Sources very close to other sources have confirmed that tonight's airing of The Decision, the 1-hour "where will LeBron James sign" show, on ESPN will absolutely shatter all previous records of bending over backwards and puckering up for a network, reporters and personalities. ESPN has announced that Stuart Scott, Mike Wilbon and Jon Barry will host the show and provide analysis with lots of "you did what was best for you" supporting lines. All three men have spent most of the day diligently preparing and we've got some inside information on their preparation.
Reports indicate that host Stuart Scott has been locked away in a spa for the past 10 hours, relaxing and doing something with his eyes before the show, as well as practicing a new handshake/hug/fist bump routine that could only be described by the source's source as "the Magnum of handshake/hug routines."
Reporter/TV-person-more-than-reporter-writer Mike Wilbon was seen in New York earlier today shopping for a new suit, complete with dress shirt that has no visible top button. He too will later visit a day spa to ensure his head is extra shiny, as he was told LeBron loves shiny things. We're also told that Wilbon hasn't been this excited since he realized he no longer has to write anything for The Washington Post.
Jon Barry has reportedly visited every lottery ticket-selling gas station in a five-state area since finding out he would be involved in this show. He also has plans for an extra shiny head and has some questions that only a former player could ask a current player. The source's source could only confirm one question, which will be "You made a tough choice tonight." Although not an actual question, we're told Barry feels like it will get LeBron talking.
Most upset by the show's airing (other than 95% of America; nice job LeBron PR people), is former reporter/personality Ahmad Rashad. His ass-kissing of Michael Jordan was thought to be the single most unbreakable record in sports. Even college football commentators in love with Urban Meyer still marvel at his performance. And John Madden, when trying to do the same for Brett Favre, eventually retired, citing the record as "impossible to touch, and I tried for 16 years." When asked for his thoughts on the impending loss of his record, Rashad could not be reached for comment, but his publicist said that he would be spending time with his family tonight.