Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hoover Hot Tub Time Machine

11:00 PM
July 2010
SEC Media Days Eve
Hoover, Alabama
Wynfrey Hotel

Scene opens with Nick Saban, Houston Nutt, Les Miles and Steve Spurrier relaxing in the hot tub of the Presidential Suite, surrounded by the finest Italian marble and fixtures found in the Birmingham area.

Nutt: Nick, I gotta tell you, this is impressive. All this marble. Very shiny. Classy. Fun to stare at for long periods of time. If I had skates, probably could skate on it. Need to get some for the ranch in Oxford.

Saban: Well, Houston, I'm Nick Saban. I own this son of a bitch. Not by title, but I own it. Hell, I own the whole state now, and if I want marble I'll get my damn marble. I might even get marble highways coming in and out of Tuscaloosa.  (Tosses head back and cackles maniacally)

Spurrier: Nick, I have to ask, whatcha drinkin' in that gold goblet? I mean, I'm enjoying my margarita, really like the strawberry kind, but whatever you got seems to be the best of the bunch.

Saban: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Spurrier: Try me. The Ball Coach has seen and done just about everything. Why in 1996...

Saban: Bald eagles' blood mixed with silverback gorilla testosterone.


Spurrier: Les, why are you yelling? And can you take your hat off? We're in a hot tub. You're starting to weird me out.

(Takes an eight second swig out of a brown jug labeled "New Iberia XXX.")

Nutt: Bald eagles. So majestic. Free. Flying through the air. Thought about getting some at the ranch. Get rid of some of the snakes around the pond. Don't like the snakes. Hard to enjoy fishing with snakes on the mind. Can't relax. Slimy things slithering around. Dangerous.  (Appears to be deep in thought, then takes a sip of his of red wine through a crazy straw.)

Saban: Well, gentlemen, I'm glad you could join me on this fine evening before we face the media. I"m sorry not everyone could make it. Johnson thought he might have fun, so he declined. Mark thinks only the devil's work takes place after 10 PM, Mullen was busy getting his resume updated and Urban said something about holding a practice in the parking garage. I didn't bother inviting those assholes from Auburn and Arkansas, but if I knew who the hell the guys at Tennessee and Kentucky were I would have ask them to join us.


Saban: So you say. Gentlemen, (raises goblet) to a another fantastic year in the Southeastern Conference.

All take part in the cheers with glasses, goblet or, in Miles' case, jug. The booze, bald eagles' blood and Les Miles' insanity flow freely for the next few hours before all four men call it a night.

8:45 AM
July 1998
SEC Media Day
Hoover, Alabama
Wynfrey Hotel

Saban, Spurrier and Nutt groggily shuffle into the living room of the Presidential Suite. Saban is dressed in a Spartans Football shirt and khakis, still holding his goblet. Spurrier is wearing a Florida windbreaker, khakis, and trademark visor. Nutt looks like this:

And Miles is lying face down on the floor, naked, save for a Dallas Cowboys shirt.

Nutt: (rubbing temples) Bad idea. Bad idea. Should have stopped at half a glass. I know how I get after one. Gotta be better than that. Mistake needs to be corrected.


Spurrier: Now calm down there, Nick. We don't look so bad. I always did look best in Gator blue and orange. And this visor, so crisp and blue. Look how far I can throw it. (Throws it with good velocity into the bedroom.)

Miles: YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Roars to life and on his feet. Notices the Cowboys shirt, but ignores his pantlessness.) DALLAS, DALLAS, DALLAS, DALLAS, DALLAS, DALLAS. JERRY, I'M COMING HOME. CHAN CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT ME!!! YYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Sprints out of the suite, down the hallway and presumably out of the hotel.)

Nutt: Strange dude that Les. But intense. Love intensity. Gotta have intensity. Need it each day you go to work. It's what we preach to our young men. No days off on this level.

Saban: Come on, guys. We need to go figure out what the hell is going on here. I've got no Gucci and Armani, I'm wearing this awful green color and I SURE AS SHIT DON'T SEE ANY ITALIAN MARBLE IN HERE! WHEN I FIND THAT S.I.D., HE'S DEAD. DEAD. I TAKE NO PRISONERS.

