First, an apology to The Hills fans. I can't believe it's taken me this long to dive into a season three breakdown of the show's main personalities (I'm not sure if that's the right word or not). Forgive me for my slacking and I hope this can make up for it.......
She's pretty much the most boring person on the show. She never really says anything interesting or does anything other than complaining about having no boyfriend (as she sucks down another mixed drink). Although I've never seen her smoke on the show, her voice sounds like she eats Marlboro Reds for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And then for dessert, she has a pack of Virginia Slims. Does she naturally have a 35 year old smoker's voice? I have no answers here. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this.
Apparently, she's also in school and has some sort of part-time job at Teen Vogue. I've seen no visual evidence as to what she actually does there (or if she actually goes to school), but it appears she mostly sits in front of a computer and talks to Whitney about what the club scene was like the night before. My favorite days are when she comes in and looks exactly like you would picture someone with a hangover. Good thing her greatest responsibility at work has been to sort jeans into different sizes for a photo shoot.
Not surprisingly, she's just as boring as her roommate, Lauren. She does earn a few more points because she "chills" with Justin Bobby, who might be the single greatest person on TV right now. Why she still gives him the time of day doesn't make any sense at all. He must posses some sort of mind control because why would anyone want to be around someone who doesn't appear to shower, speak in complete sentences, have rational thoughts, and as Lauren pointed out, he wears combat boots to the beach. He could also be hooking up Audrina with some smack or Columbian bam-bam which would explain why she clings to him and why she weighs about 46 pounds.
Wow. I don't even know where to start. Apparently, his name at one time was Bobby but recently he's switched to Justin, hence the nickname Justin Bobby. I have no idea if either of these names were actually given to him at birth or if he just picked them out of a book. Or they could be the names of two homeless philosophers he met at the soup kitchen one day. Anything is possible with him.
Justin Bobby spends most of his time on the show not speaking to any of Audrina's friends and doing everything possible to get Audrina to never speak to him again. But when he's in need of a friend, he cranks up the Jedi mind control and Audrina willingly runs out the door to go meet him. I wish I could remember all the great quotes he's provided from these meetings but only one really sticks out in my mind. After Audrina tells him they just need to be friends, he comes back at her with something like "Why do we need labels on everything? Why does society do that? Why can't we just be? You know what I'm saying?" Compelling and rich.
The poet laureate of Hollywood:
Speaking of brainwashed, she's fallen under the magical spell of the perpetually unemployed Spencer. He's a guy so unemployed that he has the time to oversee the painting of this on the LIVING ROOM WALL OF THEIR APARTMENT:
Seriously, on the living room wall. And it was not a joke. He and Heidi got into a fight over whether it could stay or had to go. It was one of the more unbelievable sequence of events to ever happen on the show. I can't remember exactly but I feel certain the mural stayed on the wall for at least three episodes.
As for Heidi, she appears to be trying to make a name for herself in corporate America. After locking down a spot at Bolthouse Productions, she's quickly climbed the ladder and now finds herself in charge of parties or something. Quick side note, what does it take to get a job at Bolthouse Productions? Other than a pulse and the ability to speak, I haven't spotted any qualifications. Clearly, a college education is not needed, but you better damn well know how to cross people off a list as they enter a party.
It will be interesting to see if Heidi cracks under the pressure of her rigorous work schedule that comes with her new position. Will she excel at name crossing off or will Brent Bolthouse regret the day he chose to hitch his wagon to her star? Other than a season four of this show, I demand that MTV give us a "Where are they now" show in five years.
Easily described as Lauren's nemesis. In the recent weeks, Spencer has managed to be named as the person that started the Lauren/Jason sex tape rumors, oversaw the painting of the above mural, avoided finding a job, cut off communication with his best friend Brody Jenner, and tried to make Heidi feel like a traitor for skipping out on their anniversary to go to work. I think he wakes up each day trying to see how badly he can piss off everyone that he knows. Speaking of waking up, here's my best attempt to layout Spencer's day until Heidi gets home from work:
10:15 Hit snooze on alarm.
10:24 Snooze again.
10:33 Rise and shine.
10:35 Look into mirror to admire himself.
10:42 Still looking.
10:50 Let Hills camera crew into the apartment so they can film him saying by to Heidi as she leaves for work. Heidi is not actually there since she left for work some 3 hours ago. Editing people, editing.
11:15 Got the perfect goodbye on the eighth take.
11:20 Turn on CNBC and pretend to look at stocks while MTV is still there.
1:00 Work out time. Tuesdays and Thursdays are arms and back.
3:30 Play old school arcade games in the apartment.
5:59 Pretend to be doing something constructive when Heidi walks through the door.
Fresh out of rehab, the hero of seasons one and two is back on the scene. At first, it seemed he and Lauren might be getting back together but that was too predictable for J-Wahl. Turns out, J-Wahl already has a girlfriend and just wanted to hang around Lauren for no apparent reason. Then, as if that wasn't a big enough surprise, J-Wahl invites Lauren to a party where we find out that it's actually an engagement party for J-Wahl and his 16 year ol....17 year.....wait, 18 year old.......okay, she has to be at least 20. I think.
Katja (I think that's her name) is fresh out of Mission Viejo High School and, okay I made that up, but there's no way she's a day older than 20. It was an enjoyable moment when she got to meet Lauren at the party. I'm pretty sure she murdered Lauren 800 different ways with her eyes. Who can blame her though? J-Wahl is such a hot commodity, you've got to protect your territory. If MTV doesn't give J-Wahl a spin-off show after everyone else refuses to do season four of this show, I may never watch another one of their pseudo-reality shows again. Well, that's probably a lie. But I assure you, I won't be happy.