Starting Tuesday morning, the spring series of SEC meetings will get underway (this is not to be confused with the other 12-ish times the conference finds a reason to go to Destin) and it promises to be four riveting days of back-slapping, smiles, fake smiles and general tolerance while listening to everyone reaffirm their beliefs on just how awesome the Southeastern Conference is. And during this brutal stretch of nothingness from now until September, you better believe I'll be milking this for content around here. Do you know what I was going to write about before I remembered these meetings? NOTHING. So while I mock them, I give thanks for them.
Here's a rough outline of the itinerary over the four days:
TUESDAY, DAY ONE
Opening remarks from Commissioner Slive. Topics expected to be covered:
-Expansion: Including the word "trillion" in regular discussions of SEC finances.
-Basketball: A few sentences to make the middle child of SEC sports feel better about itself.
-Commendation for coaches' conduct: Ten minutes besmirching Lane Kiffin and joint laughter at the impending NCAA sanctions against USC.
Break for lunch provided by Don Panchos (or Ponchos, still not sure which is right).
Athletic Director meetings on getting more high school athletes into college now that the NCAA has banned BYU's online courses, which helped many an athlete go from junior college material to Division-I-qualified in about 14 minutes.
Coaches' Chicken Fighting Championship
-Last year's champions, Lane Kiffin and Rich Brooks, will be replaced by Joker Phillips and Derek Dooley.
WEDNESDAY, DAY TWO
Commissioner Slive discusses football scheduling, including Alabama's complaint that six of its opponents will come off bye weeks before facing the Crimson Tide. His remarks are expected to reveal that this is merely a test to see how good of a coach Nick Saban is.
Break for lunch provided by Golden Flake
Alabama athletic director Mal Moore will hold a forum on writing checks to solve problems. Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone will hold a similar forum, but his will involve not writing checks to create problems.
Talent Show - back by popular demand, Bobby Petrino has a new sleight of hand routine, which will be the feature event.
THURSDAY, DAY THREE
Commissioner Slive will discuss basketball scheduling and seeding for the SEC Tournament. When everyone loses interest in about three minutes, the back-up discussion will be how much more interesting baseball was at this year's tournament in Hoover with the introduction of the pitch clock. This session is expected to last seven minutes.
Break for lunch provided by Bryan Foods
Four-man golf scramble. There will be a reminder that emphasizes less cheating than last year's event. The record score of 32-under will be formally stricken from the record book, and Trooper Taylor, Melvin Smith, Rodney Garner and Mike Hamilton will have their names removed from the trophy. Also, Steve Spurrier will be reminded he is not allowed to play alone.
Free time. Cautionary tale of Mike Price will be told to all before everyone departs for the evening.
FRIDAY, DAY FOUR
Closing remarks from Commissioner Slive. This will be a 15-minute period in which all cackle maniacally at Jim Delaney's attempt to make the Big Ten a better conference than the SEC.
Break for lunch provided by Jimmy Dean
All coaches, media and administrators will be reminded that Commissioner Slive would greatly appreciate their cooperation in allowing Ubran Meyer's plane to leave first. If not allowed to leave first, Meyer will throw a hissy fit and barrage the commissioner's office with angry phone calls for at least the next two weeks.