The three head down to the lobby of the Wynfrey. When the elevator doors open, standing just 20 yards away are Phil Fulmer and Jackie Sherrill discussing new ways to cheat.

Spurrier: Fulmer. I thought we put him out to pasture. He was done. Finished. My easiest source of victories other than Kentucky and that smart school. I won the battle between good and evil. How can he be back?

Nutt: Read about the undead one time. Scary stuff. You kill 'em. They look dead. But they ain't dead. Come back and hang around. I'd watch out, Steve. Hocus-pocus stuff makes me nervous.

Saban: (Pointing across the lobby) Who the hell is that chunky, bald guy with those Alabama people? Does he think he's in charge now? I will show this @!#$%^&*%#@$ what in charge is. (Stomps off to savagely berate the man.)

Fulmer: (Spots Spurrier and waddles over to talk; Sherrill tags along) Steve, good to see you again. Hope everything is well with you.

Spurrier: Hey there, Phil. It's been a while. (Turns to Sherill) Jackie Wayne, how are ya?

Sherrill: It's just Jackie, Steve. Jackie.

Spurrier: Sure thing, Jackie Wayne.

Sherrill: Jackie.

Spurrier: Wayne. Jackie Wayne.

Sherrill: Ja-

Spurrier: Jackie Wayne. Got it. (Turns back to Fulmer) Hey, Phil, got a question for ya?

Fulmer: Shoot.

Spurrier: Have you lost some weight because nothing loses faster than... Wait, no, that's not right. Okay, have you lost some weight because you can't lose weight without orange... Awww, man. Hold on. One more try. Hey, Phil...

Fulmer: Yes, Steve?

Spurrier: Have you lost some weight because losing weight is easy when you can't spell... Dammit! None of those are right. I'm all out of practice. I used to have a whole list of these things memorized. Shouldn't have left Florida. I have no good jokes at South Carolina. None. There's nothing there. Nothing. (Begins mumbling incoherently to himself and gets back on the elevator.)

Fulmer: That was weird. Can't believe he didn't think of a Peyton Manning joke. Well, Houston, welcome to the league. I'm sure you'll find...

Saban: (Sprinting back over to the group) Houston! Houston! We've got to get out of here. Do you know how that bald man was? MIKE DUBOSE!!! He's destroyed just about everything he's touched, especially at Alabama. AND I TOUCHED HIM. I'M UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN I TELL YOU, UNCLEAN!

Nutt: Easy there, Nick. Deep breaths. That's what I always do when I get worked up. Learned that trick trying to coach Greg Hardy. Confused young man that Greg. Talented. Needs to work harder. Stay focused. More energy. Still a good Rebel.

Saban: Houston, listen to me. We've traveled back in time. It's 1998, not 2010. All that damn Italian marble must have done something weird to the hot tub. For the sake of our careers we have to get away from DuBose and Sherrill. They're as good as done.

Nutt: Now, Nick. That doesn't make sense. Time travel. Read about it one time. Can't be done. Even thought about building my own time machine. The guy at Ace told me they didn't have the parts. Neither did Home Depot. Nice people those folks at Ace. It's the neighborhood...

Tommy Tuberville appears.

Tuberville: Hey guys, just wanted to hand you my card. (Begins handing them out) That's got my home number, cell number, fax, home address, something called an email address and directions to my house. If you hear of any jobs, I'm always ready to listen. You never say no, right?  (Winks and walks away.)

Saban: (Throws card to the floor in disgust. Grabs Nutt's arm and pulls him into the elevator.) It's time to get back to 2010 so the king can still be the king.

Sherrill: Hey, that's my nickname!

Saban: I don't speak to the unemployed.

Nutt: I was unemployed once. Not fun that unemployment. Boring. Just kind of...(elevator doors close)

Fulmer: (Turns to Sherrill) Wanna hit up the buffet?

Sherrill: Can't. Gotta go make some living arrangements for some junior college players we have coming in. Found them a nice hotel right off campus.


1 comment:

  1. Another fantastic addition. Keep it comin