jefferson Pilot/Lincoln Financial also rolled out the big guns of Daughtry and Brooks and Dunn. Additional note: For this reason alone, JP/LF needs to have its corporate headquarters burned to the ground and the earth on which it stood salted.).
Kenny Chesney. There are not strong enough or vile enough words to describe how much I hate Kenny Chesney. This bald, 5'4" stack of suck has been tormenting Americans with brains operating at 45% power for something like 15 years now, cranking out one atrocity after another. Unfortunately for those of us with the power to think, a large chunk of Americans are stupid and will gladly lap up moronic songs about times in high school, bonfires, beaches and seashell necklaces. So ESPN/ABC has determined that this segment of America certainly represents those watching college football and thus Kenny Chesney is an excellent choice to speak to all college football fans (and certainly not that his record label might be in bed with Disney).
If you've forgotten, ESPN/ABC has partnered with Chesney and will use his "Boys of Fall" song for all football-related shows in 2010 (Note: The album title: Hemingway's Whiskey. If Hemingway were still alive, I'd like to think he'd pummel that non-sleeve wearing shit into a bloody stack of seashell necklaces. BURN IN A FIRE, KENNY CHESNEY.). I haven't heard the song yet, but I can tell you that if it were an ethnic group I would fully support its genocide. And while we're at it, BURN IN A FIRE, ESPN/ABC.
But since TV people can't have football games without some sort of intro highlight package with a song, a song must be chosen. And so, that finally brings us to the purpose of today's countdown number, three songs ESPN/ABC should have considered for their college football anthem in 2010.
1. "Wherever I May Roam" by Metallica
Even though Lars Ulrich is a whiny bitch, this song is AWESOME. Slow build-up? Check. Provides adequate preparation for skull smashing that is to come? Check. Makes you want to run through a brick wall? Check. Fast-paced and has great spots in which a bone crushing hit could be set to the music? DOUBLE CHECK. Son of a bitch, I love this song.
2. "Ms. New Booty" by Bubba Sparxxx
We've got to cover the rap genre and what better way than redneck rap. Bubba Sparxxx (if that is your real name, sir) is white, which should calm the racist nerves of older white people, but he keeps it close to the street by bringing in the Ying-Yang Twins. It's up-tempo, has an incredibly get-stuck-in-your-mind chorus (actually, the whole song may be just one big chorus) and it's from the dirty ATL. This one can't miss.
/barely survives public stoning for suggesting anything by Bubba Sparxxx
/gunned down for not suggesting Ludacris
3. "Family Tradition" by Hank Williams, Jr.
Redneck-ish? You know it. Appeals to everyone? Absolutely. Captures the spirit of college football and the activities to cope with a college football season that have traveled from generation to generation? Ehhhh....72%. Close enough. But it's, as Les Miles might say, a DAMN FINE SONG.