Monday, May 17, 2010

It Was the Most Boring Weekend EVER

It was a weekend so boring that I decided to scrap the usual "What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend" recap as not to sully its good name. So in order to fill the void in this speck of the Internet, as well as provide you with a solid four minutes of reading and not working time, I'm going to throw it all the way over to Birmingham, Alabama and the Texas Pete Sports Desk with Dave Neal (I've decided that Texas Pete should sponsor everything in this space. I've never tried it, but if it was good enough for the low-budget, not-so-giant Jefferson Pilot/Lincoln Financial/Raycom sports potpourri, it's good enough for the low-budget, highly unorganized Belly of the Beast.).

ANNCR: Live, from an abandoned upholstery store in a strip mall in Homewood, it's the Texas Pete Sports Desk with Dave Neal!

(synthesized guitar riff wails for 20 seconds too long)


Dave Neal: Hello fans, this is the Texas Pete Sports Desk and I'm your host, Dave Neal. We've got a lot to cover (ed: not true) so we're going to jump right in to the news of the weekend. Don't know if you heard about this, but a full slate of SEC baseball games took place this weekend and, as always in the Southeastern Conference, the action was intense and down to the wire. So let's take a look at some highlights of the weekend's action. First, let's to to Tuscaloo....wait, I'm being told we have no highlights. From there or just anywhere? Okay, no highlights anywhere. What about scores? Any graphics? Nothing? Oh. Well folks, it appears we blew our budget on that intro guitar riff that I know you loved so much. Just know that some baseball games were played, some teams won, while others lost.

Outside the Southeastern Conference, there were plenty of exciting stories out there (ed: again, not true). The one we all talked about around here was the LeBron James to Chicago rumor that involves Kentucky coach John Calipari. If you haven't heard, sources across the NBA have mentioned that LeBron will leave Cleveland this summer and sign with the Chicago Bulls and Calipari will be named the Bulls' coach for next season. Talk about wild, these are two of the most powerful men in their professions. Teaming them up? Chicago fans could be in for a real treat. To get some perspective on this, let's bring in my old partner and a passionate fan of sports, Mr. Dave Rowe. Partner, great to see you and you look great.

Dave Rowe: Haha! And partner, I gotta tell you, I feel great. Great to be back in sports.

Dave Neal: So partner, what's your take on the whole LeBron situation? And is this Chicago rumor legitimate? I mean, can you imagine the fun they'd be having in Chicago if Coach Cal and LeBron are lighting up the scoreboard there? Michael who?

Dave Rowe: Haha! Boy, you better believe that would be something to watch! Those two guys know how to win. And Dave, the best way to get a handle on this whole situation is to put yourself in both of their shoes. If you're LeBron, you want to win games. If you're Coach Cal, you want to win games. And if you've got two guys who want to win games, it's going to be a successful combination. That's a lot of wanting to win and skill in one place for good things not to happen. I think you're going to see a lot of winning and great basketball in Chicago next year.

Dave Neal: As always, good stuff from our own Dave Rowe. Look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Dave Rowe: (Stares blankly into the camera for 10 seconds, sort of like the picture above, not realizing that's his cue to sign off.)

Dave Neal: Well fans, we've got another interesting story coming to you out of Europe where they play football, but it's with their feet. But I gotta tell you, that doesn't take away from the competition. If you haven't heard, German team captain Michael Ballack tore some ligaments in his right ankle and will miss the World Cup. This is some tough news to take if you're a German fan and if you're a fan of competition. For the latest news, let's go now to our Buzz Baker who is on the ground in Frankfurt...correction, that's Frankfort in Kentucky not Germany.

Buzz, what brings you to the Kentucky state capital? And how is Michael Ballack?

Buzz Baker: Hey Dave, had some administrative issues to sort out here, plus I like to drop in from time to time and see our government at work. You ever take in a session at the capital building?

Dave Neal: Can't say that I have, Buzz.

Buzz Baker: Really interesting stuff going on here. I just saw a heated debate on water table maintenance in Clark County.  Really enjoyed that. But anyway, enough of my love for state government.   Let's get to the Michael Ballack story. He tore some ligaments in his ankle and will miss the World Cup in South Africa. Tough loss for Germany. Back to you, Dave.

Dave Neal: Thanks so much, Buzz. As usual, good stuff from Buzz Baker. Well folks, we've only got about two minutes left on our pirated electricity, so now is as good of a time as any to sign off. I hope you enjoy your week and we'll see you here next time at the Texas Pete Sports Desk. For Dave Rowe and Buzz Baker, I'm Dave Neal. So long.

(10 seconds of synthesized guitar riff before lights go off)

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