Friday, April 23, 2010

The Belly of the Beast and Kentrell Lockett Recap the 1st Round of the NFL Draft

I considered yammering on for close to 1,000 words about what many of us watched earlier tonight, but then I realized that would be a little pretentious of me. After all, there are something close to 600,000 NFL Draft recap pieces written or being written as I type this and other than disparagement and a few paragraphs on Chris Berman's suckitude, I have nothing more to offer. So, with that in mind, I enlisted the help of Ole Miss defensive end Kentrell Lockett to help me bring a unique angle to this recap. Most likely Kentrell will hear his name called next season, probably not in the first round, but I feel strongly that he will be drafted.

However, I do not actually know Kentrell nor did I get in touch with him to help me out here. Instead, I relied on his breakdown of the draft on his Twitter page, which is nothing short of spectacular. Let's get to the picks...

#1 Rams, Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
Gray: Call me crazy, but I don't remember Sam Bradford doing anything that really amazed me. Yes, he put up some crazy numbers in college but mainly against some of the craptastic defenses so readily available in the Big 12. His one game against a real defense (in the BCS title game against Florida) saw him go 26 of 41, 256 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs. Not bad, but not great. If I were able to wager on his success in the NFL (and I have nothing against him), I would not bet on him.

Kentrell: Looking for the closest krispy kreme in phili!!!
(Note: He had not started watching the draft yet. Nor do I know why he is in Philadelphia.)

#2 Lions, Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
Gray: The man almost single-handedly kept Texas out of the BCS title game this year and he plays DEFENSIVE TACKLE. Everyone (including fans and media) was ready to get an apartment with him for like a month after that game. Why was he not taken first again?

Kentrell: The damn vending machine prices are insane $1 for a small bag of chips $175 for a drink!! They tripping.

#3 Buccaneers, Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma
Gray: I seem to recall Mel Kiper thinking highly of him.

Kentrell: I'm gonna be on that draft stage a year from today!!!

#4 Redskins, Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma
Gray: Three of the top four picks and what bowl did the Sooners play in this year? Ah, yes, THE SUN BOWL. Granted, one of those didn't play most of the year, but Bob Stoops, that's a little embarrassing.

Kentrell: not ready for what Ima do when I get on that stage!!!

#5 Chiefs, Eric Berry, S, Tennessee
Gray: A strong to quite strong player. Although in all his awesomeness, he couldn't prevent this from happening:

Kentrell: stage better get ready cause me n my family going to have a revival on that stage!!!

#6 Seahawks, Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State
Gray: I remember watching him in the Cotton Bowl against Ole Miss and being mildly impressed. Or maybe very impressed. I forget which. Mainly because I was blinded with rage watching Jevan Snead shit away another game in which Ole Miss should easily win.

Kentrell: Joe Haden ears look like a brown ipad!!

#7 Browns, Joe Haden, CB, Florida
Gray: According to Urban Meyer's fake 40 times, he's the fastest man alive on the fastest team alive. Only he's not that fast with his 4.5-ish in the 40 at the combine. Regardless, he's very athletic and has a chance to be a good NFL corner.

Kentrell: Joe Hayden needs to kill them sideburns!!

#8 Raiders, Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama
Gray: Perhaps only Rolando came close to matching my man crush for Tim Tebow (Not to worry, I too am horribly annoyed at all the puff pieces put forth by middle-aged white sportswriters in search of a great white hope from which to cling, but the guy is a fantastic player.). The dude was a human wrecking ball and usually knew what opposing offenses were going to do before the offenses did. Watching him play in person was one of the highlights of the 2009 season for me and I hate Alabama.

Kentrell: Rolando Mcclain needs to kill his self for all them white girls around them!!

#9 Bills, C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson

Kentrell: Cj Spiller look like Macki Phifer!!

#10 Jaguars, Tyson Alualu, DT, California
Gray: Apparently stock in defensive tackles has never been higher. Three in the top 10.

Kentrell: I still can't get over Rolando Mcclain with all them damn #snowbunnies

#11 49ers, Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers
Gray: I can truthfully say I saw less than five minutes of Rutgers football in 2009.

Kentrell: I'm going have my draft party at the Library do when they announce my name we gonna take shots till we drop!!
(Note: I would pay top dollar to be there.)

#12 Chargers, Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State
Gray: I shall defer to Kentrell on this one.

Kentrell: Who the he'll is Ryan Mathews!!

#13 Eagles, Brandon Graham, OLB, Michigan
Gray: Other than the "Eagles Suck" chant that started right before this pick, Kentrell, anything interesting here?

Kentrell: Dwion Sanders must have sent up a special prayer for them straight ass teeth!!

#14 Seahawks, Earl Thomas, S, Texas
Gray: I feel like Kentrell is on fire right now so I'll go back to him.

Kentrell: I bet Michael Irvin could snort a whole butter finger through them cocaine abused nostirls!!!

#15 Giants, Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida
Gray: I would assume someone this athletic can succeed in the NFL.

Kentrell: Jason Pierre-Paul and Rudy Wilson must be brothers!!!

