Friday, June 25, 2010

The Month of June is a Freight Train Straight Out of Hell*

*Apologies to the great Chazz Michael Michaels for altering (and stealing) his line.

Given the 25-foot-tall tidal wave of activity fire produced by June, it's time we check in on the 2010 Texas Pete Hot Sauce Most Exciting Month Power Rankings. While we haven't reached six of the months listed, we already know how awesome those are going to be because football is indeed just that awesome. Here's our latest scoreboard, complete with June's dramatic three-spot jump from the last rankings:

1. September
2. October
3. November
4. December
5. January
6. June
7. March
8. August
9. April
10. May
11. February
12. July

You could probably award a three-way tie for first, but I give the nod to September because of the excitement surrounding the start of college football. Just thinking about that first Saturday brings a rush of joy sweeping through my entire body. Sort of like when you are just about to plow through nine dollars worth of Chick-fil-a. Except a million times better. Of course, there's still some jostling to take place, most notably from July (thanks to the World Cup), and if the last week of June produces hundreds of F5 tornadoes of fiery activity, it too could make another move.

Other than the college football expansion talk, which gripped the country like the Elian Gonzalez story, only this one was actually interesting, what justifies giving June such a big bump?

The World Cup alone
Aside from how fantastic the event is (world coming together blah blah blah), this year's Cup has brought many great moments but only a handful that I found spectacular:

1. I have something to watch everyday at 9:30 and 1:30 at work. That's right, AT WORK. YOU'RE DAMN STRAIGHT I WATCH AND HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT DOCUMENT ON STANDBY TO MAXIMIZE AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE TO COVER UP THAT ESPN3 WINDOW. Actually, no one cares whether or not I watch, as long as I get my very important responsibilities done, which is the way business should run.
/finds desk cleaned out on Monday

2. France and Italy are FINISHED. DEAD AND IN THE GROUND. When France imploded last weekend and was finally taken out back and shot earlier this week, I thought life couldn't get much better. Then today happened. Italy, trailing Slovakia 2-0, got within a goal with very little time remaining, then scored a goal to tie but it was waived off due to an offsides penalty. A moment please....ahem....HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wait....haHA. Okay, done. The Italians eventually lost 3-2, but the rest of the world won 1,000,0000 to 0.

3. I am not a big professional sports fan. I follow it closely, but, other than the Braves, do not follow one team. I have a handful of teams I enjoy watching and will pull for, but mostly I have a large collection of teams that I hate (I know, it's hard to believe). So most all of my emotions concerning a sports team are stirred for good or for bad (95% bad) by Ole Miss. But on Wednesday, the United States game against Algeria was as close as I've come to throwing up while watching any game. Chance after chance went by and I got the feeling I usually get when I watch Ole Miss, which is blowing this many opportunities will bite us in the ass. And it nearly did until Landon Donovan saved the day and sent us (oh yes, US) into the next round.

Just how big of a moment was it? I was watching it at work with three people who didn't care at all about soccer, yet when he scored we all jumped up and started high-fiving one another. And it was that way all across the country. People packed into bars or public places (a special kudos to those people on the West Coast who were up and drinking at 7:30 in the morning) going absolutely bananas over a goal scored by a guy 80% of the country wouldn't recognize if he walked into their houses. Last night I probably spent 30 minutes watching YouTube videos of such celebrations and I gotta say, it came close to getting a little dusty in the house.

My favorite:

A massive compilation:

And a whole page devoted to them.

And some other crap has happened
Something about the longest tennis match that will ever happen. Isner/Mahut played for 11 hours over three days until the Frenchman finally buckled under the pressure (HAHAHA...ANOTHER LOSS FOR FRANCE). I also watched that at work. Also, the College World Series is going on, and as an Ole Miss fan I'm a little unsure of what that is. I only know that college baseball is terrible to watch if you have no rooting interest, and because these games take so long, they end up preempting ESPN's World Cup Primetime, which gives me the condensed versions of the games I already watched but absolutely need to watch again.

So there it is, the case for June's jump in the power rankings. But it's not done yet. Let me go ahead and say that if we beat Ghana on Saturday, June will have a temporary hold atop the standings, especially if I throw up in the process.

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