81 Seconds Under The Hat

In an effort to understand just what was transpiring in the space between Les Miles' ears on Saturday, The Belly of the Beast, through the magic of science and scientists, found itself in that space, rolling around like a BB in a boxcar, as Miles orchestrated one of the most disastrous sequences of events in college football history that somehow turned into a win.  We pick things up with 1:21 to go in the fourth quarter and LSU facing a fourth and nine.

1:21

BRAIN:  Jarrett has progressed as beyond expectations that were set by a populace were striving in a general direction.

VOICE OF CROWTON:  Do we have a fourth and nine play?  Who's in the game?  The white kid?  Let's see, so many damn plays.  How can I chose just one?  Look at this one.  Look at that one.  But which one?

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  Coach, we gotta go.  Clock is running down.  Need to get it out.

VOICE OF CROWTON:  Shit, I got nothing.  No, wait!  This one!  Zebra J Six...

BRAIN:  Do we have a timeout?  Should I ask someone?  Don't want to look foolish though.

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  DAMMIT, DELAY OF GAME.  Coach, we can't have that.

BRAIN:  Call timeout!

VOICE OF MILES:  Timeout!

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  I need a new job.

Jarrett Lee completes pass to Terrance Toliver for first down at the Tennessee 18.

1:12

BRAIN:  Haha, success!  Exactly as I thought it would go.  I order another round of that!

LSU moves into hurry-up offense.

VOICE OF CROWTON:  Way too fast!  Too fast!  Can't keep up!  Pass!  No, wait, run!  No, bad idea!  Forward with the ball!  In whatever direction that means!

Lee directs anarchy to the Tennessee 10 where LSU faces a second and two.  Timeout Tennessee.

0:56

BRAIN:  Excellence should be sought and searched for in places where you might likely find their existence as related to accomplishments in our tasks before us.

VOICE OF CROWTON:  Les, what do you have in mind?

BRAIN:  Certainly we need direction in that of positive.

VOICE OF CROWTON:  Les?  Can you hear me?  Don't make me do this on my own.

VOICE OF MILES:  I prefer positive movement.

VOICE OF CROWTON:  What?  What does that even mean?  Do you want a screen?  Draw?

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  Just get the damn first down.

After a first down, pass interference penalty and an incomplete Lee pass, LSU faces second and goal at the Tennessee two.

0:32

VOICE OF CROWTON:  I like Jordan here, let him run it in.

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  Coach, he can't run.  They know we're not going to throw with him.  Gotta let Jarrett do it.

VOICE OF CROWTON:  No, Jordan's the guy.  Got the perfect play for him.  Let's go QB 28 Sweep.

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  Les!  You can't let this happen.

VOICE OF MILES:  The silence is out there, we've just got to put ourselves there mentally as we bring things into focus.

Dead silence.

VOICE OF CROWTON:  QB 28 Sweep.

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  Shouldn't we call another play in case he doesn't get in?

BRAIN:  What a silly man!

VOICE OF CROWTON:  No way this doesn't work.  Bet my job on it.

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  Oh, shit.

VOICE OF MILES:  Yes, Jordan, go forward with a banner of heightened success.

Jefferson is tackled on the two and the clock begins to tick away.

0:28

0:27

0:26

0:25

0:24

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  Coach?  Coach?  We got to do something here.  What play do you want?

BRAIN:  We're certainly finding that the conquests presented can be difficult in ways that don't appear as intense where we expect them to be.  Also, woodwinds.

0:23

0:22

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  COACH, WHAT THE HELL?

VOICE OF CROWTON:  Oh, shit, he didn't get in did he?  Oh, hell.  What next?

VOICE OF MILES:  Haha, bassoons!

0:21

0:20

0:19

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  CALL A DAMN PLAY, GARY!

VOICE OF CROWTON:  Les! Les!  What do you need?  We need a play!  Oh, no, shit, hell, balls, I CAN'T DO THIS.  HELP ME.

0:18

0:17

0:16

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  LES, WHERE ARE YOU?

BRAIN:


0:12

0:11

VOICE OF CROWTON:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!  BLACK TURTLE!!!  SWANS IN FLIGHT!!! YANKEE BANDIT TORNADO!!!  RYE GRASS CHOCOLATE!!!

0:10

0:09

0:08

0:07

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  Shoot.  Me.  In.  The.  Face.

0:06

0:05

0:04

BRAIN:  Cause for concern?  No, not yet.  Plenty of time left.

0:03

0:02

0:01

Ball is snapped past Jefferson and LSU has lost.

VOICE OF OTHER ASSISTANT:  Do we have any sledgehammers in the locker room?  Really, any blunt instrument will do.

VOICE OF CROWTON:  What happened, I blacked out.

LSU is awarded an untimed down.

BRAIN:  Should I step in now?  Yes, now seems more efficient than any.

VOICE OF MILES:  Gentlemen, relax.  We get another play.  And success we will strike.  Let's run one of those run plays to the side where we score, okay?  Am I right?  Let's get this done.

Touchdown LSU.