Tuesday, August 17, 2010

And the Sports World Returns to Its Summer Axis

After Summer 2010 bucked the standard summer tradition of three months of John Kruk and other baseball people yammering on about WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE RED SOX, things have settled into a light lull, perhaps along the lines of a 25-minute power nap, right before football begins.  So for the next two weeks, expect things to be bone dry-ish around here in terms of content.  You'll see what I'm talking about when you read a story about Clemson quarterback Kyle Parker choosing to return to school.  That's right, THE Kyle Parker.  Although, not to worry, I'm working on another countdown extravaganza/whatever to football season that will hopefully get us through the last part of August.  I don't know if it can top last year's countdown involving 16 different videos of Europe's Final Countdown, but it might (Note:  I don't know because I don't know what I'm doing yet.  As always, nothing but the best around here.).

Kyle Parker returns to Clemson to ensure the Tigers complete another 7-5 season
Parker, the 26th overall pick by the Colorado Rockies in Major League Baseball's June draft, agreed to a contract with the Rockies that allows hims to return to Clemson for at least another year.  If he stays beyond that, he'll lose the majority of his signing bonus.  Interestingly enough, had he left school for baseball, the Tigers would have had another quarterback put up the exact same numbers as Parker, lose to the exact same teams and have the exact same record that Parker will lead them to in 2010.  Just as rival South Carolina is trapped in a universe in which it cannot run block or protect the quarterback, Clemson is trapped in a space where it cannot avoid losing to teams to which it has no business losing.

Florida joins Ole Miss as a school in which its students like to settle dispute with box cutters
Technically this fight involving Florida commit Ja'Juan Story and his arrest didn't take place on campus, but since he's on the cusp of joining the Gator football program (DIRTY COACH ALERT) I'm going to count it.  So how did this fight go down?
Story, 18, told The Gainesville Sun on Monday that he was trying to break up a fight that involved the mother of his brother's child and three other women.
"When I turned around, her and a woman and her two daughters was about to fight," Story said in a text message. "So I came over because there was knives and I took a box cutter from my brother's (girlfriend), but one of the other girls had two knives. I tried to tell her to leave but she wasn't listening."
Just one serious question that needs to be asked here, are box cutters cheaper than knives?  I know in the long run they're probably more expensive since you have to replace the blades, but for the purposes of cutting another human you really only need one.  I would think even a dull box cutter blade could do the damage one would want it to do if used as a weapon of choice in a fight.  And if they are cheaper, I think this could pave the way for more box cutter fights in the future.  Although none will ever match the gold standard set at Ole Miss:

Also, that text message sent by Story has to hold the records for both longest and most coherent text message ever sent by someone under 21.

Arkansas takes the crazy up a notch and fires media person for wearing a hat
Renee Gork, a reporter for an Arkansas radio station (a station not owned or operated by the school), was fired yesterday for wearing a Florida Gators hat to a Bobby Petrino press conference.  Petrino, after Gork asked him a question, said that he would not be answering any more questions from her since she was wearing the hat.  This brought her stupidity of wearing a different school's hat to an Arkansas event (if she had worn an Arkansas hat, she would have been only slightly less stupid since there's something out there that says media members should never show affiliation with a team or school while working) to the attention of the Arkansas fan base, who promptly issued death threats and instituted a she's-a-witch-burn-her campaign until Gork was either fired or put to the flames.

The morons involved here are too many to count, but is it possible to get the FDA to hand out free Valium to the ENTIRE STATE OF ARKANSAS?  How else are they going to calm the hell down?  It was a stupid mistake by someone who doesn't seem particularly bright.  I'm not sure I want to imagine what will happen to this state if, oh, I don't know, the Hogs DON'T WIN ELEVEN GAME AND GO TO THE BCS.  Shit will be burned to the ground, meth trailers will explode and the state will physically slide under Louisiana and fall into the Gulf of Mexico.  You do not want to be in Arkansas in late November.

Ohio State reveals one of the reasons for their string of BCS failures
One of Friday's practices was canceled due to heat and humidity.  Records show that the high reached on Friday the 13th was 93.5 and humidity that morning ranged from the upper 90s to mid 60s.  That's what I like to call fine July and August weather (if we're lucky).  And we in the South don't run from our weather.  We attack it and if we live to tell the tale, we can forever recall the time we sat in an oven for three and a half hours starting at 11:30 AM to watch Ole Miss and Tulane play in 2000 and survived even though many around us probably died of a heat stroke later that night.

Tennessee decides it's less embarrassing to buy its way out of a North Carolina series than to lose twice to North Carolina
I think this gives us a pretty accurate assessment of where Tennessee thinks its football program is.  A less successful version of Clemson has caused them to change their schedule and come up with buyout money.  So should we pencil them in for five wins or four in 2011?  Three?  Okay, make it three.

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