What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

After closing out 2009 with a strong week of laziness and therefore a lack of posting, let's see if I can't get 2010 off to a little more industrious start. I know I've said this nothing short of 428 times, but it is my goal to post three times a week (Monday, Wednesday and Friday). That way you'll know when something new should be up and not curse at me as you find that it's now day four of you looking at the same post on here. Of course, we all know there's no way I can keep to that schedule given my high degree of sloth, but I'm at least making another failing effort.

Terrelle Pryor plays poorly; Brent Musburger and Kirk Herbstreit weep.
23 of 37, 266 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT
20 carries, 72 yards
Reading those stats, one might say that the player who produced those had a good game. A mediocre passing performance and a pretty good showing on the ground (for a quarterback). However, if you were to have watched this game, the announcers would have wanted you to believe that you were watching a transcendent performance. What you really saw was a true sophomore quarterback finally not screw a game up and play well in the process. Did he still do a handful of dumb things? Yes, but none of them were super dumb and destroyed any chance to win the game. So congratulations, Terrelle Pryor, you have finally achieved reached slightly beyond mediocre. I can't wait for the hype to start on your 2010 Heisman campaign and Ohio State's inevitable preseason number two ranking.

Also, I'm not sure, but Musburger and Herbstreit may have wept. So that could have actually happened.

Oh, and screw you, Oregon, for letting all this shit happen. The country had a good thing going in Ohio State's annual dismantling as they traveled outside the Big Ten and the state of Ohio.

Ole Miss and Oklahoma State produce the greatest college football game ever played.
Almost. 12 turnovers (six by OSU in the fourth quarter, which I'm pretty sure has never happened), two missed field goals, 16 penalties and two failed fourth and goal plays. Things were so bad that for 95% of the game Pat Summerall was NOT the worst thing about this game (Seriously, Fox, let's not dust off his corpse for another Cotton Bowl). Ole Miss showed some flashes of competency early, but those were quickly wiped out by Jevan Snead being Jevan Snead (interceptions, overthrows and a general state of panic). And Oklahoma State never really showed much of anything, except providing a clinic on out-sucking the opponent's suckiness and being the dominant one in an orgy of turnovers.

Many Ole Miss fans (including myself) finally got their wish to see Nathan Stanley get some significant playing time and, upon receiving that wish, immediately regretted that wish. Clueless would be a generous description of his field presence. But despite the incompetency raging in every direction, it was a win for Ole Miss and it'll be a cold day in hell before I ever complain about back-to-back nine-win seasons and an 18-8 record in that span.

Also, Shay Hodge and I are no longer taking applications for the third bedroom in our apartment. That spot has been filled by Dexter McCluster.

East Carolina's 41-year old, 290 pound kicker wins the Liberty Bowl MVP.
Well, I guess technically he may have won it from Arkansas fans. The portly, middle-aged looking kicker pulled a "1998 Donald Juneau at Alabama" and was 1 for 5 on field goal attempts, missing two in the last 2:41 in the fourth quarter and one in overtime. In his defense, it was unbearably cold here in Memphis Saturday night and allegedly that makes it hard to kick. A few other things that make it hard to kick include pressure, sunlight, grass, blue skies, cloudy skies, yelling, general noise, the presence of people, oxygen and Dan Marino.

Auburn displays proper pass defense technique.
Northwestern's Mike Kafka, looking like B.J. Symons against Ole Miss' 4-2-5 defense in 2003, was 47 of 78 for 532 yards and four touchdowns. Unfortunately for the Wildcats, he is Mike Kafka and also threw five picks, one of which was returned for a touchdown. This game was a lot like the Ole Miss/Oklahoma State game. We were treated to 10 turnovers, 15 penalties, two missed field goals and a missed extra point. Yep, pretty much the same. Well, except for all the scoring and excitement instead of little scoring and blank stares at what was allegedly a college football game taking place.

The Capital One Bowl provides an outstanding field for two potent offenses.
It's probably unfair to Penn State lump their offense in the same category as LSU's. So we'll label the Nittany Lions as "struggling" and the Tigers as "abysmal." Speaking of struggling and abysmal, the field of the Florida Citrus Bowl deserves a pat on the back for dragging both offenses down a notch or two. After hosting high school championship games, the Miami/Wisconsin game, a rodeo, a sheep showing event, a demolition derby and a reenactment of the Battle of Carthage all in the span of about eight days, the turf didn't quite hold up for large men running around at high speeds. And it's a shame because if this game had seen perfect field conditions, I'm sure we would have seen each offense pound out at least another field goal.





Ed Orgeron's defensive line slows down Virginia Tech.
Let's not lay it all on the Shrimp Boat Captain, so welcome to the party Monte Kiffin! The Tennessee defense gave up 229 yards on the ground (438 total) and rang in the New Year with great disdain for tackling and a supportive role in making Tyrod Taylor look like a competent quarterback. I suppose I should mention the fine work of Lane Kiffin's offense, which pounded out FIVE rushing yards on 31 carries. It was quite the New Year's Eve.

South Carolina, pleased to be in Birmingham, puts on an inspired performance.
205 total yards and one touchdown scored with 3:24 to go in the game. We're about to start year six of the Steve Spurrier era and showings like this are still going on. I know no one at South Carolina gave a rat's ass about playing in the freezing cold at old, dumpy Legion Field, but how is it not possible to give at least 20% effort?