Thursday, January 21, 2010

Coach's Diary: Ed Orgeron Edition

It's a little known fact that most coaches in every sport in every level of competition keep a diary. Here, they have a place where they can turn and reveal their innermost thoughts and reactions to both the smart and incredibly stupid things they do during the course of their job (We know they don't turn to their wives because she doesn't understand the complexities of sport, but a blank piece of paper sure does.). And, thanks to my stealthy skills in the field of breaking and entering, you, the reader, now have access to these innermost thoughts penned by some of the finest and not-so-finest minds in the world of sport.

(NOTE: None of the Yaw-Yaw-Yaw speakaging that is usually printed when Ed Orgeron talks will be seen here because in Orgeron's mind, everything he says is perfectly clear, Grade-A, 100% comprehendible American talk.)

3:53 AM

Dear Diary,

What a beautiful morning it is! Just got to into the office here at USC and am pounding out a few minutes on the treadmill before I fire up the tape to watch 17 straight hours of high school highlight videos. GONNA FIND ME SOME WINNERS FOR THE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJANS TODAY! SOME COMPETERS! WHOOOOOOOOOOO! The Red Bull is chilling in my new machine (much bigger than the one I had at Tennessee) and I've already called the secretary at home to tell her I want my alligator gumbo delivered no later than 11:30. And I need to find out just why in the hell she wasn't up at 3:15. You don't make the USC Trojans better by sleeping. You've got to work and compete around the clock if you want to be a first-class football operation. Speaking of which, I need to call her again to get her to place an order for eight shrimp rings for this afternoon's recruiting meeting. The old man, Monte, can't get enough of those. Now if I can just get him excited about alligator gumbo and pork rinds.

All this talk about food has my appetite up...AN APPETITE FOR WATCHING FILM. It sickens me how far behind I am in evaluating. I couldn't get all my recruiting tapes and evaluations out here before Tennessee cracked down and stopped me. HOW DARE THEY RUIN MY RECRUITING PROCESS! THOSE WERE MY TAPES, MY EVALUATIONS, MY WORK THAT TOOK OVER A YEAR AND NO LESS THAN 408 CASES OF RED BULL! I will burn them for this, especially that staffer who told me I couldn't get my tapes. MY TAPES! MY TAPES! MY TAPES! MY....

Easy there, big guy. Think happy thoughts before that vessel on your temple explodes. Ha...remember that kid I found near Lake Charles? Ooohhhh, man! Linebacker! Little to no twitch and was fast as a fan boat with nitrous boosters. He was going to be the next great Tennessee Vol. Too bad he couldn't have passed the fourth grade. I should probably give him a call at that junior college he went to. Tell him I've got a hole in my linebacking corps and he's the perfect fit. Gonna be my eyes on the field. And let him know that THE DAY HE SIGNS WITH THE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJANS WILL MAKE IT A GREAT DAY TO BE A SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA TROJAN! WHOOOOOOOOOO!

Alright, gotta run now. It's 4:03 and time to call that lazy son of bitch, Lane and ask him why he's not here already. We talked about this. In the office at 4 and back home at 11 PM. AIN'T NO CHAMPIONSHIPS WON WHILE SLEEPING! WE'VE GOT TO BE ON OUR FEET TO COMPETE!



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