Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Cookin' in the SEC

Consumed every article written about your team, your conference, your rivals, teams you don’t care about and teams that you inexplicably hate? Check. Rearranged your schedule so that nothing important happens on a Saturday for a four-month period? Check. Informed people who are dumb enough to get married on a football Saturday that you will not be at the wedding, but you did put some thought into their wedding gift? Check. Started going to bed earlier to rest your body and mind for the physical and emotional demands of the 2009 college football season? Check.

These are just some of the basic preseason preparations fans across the country, especially in the South, are making as we get closer and closer to the start of college football (I mention the South because we’re the only group that stops giving a shit about baseball in mid-to-late July. Other places actually still care which teams are in the running for the AL Wildcard). We’re just under a month away from opening kickoff and as we get closer to that date, the preparation will increase and become more specific to individual games. Like, in what increment of time before the first game will your arrival on campus be measured. Hours or days? Or will you wait until the week of the game to start hating your first opponent or get started now?

And of course, the week of each game, mainly home games, getting the tailgating (or Grove as we at Ole Miss call it, and yes, I hoped that read as pretentious as I wanted it to) spread together is a massive undertaking. Food, drinks, logistics can all turn into nightmares. Thankfully for all of us, the coaches of the SEC have gone out of their way to make our burdens a little lighter, at least as it relates to food. Earlier this summer, they all agreed to submit their favorite tailgating (Grove) recipes. With these handy recipes, fans now have one less dish to worry about and the easy preparation will save even more time.

From Cookin’ in the SEC: My Casserole Has Its Own Indoor Facility
In Alphabetical Order by coach
(Note: Lane Kiffin would have submitted a recipe, but his dad would not let him anywhere near a hot stove. In his place, Ed Orgeron has submitted one of his favorites.)

Three, Four and Five-Letter Hodge-Podge Soup by Kentucky Coach Rich Brooks
1 cup f--- you
1 cup you stupid sack of shit
1 cup your ass is grass
1 cup you son of a bitch, what the hell is wrong with you?
1 cup damn

Heat on stove for 60 minutes on highest possible temperature setting, stir angrily every 10 minutes, allow no time for cooling and throw it those waiting to be served. Serves 85 males, ages 18-22.

Little Brother Lemonade by Auburn coach Gene Chizik
1 pitcher water
6 lemons
1 cup sugar
1 constant, repeating thought that one day, you will be as good as Alabama

Squeeze lemons (find someone who has had success with more than 5), mix with water and sugar and stir. Serves the 189 Auburn fans that thought Jay Jacobs made a good hire.

Square, White Toast by Vanderbilt coach Bobby Johnson
1 loaf of plain, white bread (preferably generic brand)

Use a knife to cut off the crust, forming a perfect square. Measure with protractor to ensure an accurate angle of 90 degrees. Place in toaster until light brown. Serve with no sugars, spices, butters, jams, jellies or any foreign substance. Water is recommended as a beverage compliment.

Fastest, Most Genius Recipe Ever Conceived By Man by Florida coach Urban Meyer

Only I know the ingredients and only I can understand them. You non-geniuses could never understand the genius behind wanting the fastest recipe in America. You will be reminded of this each time you watch a Florida game on TV. Also, Tim Tebow is awesome.

Last Second, Impulsive Raccoon and Possum Boudin by LSU coach Les Miles
1 raccoon and 1 possum (Both should be easy to find among Saturday LSU tailgaters)
2 misused timeouts
18 reckless fourth down attempts
1 season’s hopes pinned on a Harvard quarterback transfer
1 stovepipe hat

Place all ingredients in stovepipe hat. Stir haphazardly and without purpose. Heat in microwave for 27:32. Or maybe 68:31. Just pick a time. It will work out. YYYYYYAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! Serves the blindly loyal for about five seasons.

Retread Bean Dip by Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen
1 handful of has-been and never-were assistant coaches who spent 2008 outside of D-I football
1 former Ed Orgeron staffer
1 Bagman
1 D-II head coach who was a minor candidate for your job
1 never-ending dash of the phrase “the school up north”

Pour all ingredients into several pots spread around the kitchen. Heat at a medium temperature for three years. Keep telling everyone how exciting this is going to be. When the three years are up, call Urban to see if he needs any help with his recipe.

Fire and Brimstone Fried Chicken by Ole Miss coach Houston Nutt
1 whole chicken
1 multitude of quick, snappy sentences
1 visit to “Eye-rack” for perspective and motivational purposes to be used later
1 gimmicky phrase repeated to players over and over again
Pinch of good ol’ boy charm and grin
1 plexiglas podium
1 Good Book
1 motivational speech

Season the chicken with all other ingredients. While chicken is deep fried and super-heated at 900 degrees, begin pointing in all directions at random. Appear completely out-of-control while actually maintaining control. Hug everyone in the room and tell them that you love them when chicken is ready to serve.

Alligator Red Bull Gumbo by Ed Orgeron
1 freshly wrestled-to-death Louisiana alligator
76 four-packs of Red Bull
8 bags of pork rinds
3 head butts
2 cups of COMPETIN’
1 recruiting national title
1 copy of Meat Market
1 copy of The Blind Side
4 shirts
1 Hummer H2

Get up at 4:30 AM and place all ingredients in the biggest pot available. Heat until boiling hot. Stir while screaming “Wild Boys” and without a shirt. Verbally abuse everyone in the area, especially those who won’t try the gumbo. Serves people who don’t understand how bad of a coach you really are.
(Note: This recipe is banned in Mississippi.)

Suckers by Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino
1 case of Dum-Dum suckers
1 contract with escape clause

Hand out suckers, count your money and wait for another truckload from somewhere else to park in front of your house. Serves at least three fan bases.

Birthright Stew by Alabama coach Nick Saban
28 million cubic yards of houndstooth fabric
1 skeleton
1 lock of Snake Stabler’s hair
1 collective air of superiority
12 national titles
21 SEC titles

Before cooking, remove NCAA probation, ineligible players, cash payments, new cars, and grade changes from national and SEC titles and the past 112 years of football (Note: This may take an entire week.). Mix all ingredients into Bear Bryant’s open grave (Note: You’ll find plenty of help in digging up his grave). Let simmer and season with tank tops, Walmart Tide trucker hats, back tattoos depicting Bear Bryant leaning against a goalpost…

…and some Cowboy…

Stir until thoroughly mixed. Serves 2.5 million rednecks.

Golf Times by South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier

Spurrier’s director of football operations did not send in an actual recipe. Instead, he sent Spurrier’s golf schedule for the last two months. Spurrier has already apologize for the mishap and assures us that when he makes the turn at Augusta, he’ll email one right away.

Angel Food Cake by Georgia coach Mark Richt
64 ounces of Aw-shucks
1 team end zone dance, but done in a respectful manner
1 cup of humbleness after the annual loss to Florida
1 blackout, but a friendly blackout

Before baking, add a dash of “Our kids are great kids” for extra sweetness. Bake for 45 minutes, let cool and present to Urban Meyer in hopes that he doesn’t hang 60 on your team this year.

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