Monday, May 10, 2010

What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

Lots of bold, fresh and exciting events took place at an alarmingly fast pace.
When you see the sparse and terribly uninteresting collection of stories below, you will be reminded of one of the most boring weekends in recent memory.  This weekend was a major black mark for the month of May in the Texas Pete Hot Sauce Most Exciting Month Power Rankings, which I believe has never been shown here before.  And although Texas Pete Hot Sauce is unaware of their sponsorship of this ridiculously long-named and generally stupid rankings, I felt like they could use some publicity since the SEC put them on the same bus with Jefferson Pilot/Lincoln Financial.  I know they are thrilled.

Texas Pete Hot Sauce Most Exciting Month Power Rankings

1. September
2. October
3. November
4. December
5. January
6. March
7. April
8. August
9. June
10. May
11. February
12. July

A tough call for dead last, while July has nothing but baseball going on, it's at least warm (although usually horribly warm) and the Fourth of July, which can be a good time if properly planned. February has college basketball, signing day for college football and the Super Bowl, but it's also freezing and post-football depression explodes in full force. But given all the nonsense that happened in our last February, the shortest month of the year gets the nod for 11th place.

Bobby Petrino sells house in Fayetteville; agrees to a six-year deal with the Mogadishu Talons of the Gulf of Aden Mercenary League.
Now that could never happen. Petrino has no use for tourists or crates of sheet metal bound for Poland. And that's what he'd get because there's no way those pirates are giving up any of their ransom collections. He operates on dollar bills. Although I'm probably underestimating the black market value of a pair of deckhands from the Ukraine.

He did however put his house of the market in Fayetteville, which was immediately followed by wild speculation (the kind best created by the Internet) that he might be on his way out at Arkansas. In truth (BORING), he and Mrs. Petrino already own another house in Atlanta and were looking to downsize. So if you own a home in the 3,000 to 4,000 square foot range in the Fayetteville area, you may need to get your kids' toys "OFF MY DAMN LAWN!!!"

Jacksonville content to wallow in the stink of the ACC Championship game.
The city famous for hosting a conference championship game that looked like this

is interested in hosting a neutral-site game with Alabama and a sacrificial lamb. They join Dallas and Atlanta as cities that would like to bring in 76 billion dollars in local revenue when the Alabama masses spend 72 hours consuming everything in their paths. A big payoff in exchange for massive traffic jams, 3 hour waits at restaurants (and not just at Chili's) and thousands of cases of loitering.

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