Thursday, July 01, 2010

Okay, Seriously, I'm Gonna Find the Gear That Gets This Thing in Regular Posting Mode

My most sincere apologies for the lack of posting in this space. I offer no excuses, but I'm open to suggestions that are better than the one I was going to write, which involved mostly lies and delusional fantasies. Anyhow, to quench your thirst for recycled news stories, let's pound out a recap of the past couple of days.

A brief and marginally educated preview of the World Cup quarterfinals
Netherlands vs. Brazil
The first of two quarterfinal games that in just about any other World Cup could have been a final (the other being Germany vs. Argentina). In past years, these teams would have played with a defense-be-damned style and treated us to a Texas Tech/Houston-like matchup. Instead, both teams have decided to dial things down and, you know, play defense that isn't hemorrhaging open space and shots. BORING. If I have no interest in who wins, I want to see maximum entertainment for 90 minutes, as does America. And even though soccer is enjoyed and revered by 5.7 billion people for the way it is now, it's the 300 million in America that are clearly more important than anyone else. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

/hangs head in shame when remembering the Ghana debacle

Uruguay vs. Ghana
If the U.S. team had taken care of business, everyone in America would have essentially had Friday afternoon off. It's the Fourth of July weekend, and even though most people have Monday off, no one would be interested in doing work on Friday afternoon.  The media buildup would have been tremendous, fan interest would have been at an all-time high and every office across the county would have shut down to watch the game. Then if we had actually won, it's three straight days of soccer celebration mixed in with a birthday party for the country. It would have been the greatest Fourth of July weekend ever. Damn you, Ghana for having soccer talent. I hope Uruguay wins 116-0.

Argentina vs. Germany
Our second quarterfinal that could be a final. This one is tough for me. On one hand, I hate Germany. On the other, they are extremely entertaining to watch, so in that sense it would be a shame to not be able to watch them anymore. But then there's the whole two World Wars thing. And the Holocaust. And of course this:

A German defender using his hand to keep the tying goal from going in during our game against them in the 2002 World Cup quarterfinals. So you know what? Screw those guys. Plus, how could I ever cheer against Diego Maradona being in my life? That short little man has brought me great joy over the past few weeks. SO DON'T SCREW THIS UP NOW, DIEGO.

Paraguay vs. Spain
A game that rivals Uruguay/Ghana for least compelling matchup of importance I can remember without consulting Google. Other than watching David Villa in this game, I can offer you no reason to sit through this one. Although it is on early Saturday afternoon when nothing else is on, and no American play-by-play announcers are involved, which is always a positive.

Georgia's athletic director got really, really, really dranked Wednesday night
At least they didn't take a mugshot of him lying on the floor:

So while he couldn't keep his eyes open, he was able to stand (or be propped up) for the four seconds it took to snap one of the most amazing mugshots of someone not named Nick Nolte. Also, his salary was supposed to be raised starting today, and he was in the car with a female that was not his wife (she was also arrested). BUT WHAT ABOUT GEORGIA'S STARTING QUARTERBACK SITUATION?

Let's take a brief timeout to remember how awesome Steve Tanneyhill's mullet was

Tommy Tuberville, like the rest of America, thinks the Big 12 is stupid
The orator of the famous "pine box" speech pointed out what everyone outside the Big 12 said a few weeks ago when it was given a stay of execution. On a radio show, he said:

"I don't think this conference will last long because there is too much disparity between all the teams. In the SEC, for instance, Vanderbilt makes as much money in the television contract as Florida. Everybody is good with it. Everybody is on the same page. Everyone gets the same votes. That doesn't happen here in the Big 12. We have some teams that get a little bit more money and have a little bit more stroke than some of the other teams. And when that happens, you're gonna have teams looking for better avenues to leave and reasons to leave."

Now that Tuberville is 55 years old and realizes that he voluntarily lives in Lubbock, Texas, he has removed what little filter he did have between his brain and mouth. And I couldn't be more excited. The man enjoys hearing himself speak and even before now had not been afraid to be somewhat of an agitator and shit-stirrer, but now that the deck is stacked heavily against him, I fully expect him to find 12 on his shoot-from-the-hip dial.  And I see him becoming best of friends with commissioner Dan Beebe.

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