Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Final Countdown: 7

In 1987, Guns N’ Roses, the greatest band of our time, exploded onto the national music scene with the release of Appetite for Destruction. Faces were melted merely by looking at the album. And when people actually listened to it, minds were blown apart. It was literally the greatest moment in music history. So to honor the album that changed the world, I give you seven songs off the album that I find most relate to the people, places and teams of the SEC.

Welcome to the Jungle
This song destroys every other song ever written. It unhinges its jaw and physically consumes everything in its path. You can’t tell me that the first time (and perhaps every time) you heard this song you didn’t want to run through a brick wall. And you probably could have if you tried.

Much like this song, Urban Meyer’s Florida team destroys just about everything it faces when playing at home. Meyer is 27-2 in The Swamp since coming to Florida. However, Florida should turn off the GNR when Ole Miss comes to town and fire up some "Home Sweet Home" by Motley Crue, as the Rebels are 2-0 this decade there.

It’s So Easy
Just like the song title says, it’s so easy for Alabama to beat Ole Miss in Tuscaloosa and for LSU to beat Mississippi State in Baton Rouge. Ole Miss last won at Alabama in 1988 and, after about 10 minutes of research, I never found evidence of a State win in Baton Rouge. I’m sure it’s happened, but State’s athletics webpage is such a trainwreck, I gave up looking for the answer. I suppose I could have looked on LSU’s page, but I’m much too lazy to do that. Incidentally, neither State nor Ole Miss visits those places this season, so this is sort of irrelevant.

Out ta Get Me
I think this song accurately describes Lane Kiffin’s feelings towards everyone in the SEC, the national media, potentially Ed Orgeron and Urban Meyer. Most everyone in the SEC has been thoroughly annoyed (and also entertained) at Kiffin’s buffoonery, the media has had a field day with him and would love to see him crash and burn, Ed Orgeron wants his job and Urban Meyer wants to hang 75 on the Vols in Gainesville this year and grind Kiffin into a fine paste. So I say the feeling is warranted.

Paradise City
A song that was probably written about Oxford without knowing it was actually about Oxford. I’m not going to wax poetic about the sights and sounds of Oxford because you’d be reading nothing you hadn’t read before, but if you’ve never been DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GO. Trust me on this one.

You’re Crazy
I believe this is Les Miles’ personal anthem. In fact, I believe he sings it to himself in the mirror every Sunday morning after one of his moronic decisions on Saturday works out. Throwing a pass to the endzone with nine seconds left when a field goal would win the game? “You’re cra-zy!!!” Fourth downs? Go for it!!! “You’re cra-zy!!!”

Perhaps before he traded the booze and headbutts for Red Bull and recruiting, Ed Orgeron enjoyed a bottle or two of Night Train Express, which is a brand of cheap wine. Although, Night Train is apparently readily found in California, but not in other parts of the United States, so I doubt he got to take a sample. I think Orgeron was more of a King Cobra man anyway.

Mr. Brownstone
Everyone has that one vice or guilty pleasure that when it surfaces holds them back in some way. For Guns N’ Roses, it was the fast and party lifestyle. For Steve Spurrier, it’s the quarterback position. Plagued with some less-than-stellar quarterbacks since his arrival in Columbia, Spurrier has never been able to put a complete offensive team together. Just when it looks like the South Carolina offense is getting a little bit better than before, the quarterback does something incredibly stupid and won’t leave Steve Spurrier alone.

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