A Letter From Jim Delany to Big Ten Members

Dearest Underlings,

By now you are no doubt rejoicing at the near-perfect completion of phase one of Operation Money Coming Out of Our Pants. We got the school we wanted and had a few laughs along the way. A round of thanks to all of you for helping me make this possible.  But mostly thanks to me. Although, I would be remiss if I didn't point out a few outstanding performances in this process. Stanley (Nebraska, that's Stanley Ikenberry at Illinois), your delivery of the "I can envision a Big Ten with the Missouri Tigers" line in our "conference call" with them was Oscar worthy. If only those poor bastards could have seen your double middle finger salute at the phone. I'm just glad we hung up before you said, "Here's your invitation" and did that weird trick you can do with your testicles. But seriously, Missouri in the Big Ten? Some jokes will never get old.

And I can't leave out Graham Spanier (Nebraska, he's at Penn State). Your subtle message to Notre Dame as to what will happen to them if they don't join the Big Ten was a touch of genius. I'm not even going to ask how you have everyone believing it was a lightning strike. Outstanding work, sir.

Now, we all know phase two is set to commence once I make a well-timed phone call to my colleague and general sucker, Dan Beebe of the Big 12. Generally, I'd make some small talk and eventually (and unknowingly to him) bleed the information I want out of him, but this time I'm just going to ask him to fax me all the information concerning finances and the deepest, darkest secrets of his league. I imagine Dan's head has swollen to ten times its normal size with the job he thinks he's done, so it won't be hard this time. Well, it's not like it was hard last time. He's a sweet kid, but I have no time for sweetness. Only for destruction of all things not-Big Ten.

Given the fragile state of the Big 12 and the schools' new found hate for one another, this baby should be ready to burst into flames before August gets here. And then we strike. If you've never been to Austin, College Station or Norman, make your plans to be there by 2012. Hell, we may even play the same joke on Missouri again. I don't know what it is about them that makes it so much fun. Until that time, enjoy the spoils of our victory and dreams of dominance to come.

I am and remain your leader and fearless overlord,

Jim Delany