Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Coach's Diary: Lane Kiffin Edition

NOTE: I've been planning on doing this for the past few weeks, but thanks to the Lane Kiffin earthquake earlier tonight, it makes its debut now.

It's a little known fact that most coaches in every sport in every level of competition keep a diary. Here, they have a place where they can turn and reveal their innermost thoughts and reactions to both the smart and incredibly stupid things they do during the course of their job (We know they don't turn to their wives because she doesn't understand the complexities of sport, but a blank piece of paper sure does.). And, thanks to my stealthy skills in the field of breaking and entering, you, the reader, now have access to these innermost thoughts penned by some of the country's coaches.

7:35 PM

Dear Diary,

It worked again! I don't know if it's my brashness, boyish looks or the mesmerizing twinkle in my eyes, but teams just keep offering me jobs. Why, just yesterday, I was listening to Eddie O describing a competin', quick-footed defensive lineman that he found in a swamp outside of Chattanooga (don't worry, I sent some of our best girls to go check him out) when Jerry Jones called and asked me if I wanted to take over for Wade at the end of the year. It was so weird! I've only met Jerry once or twice and we just talked about Al Davis' immortality. Oh, and I just remembered, this morning I was at the grocery store (I do love my Apple Jacks) and ran into the manager and he even offered me a job as a stocker in the produce department (if he had said dairy I would have thought about it). I guess people just really like me.

Anyway, I told Jerry that I appreciated the offer, but I could not accept. I find that stadium a little pretentious. But I didn't tell him that. I just said dad didn't want to watch his Tampa 2 defense get destroyed once again in the NFL. And then, of course, today, USC told me I could have the keys to the Trojan football program. I know, I couldn't believe they didn't offer sooner. Did they not watch the second quarter of the Chick-fil-A Bowl? I was AWESOME. And seriously, Jack Del Rio? Dad can eat him in two bites. Well, gotta run. Need to go find one of my old USC ties to get ready for the press conference. And I suppose I need to get rid of all this orange that Layla hates so much. Oh, I should also probably buy a lottery ticket while I'm still in Tennessee. When you're hot, you're hot. Later.

P.S. I just know that Chip Kelly at Oregon is already trying to steal our recruits at USC. I'll show him.

P.S.S. I need to make time to go see that new Harrison Ford movie where he shouts, "I ALREADY WORK AROUND THE CLOCK!" Talk about dramatic. Can't wait to see it. I hope it's as good as Hollywood Homicide.

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