Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Get to Know Your SEC Football Players

It's Wednesday (actually, it's not even Wednesday, but since I haven't posted a damn thing in a week I say today is Wednesday for the purposes of this post), which means it's time to get to know a little bit more (or just anything at all) about one of the Southeastern Conference's football players. Now when this player succeeds, massively fails or is shown milling around in the background of a TV shot, you'll know that his greatest off-the-field accomplishment involves the sale and transportation of hobos. Or something like that.

The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting www.random.org and using whatever number is spat out from its random-creating machine.

Today's number:  30
Today's team: Auburn

Some background information: That's right, not only does Auburn have two players wearing number 30, but both never play or have played period.  In fact, let's drink in the all the zeros:

To be fair, I did find this blurb about Dorian Rhodes:  "Rhodes had 60 tackles, one forced fumble and one pass breakup during his junior season (2007).  Coach says of Rhodes "Quick, nose for the ball, good tackler."

Good to know, the man they simply call Coach.

Greatest on-field accomplishment: Has not and probably will not occur.

Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: Enrolling in college.

Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: An eleven-second Google search yielded nothing. Let's assume they're on the side of straight and narrow.

Strengths: Attending practice.

Weaknesses: Division I athletic talent. According to an Auburn blog I found, I found nothing good on either player. Both were listed in the dreaded "others" section (behind projected starters and reserves) and were not mentioned in potentially having any impact on next season (I would give you the link, but I accidentally closed the window and recovering it, while super easy in Firefox, takes too much effort).

What to expect in 2010: More importantly, what am I going to do without Lost? The show, while incredibly frustrating at times, gave me six seasons of quality entertainment and something to do one night a week for months at a time. And in this day of crappy television dominating just about every channel and time slot, that's as good of a run as you can ask for.

Hell, I even loved the ending. I already miss the show so damn much. I miss its laugh. Its musk. Maybe when the box set comes out we'll get an apartment together. Until that day arrives, I'll have to hope and pray that Fox comes out with a show this summer that involves animals attacking, the police (not the band, although that would be interesting), competitive eating and celebrities and their model train collections. And I'd need that hosted by former Supermarket Sweep host David Ruprecht, a consummate professional.


  1. Anonymous1:35 AM

    Gray, what do you think the Rebels record is going to be this season? I'm saying 6-6 with a real shot at 5-7, I think our passing attack (actually, lack thereof) will remind viewers of the Robert Lane/Mike Spurlock/Ethan Flatt era. Also, I wouldn't be shocked if the Wild Rebel is installed as our base offense.

  2. My football-assessing engines are shut down until August (this is for my physical and mental survival) so I cannot offer a well-research and subsequently absurd opinion at this point, but after a quick glance at our schedule, I'd say our ceiling for wins is eight and the acceptable floor is five.