Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Ole Miss at Kentucky: Live and Uncensored

We're a few minutes before tip-off and I just read that Jevan Snead has been invited to the NFL Combine. Is this a good or bad omen for tonight's game? I'll go with anything involving him is a bad omen. And I hope he doesn't fly into the wrong city later this month.

Perhaps John Wall will still be pouting over Calipari getting on his case in the last two weeks. And maybe DeMarcus Cousins got lost on his way to Rupp Arena or assaulted someone and is currently behind bars....dammit. Starting lineups indicate Cousins is not incarcerated or lost.

Our analyst tonight, Jimmy Dykes, is dressed like a funeral home director.

Outstanding start. 7-0 Kentucky two minutes in. Cousins is on pace for 60 rebounds (3 so far) and we look as confident as Jevan Snead staring at a rotating zone defense.

First TV timeout sees the fouling factory, DeAundre Cranston with two fouls and the recipient of one shot blocked. He's on pace to foul out in 10 minutes. Kentucky has also lost interest in playing defense, which is our only hope for victory right now, and the Rebs have snuck back in it, 12-9.


After a charge, DeAngelo Riley is no longer in the game.

And the rout is on. 20-9 and Ole Miss calls timeout with 12:29 to go in the first half. Whatever the exact opposite of intimidating defense is, that's what we're playing.

The Rebels are staggering into TV timeout number two. It's now 24-9. As Cousin Eddie once said, I haven't seen a beating this bad since something to do with a monkey and a banana in someone's pants.

Someone tell Terrico White the game has actually started. We're 11 minutes in and waiting for a pulse. 29-18.

Cranston is back in and I'm not sure even Vegas would give odds for him seeing the five minute mark with only two fouls.

Kennedy prevents Cranston from his automatic third foul by taking him out. And in better news, DeAngelo Riley is wondering around the floor. If Kentucky were to strategically place pieces of tin foil around the court, it would easily become a five on four game, given Riley's tendency to be distracted by shiny objects. And the game of basketball. 36-23, 5:30 to go, and Cousins should have a double-double by halftime. And Jimmy Dykes is trying to hit 100 in number of times he says "the box."

The under four timeout and the Rebels, including Terrico White, have revived themselves, only down seven. By me typing this, Kentucky will most assuredly go on a 10-0 run to close the half. That and whatever nonsense David Kellum is saying on the radio about a late push before halftime.

Patrick Patterson is yet another black man who can pull off the wispy mustache. Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley and Carl Weathers to name a few others. My wispy mustache would result in all of my neighbors getting a flyer from a government agency warning them of my presence.

I recant my disparagement of DeAngelo Riley. Two big rebounds, a low post move for a score and a blocked shot. But he also just got foul number three.

Halftime. Great job to get it to three before wilting and entering half down nine (46-37). At least for the first half, total disaster has been avoided. And enough of this John Wall got his feelings hurt talk. It's called someone finally telling him his shit stinks just like everyone else's on God's green Earth. Welcome to reality, coddled superstar.

The most uninteresting way to spend halftime? A lecture on Michigan State's ability to set great screens. That's just great, but for one small detail, NO ONE OUTSIDE OF MICHIGAN GIVES A CRAP.

Let the record show that DeAundre Cranston just blocked DeMarcus Cousins. In a related story, continents are starting to fall into the world's oceans.

The Rebels are now operating on three wheels and the power steering has gone out. Down 15 and in danger of losing another wheel. Also, John Wall looks like he's having fun out there, which is what we're all very concerned with. Someone check him for woman parts.

Kentucky's laziness on defense is the Rebels' best friend right now. It's back down to nine. And Calipari is one more Cousins' jog back on defense from physically attacking him.

Two shockers at the under 16 timeout: One, Cranston has yet to pick up his third foul, setting some sort of personal record. And two, he just hit a three to cut it to eight. Unfortunately, this will cause him to think he can actually shoot threes, which he cannot. Before that three, his last make was December 19th against Centenary. DON'T DO IT AGAIN, DEAUNDRE.

Ah, life with Cranston and Trevor Gaskins. Last two possessions: Missed three by Cranston (I told you he would shoot again) and a Gaskins turnover. Kentucky goes up by eight after the Rebels cut it to three.

Unless Kentucky starts missing threes, the Rebels have no chance. Too small inside and......HOLY BALLS. Cranston just took Cousins off the dribble, got fouled and made the shot, then naturally missed the free throw. And amazingly, the Rebels then create a turnover and Cranston plows over someone for a charge. Kentucky leads 71-61.

Back to staggering as we reach the under eight timeout. Kentucky is up 12, but can pretty much do what they want on offense now. Solid effort though by Ole Miss, especially Terrico White who finally woke up earlier and starting playing to his potential, 19 points and seven rebounds.

Kennedy needs to tell Eniel Polynice that if he shoots one more three, he's going to eat his soul for his next meal.

With 2:52 to go, Ole Miss down 14, but more importantly, the Official DeAundre Cranston Foul Out Watch begins as he just picked up number four. And he also allowed Cousins to score on his foul. To be fair, and I'll have to check the stats after the game, Cranston may have set a personal record for most minutes played in a conference game this year.

Brad Nessler, you know doesn't give a shit if John Wall is happy? AMERICA. Don't act as if we should feel sorry for a guy who will be making millions of dollars in a few months (up from the thousands he makes now) just because his coach is on his ass. Tell us something we can use, like what kind of panties he wears.

He's done it. Cranston is done. Five spectacular fouls.

And it's finally over. Kentucky wins 85-75. Not many complaints about this loss, other than the John Wall pity party. We took some bad shots, made our usual stupid decisions, but played pretty well considering the deficit we faced down low. I can only hope Terrico White realizes that this is the game we need from him the rest of the way. And finally, a tip of the hat to DeAundre Cranston, who managed to play an entire half (20 total minutes) of basketball before fouling out.

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