Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Get to Know Your SEC Football Players

It's Wednesday, which means it's time to get to know a little bit more (or just anything at all) about one of the Southeastern Conference's football players. Now when this player succeeds, massively fails or is shown milling around in the background of a TV shot, you'll know that his greatest off-the-field accomplishment involves the sale and transportation of hobos. Or something like that.

The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting and using whatever number is spat out from its random-creating machine.

Today's number: 71
Today's team: Alabama

Some background information: For the love of all things decent and right, it is possible to not get a walk-on or permanent fixture on the bench for this feature? By my count, and it involves my memory which can barely remember what I did eight minutes ago, we've had three guys that will contribute to their respective teams next year and everyone else has been of the never-gonna-play variety. And this week that below-averageness continues with Allen.

It should be noted that Allen attended high school at Tuscaloosa County, which was the same high school that defeated Hoover High School in a regular season game during the filming of the greatest show MTV has ever produced, or more simply known as Two-A-Days. If you have forgotten, that was the episode in which Ross Wilson got himself obliterated right in front of the Hoover bench on a pass attempt. After coach Rush Propst claimed that the hit was the hardest hit in which he's ever heard a head hit the ground, he sent the younger Wilson (with silver dollar-sized pupils) back into the game to take more of a beating and throw more bad passes. Hoover lost and John Parker's brother spent the next day throwing up.

Greatest on-field accomplishment: Has not occurred.

Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: Perhaps he was in the crowd during the Two-A-Days filming or even on the sidelines.

Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: I shall assume he's walked the straight and narrow because I know of no tales of ill repute out of Tuscaloosa County.

Strengths: Choosing to walk-on at a place like Alabama.

Weaknesses: Lack of Division-I athletic talent.

What to expect in 2010: If the camera is not on the sideline, you probably won't see Allen. Unless Alabama suffers multiple injuries on the unit that apparently never commits holding penalties, Allen will never see the field. And if all of those injuries do happen, I'm sure Saban and company will turn him into an All-SEC lineman in a matter of two quarters. Sons of bitches.

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