Tuesday, January 19, 2010

An Outsider's Top Ten Draft Board

ESPN's Mel Kiper, Jr. and Todd McShay have become household names when the winds change and it becomes NFL draft season. From now until late April when the NFL draft takes place, Kiper and McShay will be familiar faces on just about every ESPN broadcast. Even if it's a damn college basketball game, you'll find at least one of their top five offensive linemen rankings rolling across your screen. And if you make the unfortunate error of turning on SportsCenter at 5:00 pm (CST), you can fully expect a raging debate over the best available picks once the fourth round arrives. So, with these experts of sorts dominating the airwaves, I felt it was time to go outside the box and find someone with a fresh perspective on the best players available for the draft in April.

Luckily, I was able to find such an outsider who had plenty of free time on his hands and was willing to send the Beast his top ten players for the 2010 NFL Draft. So let me introduce one of the great actors of our time, a man who has starred in such fine films such as Battlefield Earth, Wild Hogs, Swordfish, The General's Daughter, Face/Off and is currently starring in the disaster-in-waiting, From Paris With Love, Mr. John Travolta! Take it away, John.

Wow, so happy to be here, guys. You know, when you embark on a career, no matter what the field, it's important to be recognized for excellence. It lets everyone know how hard you've worked and makes your work and dedication that much more special. I know I couldn't wait for the adoration after the time and effort I put into Battlefield Earth. That was a project I really bought into and couldn't wait to show America. And that's what these college guys have done. They've worked hard for four years, although some made the jump a little early (like after I got done with Urban Cowboy), and now is their time to be rewarded. So, now, thanks to The Belly of the Beast, I get to list my guys that I consider the best in the 2010 NFL Draft.

1. Jevan Snead, QB, Ole Miss
What can I say about this guy? He takes chances and isn't afraid to miss. If Jevan and I traded places, do you think Face/Off even gets made? Of course it does! He's not afraid to roll the dice with Nic Cage and a script that makes about as much sense as me ever getting another script the rest of my breathing life. The kid has got it, and I'm not even sure what it is. If I can make millions of dollars making shitty movies, this kid can do the same playing quarterback in the NFL.

2. Tyson Lee, QB, Mississippi State
Short isn't an excuse for not taking this kid. Some of our finest actors are short. Seriously, have you ever seen Danny DeVito? He's a bridge troll! I like this kid because he's a gamer. If he fails, he doesn't remember it. That's the way you have to play it here in Hollywood. Anyone who passes on this kid probably takes a pass on Wild Hogs 2.

3. Cordera Eason, RB, Ole Miss
Sure, he's made some mistakes with some fumbles, but who doesn't? Remember Pulp Fiction? I should have asked for more lines. Would have been a much better movie.

4. Jonathan Crompton, QB, Tennessee
You talk about a comeback, this kid came back from the dead. He stunk earlier in the football season, but rebounded like I did when Get Shorty came out not too long after I did Pulp Fiction. That let people know I was here to stay. This guy is guaranteed to pump out average results at best. I admire that work.

5. Joe Cox, QB, Georgia
Oh, the sweet Ginger Ninja. I once considered a role as a ninja, but I found out it would interfere with Be Cool, the followup to Get Shorty. When you've got a potential franchise going, you can't turn your back on a good thing.

6. Chris Todd, QB, Auburn
For a while there, many people thought there was no room for someone like me in Hollywood. Seriously! They thought I had lost my fastball, my ability to bring a complete performance. I think Hairspray put all that talk to rest. All this Todd kid needs is his Hairspray chance.

7. Joshua Shene, K, Ole Miss
I've heard a lot of my performances described as weak, which is ridiculous. Everyone knows, the bigger the stage, the better I bring it. Swordfish, anyone? Much like young Josh here, you can count on Mr. Saturday Night Fever to deliver when the goods are for sale.

8. Greg Hardy, DE, Ole Miss
Difficult to work with and injury problems are hounding my man Greg. I got the same reputation when I was working on The Punisher. Unbelievable! Why would I ever do anything to jeopardize the run I have going in the 2000s? I work well with others and only care about the greater good of the film. How else does one come to own a jet?

9. Justin Sparks, P, Ole Miss
A punter? Surely not, you might say. But I'll tell you, the kid goes all out. Yeah, his 34.6 yards per punt doesn't stand out, and he lost his job early in the year, but all he needs is another chance, like I got with Look Who's Talking. Much like I brought the pain in that fine film, Justin will show the NFL what a fool his college coaches were. By the way, all of my films are available on DVD. Do yourself a favor and get your Travolta collection started.

10. Unfortunately, there is no number ten. Mr. Travolta had to leave. It appears he was needed in a press junket for From Paris With Love, which I'm sure will be much like the rest of his movies, BURNING-YOUR-SOUL-AWFUL. Good luck to him as he keeps receiving movie scripts that will eventually result in him earning millions of more dollars while possessing less talent than those who drum on buckets in the streets for spare change.

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