Yesterday, the NCAA's Bureaucraticly-Named Rules Committee Taskforce Coalition Reform Alliance passed three rules changes for the 2011 season in an effort to smash chaos in college football in the face with an iron fist. Players will no longer be allowed to have personal messages written on their eye black (HOW DARE COLLEGE STUDENTS SHOW PERSONALITY. THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY'LL THINK THEY SHOULD GET A SLICE OF THE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS THEY GENERATE EVERY YEAR FOR THE NCAA. THE NERVE OF THESE YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS.) as made popular by Tim Tebow and Reggie Bush, wedge blocking on kickoffs will result in a 15-yard penalty and players flagged for taunting on their way into the endzone will cost their team a touchdown. Officials will now be required to penalize the offending team 15 yards from the spot of the foul and take away the touchdown instead of enforcing the penalty on the extra point or ensuing kickoff.
Luckily, players and coaches will have almost 17 months to prepare for these changes because no one could get them figured out in the five months between now and the start of the season. That would be asking a bit too much of men paid to coach football and play it (allegedly, of course). But, had additional rules been passed, the enforcement year might have been pushed back even further.
In case you didn't know, the NCAA asked coaches across the country to submit ideas for new rules to help control a game that is wildly out of hand and requires yearly updates filled with minutiae and whatever stamps out fun. While none of the coaches' submissions made it to the voting stage, they were recording for historical/ass-covering purposes. A small selection is listed below:
-Ed Orgeron requests that all coaches be allowed to sleep only 45 minutes a night during recruiting season. Other than being of the lunatic variety, we feel this rule would benefit only Mr. Orgeron as he does not need sleep to function, relying on an energy drink called Red Bull to fuel his daily activities. Therefore, no further action will be taken on this rule proposal.
-Nick Saban submits that all high school recruits be assigned a code rather than be called by their name (for example, recruit "John Smith" would be known as A4-3539). He argues that a code is more efficient and machine-like, which removes the need for personal touch and getting involved with another cog in the machine. Mr. Saban's idea is certainly interesting, but ultimately we feel that a coach should know his players' names (If Coach Bowden were still coaching, he would be exempt) so we move to take no further action on this proposal.
-Ron Zook wants to see his teams (Illinois and whatever school talks themselves into hiring him after the Illini fire him) be allowed to play with 16 players on the field on offense and defense and 37 on special teams. Mr. Zook desperately wants to keep his job and all future jobs and believes he is at a coaching disadvantage due to his inability to coach properly. We take no pity on him. DENIED.
-Les Miles seeks an additional eight timeouts added to a team's allotment of three, clock stoppages every seven seconds and a personal consultant by his side at all times to slowly and clearly explain his options (starting with the most logical and moving to least logical). Mr. Miles also submitted his request in crayon and there was an additional paragraph that was what we deemed to be nothing more than indecipherable jibberish. And there also appears to be a picture of a wolf at the bottom of the page. We feel it best to move on without further comment.
-Lane Kiffin asks that only beautiful people be allowed to participate in recruiting. Mr. Kiffin, still high on his recent success in Esquire magazine's "Sexiest Woman Alive" poll, believes that as a beautiful person he is giving recruits a true sense of being the most special person alive because if someone as beautiful as he is paying attention to them, they must be special. Not beautiful people tend to disorient the recruits. We wish Mr. Kiffin best of luck in the second round against Danica Patrick. When are these going to be over?
-Dan Mullen proposes what he calls the "Tyson Lee" rule. This would prevent coaches from playing quarterbacks with a height lower than 5'8"-ish in games. Mr. Mullen cites Lee's height as the determining factor in his incomplete pass on third and goal against LSU in 2009, which if completed would have most certainly given the Bulldogs the upset win and made them bowl eligible. Other ways to have beaten LSU included handing the ball off four straight times to your 240-pound running back who had run for 106 yards and two touchdowns. We recommend better decisions on the goal line and deny this request.
-Houston Nutt believes the forward pass should be eliminated from the college game. We believe Mr. Nutt is still shell-shocked from watching his pre-season Heisman Trophy candidate quarterback throw a mind-blowing 20 interceptions in a single college football season. And given that he has no experienced quarterback on his 2010 roster, he is most likely making a preemptive strike against all future disasters. We advise calling nothing but running plays and also strike this submission from any further consideration.