#16 Titans, Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech
Gray: Yet another freakishly athletic defensive end. I vaguely recall several Thursday night games (home of mediocre ACC football matchups) in which Morgan made me wonder just who the hell he was. I don't know what that means in terms of NFL ability, but he caught my attention in the 12 minutes I watched before becoming bored.

Kentrell: What the hell did that manin the Pittsburg jersey do to his moustache!!!

#17 49ers, Mike Iupati, OG, Idaho
Gray: I enjoyed his dad (maybe grandfather) wearing a burgundy blazer at the draft party at his house. Thought he nailed the occasion.

Kentrell: There is a homeless shelter right next to the hotel!! Scary!!!

#18 Steelers, Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida
Gray: Ignoring his physical capabilities, which are strong, I was mesmerized by the giant silver/diamond/gold medallion hanging from his neck when ESPN's cameras showed his draft party which very well could have been a rap video.

Kentrell: Man the pouncey twins gay!!
(Note: Considering he's played against them, Kentrell could have an expert opinion on this.)

#19 Falcons, Sean Witherspoon, OLB, Missouri
Gray: A defensive player from a bad Big 12 defense is an interesting choice. By interesting, I don't know what that means.

Kentrell: I wonder how many cleat chasers are watching the #NFLdraft waiting for their jumpoffs name to be called!!

#20 Texans, Kareem Jackson, CB, Alabama
Gray: I can always get behind one of the better players on one of the best (if not the best) defenses I've ever seen in person. I also thoroughly enjoyed the highlight of his interception against Ole Miss that happened right in front of me. I remember cursing and wishing I could never see Jevan Snead throw another pass.

Kentrell: They would show an highlight of a interception from Jevan ass!!!

#21 Bengals, Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma
Gray: I always thought he was a pretty solid tight end. Athletic and good hands. But on the downside he did all of his damage against Big 12 defenses, which as we all know STINK.

Kentrell: Waiting for anybody from #olemiss to be called!!
(Note: Keep waiting.)

#22 Broncos, Demaryius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech
Gray: Brandon Marshall's replacement that was a receiver in a flexbone offense and ran nothing but stop and go and jet routes. I haven't seen all the film (or maybe any), but did anyone ever see him inside the hash marks?

Kentrell: #random does anybody know where @MsLeiLo ass at!!!
(Note: Perhaps a shoutout to someone else on Twitter?)

#23 Packers, Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa
Gray: This guy looked like he's done nothing but lift tractors over his head since the age of eight. I'm pretty sure he could harvest an entire field of wheat by himself in less than 45 seconds.

Kentrell: They getting on this Bulaga guy head! No homo!!
(Note: ?)

#24 Cowboys, Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State
Gray: An interesting selection since it was a former Cowboy (Deion Sanders) that helped end Bryant's collegiate career.

Kentrell: @MRMarcusTillman boy I bet your name will never be called fir this draft you gonna be found #dead!!
(Note: Again, ?)

#25 Broncos, Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
Gray: I have no idea if Tebow can play quarterback in the NFL, but I would never bet against him. He's way too physically gifted, has a crazy work ethic and strikes me as one of these people that goes out of his way to prove people wrong (making all of us underachievers look even worse). As I said before, I grow tired of the Tebow love-fest, but there's something very special about him that keeps me from saying he can't do it.

(Note: It was about this time Kentrell apparently stopped watching the draft. So we'll just have to rely on his previous Twitter posts for commentary from here on out.)
Kentrell: If I don't make it to the league I want commisioner Gaddels job!!!

#26 Cardinals, Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee
Gray: Did Ed Orgeron cry? Surely he at least texted.

Kentrell: Rolondo Mcclain going to get him some Becky tonight!! Well alot of Becky

#27 Patriots, Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers
Gray: See my earlier comment about Rutgers. Also, when was the last time Rutgers had two guys go in the first round?

Kentrell: Evrybody in philadelphia smells the same!! They smell like inscents and body oils!!!

#28 Dolphins, Jared Odrick, DT, Penn State
Gray: Another defensive tackle!

Kentrell: #watif one of the players had a tuxedo with a cumberbun on!!!

#29 Jets, Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State
Gray: How about the jackass at Tebow's draft party that wore the same color shirt as him? I don't think it would be a big deal except the shirt were both pale green, an unusual color. What's that? DON'T JUDGE ME, IT'S THE 29TH DAMN PICK IN THE DRAFT. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.

Kentrell:  Cj Spiller should have combs his daughters hair too!!!

#30 Lions, Jahvid Best, RB, California
Gray: I still get chills watching this. And that would be the bad kind of chills.

Kentrell: Marshall Faulk looks like the dude of Bay Bays kids!!!
(Note: I'm lost.)

#31 Colts, Jerry Hughes, OLB, TCU
Gray: Sure, Jerry Hughes. We all remember that crazy bastard.

Kentrell: Joe Haden ears look like Manila folders!!

#32 Saints, Patrick Robinson, CB, Florida State
Gray: Probably the first time the Saints have ever had the last pick of the first round.

Kentrell: Joe Haden was on that movie grimlins right!!

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