Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A Midseason You-Should-Probably-Look-Into-Fixing-That Review

Since no one really enjoys complimenting the fine work of someone else because pointing out their flaws and general failures is infinitely more fun, I'm setting out on a quest to identify the shortcomings of the 12 teams in the SEC.  Obviously, some teams will be full of rich, juicy meaty content, while others will be a little more lean and less tasty, so remember that when I say something like "something about these people makes me want to headbutt all of them on the bridge of their noses."  That's not really a problem that can be fixed (other than changing the very essence of who people are, which can't be done before the 2010 season ends and who really wants to spend that much time doing that), but more of a personal complaint.

(In order of whoever I remember first)
Major problem:  Belief of infallibility
Keep an eye on that:  A tie between a shaky secondary and two teams have now been able to limit Mark Ingram and Trent Richardson, forcing Greg McElroy to run the show, which produced not good, but not bad results
Dismiss with a wave of the hand:  How close is Nick Saban to going to the lake, sitting on the dock and watching the ducks shit in the yard?

Major problem:  A defense that hemorrhages yards, points and time of possession
Keep an eye on that:  Mike Hartline and his not-so-strong arm are always lurking in the alley near the turnover department
Dismiss with a wave of the hand:  Randall Cobb calling out Kentucky fans for sucking.  Normally, this might be an issue, but no one cares enough about Kentucky football to follow Cobb on Twitter.

Major problem(s):  Les Miles, Gary Crowton, Jarrett Lee, Jordan Jefferson, time management, the broad area of offense, general disposition of LSU fans, WE'VE ONLY WON THE POWERBALL DRAWING TWICE THIS YEAR
Keep an eye on that:  Though they've yet to face a solid passing quarterback, this is the defense that was torn apart by T.J. Yates, who, after throwing for 412 yards on LSU, finally cracked the 300-mark for the first time since that game last week (325 against Virginia; his other totals:  209, 204, 181, 164)
Dismiss with a wave of the hand:  Les Miles leaving or being fired.  HAHAHAHAHA.

Major problem:

Keep an eye on that: Knowing that Mississippi State could not throw the ball, nor had any intention to do so, Florida's run defense gave up 212 yards on the ground
Dismiss with a wave of the hand:  At Florida, never.  If he's fast, there's room for him.

Major problem:  Lack of Division-I football players
Keep an eye on that:  Matt Simms will begin sharing time with freshman Tyler Bray this week
Dismiss with a wave of the hand:  Derek Dooley getting canned

Major problem:  If forced into a position where they have to throw, total offensive failure will be engaged
Keep an eye on that:  Dan Mullen's slight itch to play Tyler Russell may not be totally gone, and defensively, I'm not sure they're as good as the numbers say they are
Dismiss with a nervous wave of the hand:  Dan Mullen leaving Starkville

Major problem:  Whenever they have the ball
Keep an eye on that:  Robbie Caldwell's job security should the Dores go 2-10
Dismiss with a wave of the hand:  Absolutely nothing

Major problem:  A defense that is vigorously challenging for the right to claim worst in the SEC
Keep an eye on that:  An offensive line that was horrible to start the year, achieved adequate for a few games, then was exposed against a good defense.  With an injury to one of the new starters, this unit is now just shy of average and very thin.
Dismiss with a wave of the hand:  All serious, significant problems because WE'VE GOT A MASCOT ISSUE THAT NEEDS SOLVING

Major problem:  General terribleness
Keep an eye on that:  Thanks to the SEC East resembling the Big 12 North, Mark Richt may yet save his job
Literally dismiss with a wave of the administration's hand:  Arrested football players

Major problem:  If its defense wants to claim worst in the SEC, it has a major fight on its hands in holding off Ole Miss, Auburn and Kentucky
Keep an eye on that:  Ryan Mallett's delicate body (has any man that big, NBA excluded, ever crumpled to the ground so easily and consistently?) and a rushing offense that got set up with a nice house in the witness protection program
Dismiss with a wave of the hand:  Bobby Petrino is not an asshole

Major problem:  Somehow, your pass defense is worse than Ole Miss and Auburn's.  I've seen both of those defenses and I find this to be impossible.
Keep an eye on that:  The confinement of Stephen Garcia.  He can't stay fully functional in a structured environment without major damage to the walls.
Dismiss with a wave of the hand:  We're going to make it to Atlanta, right?

Edit:  I cannot either count or keep track of things when I don't write them down.  My apologies, Auburn.

Major problem:  Ted Roof and a secondary stocked with players who may actually be Ted Roof
Keep an eye on that:  If Cam Newton HAS to throw, can he beat a team?  It probably won't matter since he cannot be tackled behind the line of scrimmage, but if, say, LSU and Alabama (the only two teams with defenses capable of making this happen) hatch a plan and perfectly execute it, I don't know if he can.
Dismiss with a wave of the hand:  Does it even matter if Cam Newton can't throw?  Also, what would happen to Trooper Taylor chest-bumping abilities if forced to wear his hat forward and he no longer had his towel?


  1. Pretty good, but what did you have to say about Auburn?

  2. Good grief. LEARN TO COUNT, GRAY. Auburn fans, give yourselves $10 for my incompetence.