Monday, May 03, 2010

What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

Lane Kiffin and Ed Orgeron recant, claiming all previous behavior was "silly" and "ostentatious."
Perhaps they would have if by doing so they could have landed a defensive lineman from Beaumont with alligator quickness and a streak of nasty that only a former defensive lineman from Lafourche Parish could understand. However, the not-so-dynamic duo was up at 3 AM PDT swilling Red Bull and eating donuts (local convenience store was out of pork rinds) while preparing to be the first coaches junior recruits would hear from during the NCAA's spring recruiting evaluation period. While you have to admire someone for that type of dedication and aggressiveness, you do not have to admire the idea of waking a teenager up at 6 AM. Do you remember your mornings in high school? You maximized your sleeping to the point that you could successfully shower, dress and eat breakfast in eight and a half minutes before flying into the school parking lot on two wheels 30 seconds before first period. I even cut out the breakfast part just to cram in a few extra minutes of not being conscious. So if someone called me at 6 AM to tell me anything other than school was canceled for that day, they would find their names in giant block letters on my imaginary shit list. You never disturb a teenager's sleep, especially not to tell them that IT'S A GREAT DAY TO BE A SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN!!! WE COMPETIN' AND GONNA KEEP COMPETIN'!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO MAKE IT TO LOS ANGELES!!! GONNA WIN US SOME CHAMPIONSHIPS!!!

Also, the article mentions players referring to the Lane Kiffin era at USC as "businesslike, more serious." I believe businesslike is probably the appropriate word when describing a Lane Kiffin program, especially when that program is like Clown College.

T-Bob Hebert leaves his Lafourche Parish roots in Lafourche Parish.
The son of Bobby Hebert of Saints fame and subsequent Saints-killing frame was arrested over the weekend for driving drunk while leaving a campus event early Saturday morning. Les Miles was not in Baton Rouge over the weekend and will likely hand out some sort of punishment this week. I tried to find the video of the elder Hebert giving the one-fingered salute to no one in particular at a Saints game and claim that was his reaction to this news, but alas, the Internet has destroyed it...

Gene Chizik will be allowed to use an even longer and more rednecky limo for recruiting purposes.
Last year we had the "Houston Nutt Rule," which forbade SEC schools from signing entire counties of football players, now this year we now have the Gene Chizik Rule. Although not an SEC rule, this one was created by the NCAA, the Chizik rule prevents schools from sending more than two coaches to a recruit's school on the same day. Luckily for Auburn, the NCAA did not classify Trooper Taylor's towel as an assistant (but surprisingly the state of Alabama did recognize the towel as a dependent on Taylor's income tax return). I find it a little curious the NCAA did not call towel a member of Gene Chizik's staff. Behold, evidence of coaching:

Here the towel is assisting Taylor in encouraging and demanding more emotion out of Auburn players. This is an area in which the towel really excels.

Even the towel gets frustrated with failure and leaves Taylor on his own. But he never stops scheming while resting comfortably in the front of Taylor's pants.

The towel has a long track record of coaching in the SEC. From its Tennessee days, it celebrates a successful play by giving Taylor a few extra inches on the vertical leap.

Gray's soul remains mostly intact.
The world truly is a dark place. The unrelenting march of time claims another victim. That's right, the last remaining Tecmo Bowl player has retired. Jeff Feagles, who never could live up to his 85-yard punts in the video game, called it a career on Friday. As one who played roughly 43,294 seasons of the Tecmo Super Bowl edition, I never thought this day would come. SURELY STEVE DEBERG HAS A LITTLE MORE MAGIC IN HIS ARM. GET IN THE GYM, STEVE.  I NEED THIS.  I have never felt so old in my life.

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