Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Handicapping the SEC Tournament

Having largely ignored basketball this season, save for a few moments of rage inspired by Ole Miss, and the SEC Tournament getting underway tomorrow, I decree the hour of basketball discussion to be at hand. So for those of you curious as to how things should play out in Nashville or perhaps you approach life with a Bodhi-like attitude and gamble on college basketball, this is for you. Starting with the favorite and moving down the food chain, you'll get each team's chance of winning the tournament.

Odds of winning: The same as Rich Brooks creating new strings of profanity to admonish a player who fails to execute properly (if he were still coaching).

Despite two slip-ups on the road, Kentucky proved to be on a different level than everyone else. They have the guards and size to play any type of game. Slow them down and they'll pound the hell out of you with DeMarcus Cousins, Patrick Patterson and the assortment of other 6'10" guys. Speed them up and they'll still pound the hell out of you, but now the guards will become involved. Even John Calipari can't get in the way of this team (at least in this tournament).


Odds of winning: The same as a Colquitt not punting for the football team.

Those are solid odds, not great (surely there's an end to the Colquitt punting dynasty, right?). Just like this basketball team, solid, but not great. With their athleticism and a sweaty Bruce Pearl, this is the only team that has a consistent shot to beat Kentucky. All of this is assuming that 1/3 of the team will not be arrested before the first game.

Odds of winning: The same as Woody Widenhofer returning to coach with Bobby Johnson.

Most likely not gonna happen, but there's a chance. Vanderbilt hates spending money on sports, no one with a career is going to go coach there and I'm sure Widenhofer is ready and willing (even though he's currently the head coach of something called the Alabama Blackbirds of the United National Gridiron League). All that has to be overcome is Widenhofer's age (70) and the small idea that the game has passed him by. Oh, and that he already stunk at Vanderbilt (15-37). So good luck, Kevin Stallings. You shall require it.

Odds of winning: The same as Urban Meyer not bailing a player out of jail this summer.

I suppose if Meyer really is taking time off he won't be the one coordinating with a bail bondsman, but we all know he's not going to give up that special privilege. It's a chance to scare a player into become faster so that one, he'll help Meyer claim the fastest team in America, and two, he won't get caught by the slow-footed police again.

Mississippi State
Odds of winning: The same as Dan Mullen bringing Jackie Sherrill around his football team again.

If you recall, Mullen allowed Sherrill to visit practice last April, which was fine as long as Jackie Wayne didn't take part in any coaching. And of course Sherrill immediately began committing NCAA rules violations by coaching punters for a brief period. Another lapse in Mullen's judgment would be the same as Dee Bost averaging 35 points a game this weekend.

Ole Miss
Odds of winning: The same as Houston Nutt not speaking in short. Quick. Brief. Awesome. Sentences. And using more than one compound sentence in a day.

I've never seen a football coach who relies on nothing but cliches be so entertaining when he speaks. He literally says nothing but I find all of it fascinating. Perhaps it's the twinkle in his eye or the flash of a shit-eating grin that occasionally slips out, whatever it is HE HAD ME AT HELLO.

Odds of winning: The same as Ryan Mallett adding agility and quickness to his quarterbacking package.

In other words, Courtney Fortson would need to throw up a 28-7-10 for four days in Nashville.

South Carolina
Odds of winning: The same as Steve Spurrier not being disappointed in everyone around him.

Steve Spurrier and Devan Downey have at least two things in common (possibly three if Downey enjoys golf): One, they give their team the best chance of winning. And two, they give their team the greatest chance of losing. If Downey is off, the Gamecocks don't have a chance because he's going to keep shooting and missing. If he's on, they turn into 1990s Spurrier when anything was possible.

Odds of winning: The same as more than 200 Alabama fans attending the SEC Tournament.

I'm not sure more than 20% of Alabama fans even know they have a basketball team.

Odds of winning: The same as a successful NFL career for Chris Todd.

If the league begins cracking down on all steroid/PED/goat testosterone/whatever and we're left with nothing but slower, mediocre players, I like Todd's chances.

Odds of winning: The same as a successful NFL career for Joe Cox.

If the league begins cracking down on non-ginger players, I like Cox's chances.

Odds of winning: The same as a cordial, hygienic, fully-toothed, non-gumbo-swilling LSU fan inviting you to drink and break bread in their tent without running your team into the ground accompanied by a slew of profanities.

I do not like Trent Johnson's chances this year.

No comments:

Post a Comment