Tuesday, July 26, 2011

29 Theories and Laws

Well, hello there.  I got lost on the way over here.  In no particular order, a set of 29 statements I think or know to be true (you decide which is which), while we wait out the next 40-ish days until the start of college football season.

-Bo Pelini modeled his coaching style after Bud Kilmer of Varsity Blues

-Johnny Utah, proud quarterback of Ohio State, was ineligible when he played in the Rose Bowl against USC

-The only person with longer index fingers than Houston Nutt is Hakeem Olajuwon

-Speaking of Varsity Blues, since ACL surgery wasn't available in West Canaan or apparently in the state of Texas, Lance Harbor did not attend Florida State and coached the Coyotes to a pair of state titles before leaving to travel the world to race cars fast and furiously with a guy named after a type of fuel

-Dan Mullen has an underappreciated cowlick on the back left of his head

-If Steve Spurrier the coach had been able to coach Steve Spurrier the player, his team would have averaged 73.8 points a game

-Oregon has decided to continue changing uniforms until its fans finally cry "ENOUGH WITH THIS BULLSHIT.  JUST PICK THE TOP 27 AND LET'S MOVE ON."

-As a result of Oregon fans' demand, Nike will be forced to limit 12,000 Southeast Asian/South Pacific children to only one job instead of two

-Everyone cheats, but only the criminally moronic and lazy get caught

-Mark Richt has never been sunburned

-If a Baton Rouge/LSU campus policeman saw Les Miles' car parked in a handicapped spot, of course he'd let it slide, but later that night at home in front of the TV, he wouldn't be sure if he let it slide because Miles is the head coach of LSU or because, well, in his eyes, Miles might not have been out of his element

-More people would stay in their seats at halftime of SEC games if, instead of the bands playing, 30-minute segments of Duke of Hazzard episodes were shown (as long as none of them were from the Coy and Vance season)

-Ed Orgeron's favorite movie is Over the Top

-Lane Kiffin's favorite movie is the entire Iron Eagle franchise

-Joker Phillips has never once dressed up like the Joker

-Mike Leach could take over any football program in D-I tomorrow and win at least seven, but not more than 10 games in the 2011 season

-Nick Saban could scratch out a nine-win season with Texas State transfer Paul Blake as his quarterback

-Kevin Costner believes there was a second tree-poisoner behind the grassy knoll at Toomer's Corner

-Every seven minutes, Texas' athletic department makes ten times what you will make in ten years

-Once the Big 12 falls apart, all that will be left of Kansas, Kansas State, and Iowa State football will be a tree with the word "Croatoan" carved in it

-Gene Chizik could fight off a well-coordinated attack of up to 15 12-year olds

-Despite leaving the Falcons to die, Bobby Petrino still prefers Home Depot over Lowe's

-Jim Delany once won a game of Risk fair and square, but hated every minute of it

-Tulane wakes up every day and says, "Dammit, we could have been the other doormat SEC team to beat Ole Miss five times since 1999."

-Will Muschamp has thrown rocks at his own players

-Even Jackie Sherrill considered Trooper Taylor an "absolutely not" in the hiring category

-Even Trooper Taylor didn't agree with Jackie Sherrill's recruiting tactics

-Despite his commitment to shower discipline, Derek Dooley prefers the generic brand shampoo and body wash

-James Franklin has never even been to Maryland

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous9:41 PM

    Croatan reference FTW!