Monday, August 03, 2009

What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

Earlier this summer, I introduced the “What Didn’t Happen Over the Weekend” idea, which I claimed would become a regular feature here. And, like any idea I claim that will become a regular feature, it appeared only once. But thanks to yet another painfully slow weekend, it’s back for a second appearance. I’ll make no promises for a third showing because it’s a miracle I even remembered I did this in the first place.

No Florida Gators or Mississippi State Bulldogs were arrested. Although I’m sure they tried, all managed to avoid the clink Friday through Sunday. Four of Mullen’s players have been arrested since he took over in December and Urban Meyer averages about five arrests a year (24 since 2005). In a related story, Jamar Hornsby has been arrested as a member of both the Florida and Ole Miss football teams. And after his dismissal from the Ole Miss team on Friday, he’ll most likely be given a chance to be arrested while on a third team. Quite impressive.

Stephen Garcia did not find himself arrested for mayhem. In one of my favorite running jokes, Garcia did not do anything that embarrassed himself, his family, the football team, the university or the Columbia community. Although it should be noted, Arkansas’ Ryan Mallett could be the one quarterback in the SEC that will challenge Garcia for supremacy in the Biggest Menace to Society: Quarterbacks' Edition category.

Houston Nutt did not hand out another football scholarship. After kicking Jamar Hornsby off the team on Friday, Nutt was tempted because 38 is such a “nice, beautiful even number”, but the loss of Hornsby meant that Ole Miss would be closer to the magic number of 25 for incoming players so he was forced to hold back.

Steve Spurrier did not pass off his coaching duties. Instead of letting his director of football operations run the show for 72 hours, he elected to do whatever it is he does while getting ready for the season. The director of football operations did however go pick up lunch for everyone on Friday.

Gene Chizik was not fired and is still employed by Auburn University. Iowa State fans are still burning couches and flipping over mid-sized Japanese cars as they continue to celebrate their good fortune.

Kentucky fans did not think about football. Instead, they began tracing the Italian bloodline of John Calipari back to the old country to compare it with that of Rick Pitino. Once they discovered Calipari's Italian ancestors were much more prominent in Italian society than Pitino’s, they raised a banner in Rupp Arena where 12,000 of them had gathered to watch the basketball graduate assistants play some friends in a four-on-four game.

Nick Saban did not have various members of the media kidnapped and sold to Shining Path members in Peru. But he wanted to. Maybe next weekend.

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