Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Coach's Diary: Urban Meyer Edition

It's a little known fact that most coaches in every sport in every level of competition keep a diary. Here, they have a place where they can turn and reveal their innermost thoughts and reactions to both the smart and incredibly stupid things they do during the course of their job (We know they don't turn to their wives because she doesn't understand the complexities of sport, but a blank piece of paper sure does.). And, thanks to my stealthy skills in the field of breaking and entering, you, the reader, now have access to these innermost thoughts penned by some of the finest and not-so-finest minds in the world of sport.

9:25 PM

Dear Diary,

What a relaxing, fun-filled day today was. I slept in until 4:30, limited myself to four cups of coffee with only two shots of Five-Hour Energy added and stopped my offensive scheming at 20 new plays. I would have kept going but I ran out of protein goo packets. I prefer cinnamon, but all we had in the house was strawberry. Actually, I hate the damn things. But the doctor and the wife are on my case about diet changes. Oh, how I miss the Denny's delivery to the office. I wonder if I can get my GA's and student managers to sneak me some here at the house? At the very least I should make them run, then I could build them up and tell the college football world that we have the fastest and sneakiest GA's and managers in America. Because that's what we do at Florida. We do it all fast. And very sneaky.

Speaking of fast, that Joe Haden. We clocked him 4.33 in the 40 here. It was like watching Lane Kiffin's time in the SEC. You blinked and it was over. But now Joe is taking some heat (and our staff is getting it too) for his disappointing time at the combine. Those fools in the NFL said he only ran it in 4.57 and 4.60. I call bullshit. They should have asked us to use our stopwatches, as they are the most accurate in the country. We do nothing but first class at Florida. Found some scientist in Switzerland who claimed he built the world's most accurate stopwatch. Took a trip over and bought a dozen. Hell, if they had seen Joe's real time, there would have been a riot. He actually ran it in 3.79, but we bumped him down to make it seem more legitimate. And if they knew what Chris Rainey did, we'd lose all credibility (2.17 if you're interested).

The gall of someone questioning my word. Do they know who I am? I RUN GAINESVILLE. I AM URBAN MEYER. MY WORD IS THE LAW. Even I can run a 4.85 40. Just for all of this trouble I swear to you my first team is going to be the fastest in the country, my second team right behind them and even my third team will be ahead of every other team in the country. And taking a break? To hell with that. I'm going to grind everyone into a fine paste. A BLUE AND ORANGE FIRESTORM OF DESTRUCTION WILL CONSUME EVERYONE IN 2010.

Well, I'm down to my last pen after snapping the other seven writing the last paragraph. Plus the wife says she has some herbal tea she wants me to drink. Supposed to be the best, which is all I accept, so it's probably time to wrap this thing up. And I need to call Tim to see if there's anything he needs before I go to bed. What a great kid. If only I could trade my kids.......whatever their names are for him. I hope John Brantley is ready to be my buddy. Until next time.

P.S. Tell Addazio of plan to make GA's and managers the fastest in America.

P.S.S. Set aside 25 minutes tomorrow for practicing icy stare in the mirror.

1 comment:

  1. I never tire of the diary edition.