Tuesday, June 08, 2010

If Expansion Became a Sports Epidemic

As of this writing, the Pac-10 and Big Ten are still holding the college football world hostage with their respective plans for conference expansion (what a bunch of attention whores). Speculation as to what will happen ranges from a conference made up of only Michigan and Ohio State in which they play 12 times a year and is televised on ABC, ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN3 and on ESPN Deportes on a 24-hour loop, to something as boring as Notre Dame finally joining the Big Ten (BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE RIVALRIES WITH ARMY (37-8-4 all-time) AND NAVY (71-11-1)!?!). Personally, I think we'll only see the addition of Notre Dame to the Big Ten. Texas and the other Big 12 schools will use their invites as leverage to get the Big 12's ass in gear and get a TV deal done that gets them truckloads of cold, hard cash. They don't give two shits about playing a bunch of hippies, they just want money and if the Big 12 can promise it, they'll stay put. (By the way, if you haven't read Dan Wetzel's piece on the assholes, one of the sneaky variety and the other of the dumb variety, that run the Big Ten and the Big 12, do it now.)

Anyway, the expansion talk got me thinking about the possibility of this disease spreading to professional sports conferences and divisions. Yes, I know this could never happen thanks to rules and other stuff I don't want to look up, but whatever, I can only offer an Andy Bernard-like opinion on expansion, "This is good." Or, "This is bad," and as much as I love to yammer on about things I am not qualified to yammer on about, I shall pass that opportunity. Plus, the commissioners' offices would immediately react and put down such silly talk, unlike the NCAA, who, as of this morning, has literally said nothing about expansion. Nothing like, "Hey, not so sure about this. Maybe we should sit down and talk." Or, "Wow, we really are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things." Nice job, guys.

So, in order to pass the time until college football stays the same or becomes the NFL2, let's take a look at some major professional sports expansion scenarios.

-The New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox leave the American League East to form what they call "The Only Division in Baseball That Will Ever Matter Because Our Fans Care So Much More About Our Teams Than Yours Do About Yours. In Fact, We're Pretty Sure Baseball And Sports Only Exist In New York And Boston." A little long, yes, but very descriptive. After leaving, the teams sign an agreement to play each other 162 times a season and every game will be televised on all ESPN platforms with a guaranteed lead-in on SportsCenter every night of the year.

-The Houston Astros and Kansas City Royals leave MLB all together and join the Texas League where competition promises to be more on their levels.

-The Chicago Cubs and St. Louis Cardinals form their own league and play each game in the middle...ah, nobody cares.

-The Seattle Mariners and San Diego Padres are asked to join the NHL by commissioner Gary Bettman in an effort to expand TV markets. San Diego will decline, but Seattle agrees before quitting 11 games into the season due to a complete lack of understanding of the rules.

-All other teams agree to fold when it is universally agreed upon that football should be played nearly year-round and everyone would rather put their resources into it and not baseball.

-The Patriots form their own division, playing no one, but still garnering a respect for what a well-run organization they are.

-The Giants, Eagles, Redskins, Packers, Vikings, Cowboys, Jets, Steelers and Bears borrow a soccer term and form what it known as the "Group of Death." In these contests, the teams don't actually play, but rather, its fans fight one another in Roman gladiator-fashion in the parking lots of the stadiums. The team's fans with the most kills wins. Also, all participants are required to be raging drunk.

-The Raiders fall into the Pacific Ocean.

-The Chargers, Chiefs, Colts, Saints, Cardinals and Seahawks create the "Nancy-Boy Passing League" in which everyone is forbidden to run the ball. Ron Jaworski cries both tears of joy and sadness upon hearing the news.

-Cleveland fans, fresh off the loss of LeBron James and denial for entry into the Group of Death, attack and burn their stadium to the ground, effectively ending professional sports in the Mistake by the Lake.

-David Stern squashes any actions that might disrupt his league like the Russians crushed the Hungarian Revolution in 1956. He even uses the same tanks.

-We all know that the NHL is not a major professional sport.


  1. Alex Watlington1:26 PM

    This was just beautiful, and reminds me why I can never live in Chicago:
    1) I hate Notre Dame
    2) I hate the Cubs
    3) I really hate Notre Dame and the Cubs

  2. NOOOO! the royals cant leave the MLB! perry sanchez will be so so so disappointed! and i for one cant deal with that level of anger and aggression!